Tis the season to be …..

It’s Christmas and time for the dreaded parties. I have two as there is the work one and then the social one . The work one was the usual Secret Santa lunch where nobody made an effort and we struggled through small talk. I got gluten free brownies (yay) but they have nuts (boo) so I’m not impressed with whomever. That said I gave away a candle so, winning? I hated that candle. Smelled like old care homes.  

The social party would have been ok except people still think fancy dress is an excuse to touch and grope someone? When did this become a norm? I love fancy dress but, I HATE BEING TOUCHED. I struggle to get through a hug longer than 3 seconds without sweating. We really need to learn how to respect personal space.

Small talk.

Get your small talk game right! Why are there so many people who think that just turning up is enough and don’t even make an effort at conversation? A bunch of women sat around talking about their various states of singledom and not one of them mentioned hobbies or work. I mean, it’s boring to hear about how single you are and how few good men there are out there. Then we have to go through the usual, ‘ Have you considered dating an ex-offender /  someone outside of your race / a wasteman?’ Yeah we’ve all been there thanks.

 Have passions. Dating is not a job despite what 4 months of Tinder ® feels like.  And if you’re going to have zero conversation then make an effort with your look. Nobody wants to see your  3 day pyjama look when it’s not even ironic. Nobody!

My real gripe this year was the number of guys on Ketogenic diets. Know that this makes your breathe smell and therefore, by default, you shouldn’t be out in public making close up small talk about your passion for fitness and health. There is nothing healthy about that breath. Fuck the mistletoe and chew on some mint. Gosh I’m never happy!

It is always good to see some old friends though who only seem to come out of their smugly relationship cocoons in December. These couples remind us of why we are even bothering. The vain hope of finding someone to cocoon with is thin but ever present. I will however go and watch some random Chinese romance on Netflix instead and plan the outfit for next year. Shit, maybe even some Judge Judy. Lots of Ex offenders there!  I’d just have to move to the US and …..ok just a likkle Netflix and chill for me.  

Merry Xmas one and all. Even the wastemen.  

©  Chelsea Black 2018  

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups