And then I thought about the reasons I probably shouldn’t go on it. I’m no shrinking violet but it wasn’t looking good. Who knew there were so many!

1)      I would call myself a work shy cook. I cook to survive and sometimes not even that. #nandos

2)      I am too well trained to eat at the houses of others. My mum said, “always eat before you go to an English person’s house” and I do. I always stop for a take away on my way.

3)      My facial expressions would give me a way when someone said something racist, homophobic, stupid or ignorant.  I don’t want to be labelled the angry black argumentative bitch and yet, I would be.

4)      I don’t trust the cleanliness of some of those homes especially the ones with animals. Too many episodes with cat and dog hairs in food or their hairs. I can’t deal with it

5)      I think all my food tastes the same. I don’t think my chances of winning are high especially if anyone has read a Jamie Oliver book. That man needs to learn how to spice!

6)      I live in zone 2. There isn’t space for a table let alone 5 personalities in my flat

7)      I like Dave Lamb but what if he was to say something mean about my fancy dress room and we broke up?

8)      I don’t like onions, garlic, meat well done, courgettes, peppers and am lactose intolerant. I’m not going to like most people’s food.

9)      I’m always on a diet

10)   I don’t drink wine. Only prosecco and champagne. Would I have to bring my own

11)   I don’t like most people especially Daily Mail or Evening Standard readers. Could I request ex Guardian readers like me?

12)   I don’t feel full unless I’ve eaten meat so the vegetarian / vegan is going to be the one I get lumbered with.

13)   I don’t eat anything cold.

14)   English people tend to have their houses at temperatures I find cruel. Less than 25 degrees and I’m not going to be able to attend I’m afraid

15)   What if I got low scores? I would not be very good. I would have to go 2nd.

16)   I once attempted to make corn bread at school. I failed…I would be vilified for cheating and buying everything in from Waitrose and M&S

17)   I don’t have kids yet to be my slaves in the kitchen. You know how some of the contestants do

18)   I don’t think this is the right way for FuHu (Future Husband) to see me. I want him to marry me not laugh and point and be like you’re that chick from Come Dine with Me who lost it and hit a guy in the balls with a leg of lamb….before running away

19)   I don’t like eating with people who eat and slap their chops

20)   I would be a VERY sore loser.

21)   I would probably bitch about everyone else not because I’m mean but because I’m bored! .

22)   I can’t have ugly people in my flat. It’s bad for the feng shui

23)   I’m just way too busy to learn how to cook 3 whole dishes. Could I cheat and get Gauthier Soho to deliver it all an hour before the guests get here ?

24)   I would worry more about getting 5 decent outfits together than the food. So when will they do Come Fancy Dress with Me? Huh? Huh Channel 4?

25)   I’ve never seen a guy I fancy on there In the 300 seasons they’ve had on. What’s the point for a single gal?

So tell me, what are your reasons for not wanting to go on?

© Chelsea Black


Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups