A-Sexy: C is for Caught

Here are my favourite episodes of catching the idiots out when they’ve cheated or when they’re planning to cheat using me as the other woman:

1)      When the doctor told me I had chlamydia. But no I was in a long term committed relationship? I just didn’t know it was with more than one person .

2)      When he asked me to check his messages and I found the texts from a prostitute. Firstly, he he had given her his number and secondly don’t name her Maki Thai Slut in your phone

3)      When he spent 45 minutes talking to his ‘roommate’ then fell asleep after sex. I checked his phone and his roommate was called Mo not Carly.

4)      The one where the maid let me in and I caught him in bed with someone else. I pretended not to notice the head peeping out from the duvet as he rushed to get me out of there

5)      The ones that ring you constantly and then when you call they never pick up and then call you at some random time talking in a low voice.

6)      The ones that don’t turn up and have no real explanation for this. He was on lock down.

7)      The one who was chatting to me online telling me about the things he was going to do to me when we met and then said his girlfriend was right there lying watching TV with her head in his lap. I cut that conversation short. What an arse. He got off on that.

8)      The one who introduced me to his mother and she gave me some evil look and asked him straight where his girlfriend Shaneece was. Shame!

9)      The one who texted me by accident and started telling me about our plans for later…we weren’t meant to meet up later. He was meant to be working? He was like, “Oh, er, I’ll call you later yeah?” And I never heard from him again.

10)   The one who was in the middle of a divorce so separated but then got really angry when his wife didn’t cook Christmas dinner and he was forced to make himself bacon and eggs. I’m guessing it wasn’t over. 2 years on they’re still together.

11)   The one who said he needed space because work was really hectic then I saw him out with little miss new boobs. She didn’t work so couldn’t have been a colleague.

12)   The other one who was married with 3 kids. So why did he have a Porsche and no car seat? But the FBI network that is single women in LDN confirmed his status within 24 hours.

13)   The one who wanted to get married but gave me his laptop to use. I found a very interesting exchange between him and some girl from the week before. Who knew he could be so imaginative? I didn’t

14)   The one who had to confess that he couldn’t afford to pay for our trip cos he had given his ex the money. His ex that he was engaged to 2 weeks after we broke up

15)   The one who was spotted out with another woman after a careless drunken declaration of love. 3 people called me to tell me that he was drunk and declaring again.

16)   The one who didn’t realise that Nokia phones didn’t delete their sent messages. Bless

Those are the ones I can think of at the top of my head. There are others but I don’t want the cheaters out there to learn of our ….methods of detection. My thing is that if you do get caught just admit it. No time for Shaggy verses here. Medical tests and text messages are rarely wrong my precious.

Happy beautiful Friday afternoon!

© Chelsea  Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups