A-sexy: D is for De facto girlfriend detox

This is hard. In fact some of you aren’t going to be able to do it. That’s ok. If you are happy with half a relationship as opposed to a fulfilling one then do you boo boo but if you want the relationship you deserve then you must extricate yourself from the toxic mess that is de facto. So here goes. Ways to move on

1)      Stop calling, texting, tweeting, facebooking him first. It’s never justifiable even though we think of reasons that seem legitimate it’s really because we just want to.

2)      Do not buy tickets to his favourite concert. You then have to either give them to him when he’s done nothing to deserve it or go yourself. I don’t know enough about hip hop to ever make this a good thing

3)      Ask him questions. This is new but things like, where have you been or I assumed you were in a relationship you disappeared for so long are legitimate. You can ask. Don’t be scared.

4)      Do not ever, ever allow him to booycall you and you let him come round. Do what you have to. Either mess your place up thereby rendering you unable to let him come over OR in my case tidy and shave your legs. This seems to be enough to jinx it.

5)      Get a life and stop waiting for him to make you a part of yours. Date other people and see friends. Hopefully you aren’t one of those terrible women who disappear whenever you have a man even when you are de facto (you women disgust me) but still keep busy and get a life.

6)      Tell him that you want more. He’s a man he can handle this revelation without breaking out into hives. And if he does perish from this news then, hurt and keep it moving.

7)      Demand that you are treated with respect no matter what the AGREED dynamic is. If he’s coming round then 2 hours later than scheduled is not the one

8)      Put a time limit on the interaction if it’s proving damaging to your self esteem. I say sex 3 times is about as much as you can do without naming your kids in your head. 5 times and you think it’s safe to tell him. Never chick. NEVER!

9)      Speak to friends who are likely to tell you that you’re being an idiot. These are usually older or married friends as opposed to the single friend who can’t catch a bus without drama let alone a date.

10)   Treat it like a diet. Have a plan for the day, week, month of things you’ll do to get over him.

11)   Dream a bigger better reality. Your life isn’t Eastenders where you have to settle for a Walford existence.  But if that’s your aim then you’ll get less than that.

12)   Go into a quiet room and listen to the voice deep inside. If it tells you that he’s not the one listen and get the hell out. You don’t owe him an explanation just say you’re busy and not bored enough to entertain him rubbish right now.

Good luck my precious and remember that this is for your own sanity.

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups