Categotry Archives: Things I ♥ more than Sugar

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The Debenham’s Card Debacle

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Categories: Things I ♥ more than Sugar

So this was completely my fault.

I was off to watch Billy Oceanwho was at London Palladium tonight and yes, I could have stayed at the Plantation past 4 O’clock but, for what? Instead I decided to pop into Oxford Street. As I’m on a new savings budget (yeah, I’m not really sure what this means but I think it just means avoid Selfridges) I avoid Selfridges and go to Debenham’s instead. Part of this was because I wanted to check out their bikinis and partly because I really felt bad about the brand being in financial trouble. I’d abandoned them for way too long.

Somehow, and don’t ask me how I end up in the shoe section trying on heels that are likely to give me vertigo and stumbling around the place. An African auntie spots me and drags me around the widefit section looking for a size 8 for her because her feet are tired. I don’t know why my face says I’m willing to help but she’s Africa and an Auntie so I can’t say no. I’m facing my own water retention shoe fit struggle so maybe I fell her pain.

Then I decide on the 4 pairs I’m taking home with me (don’t judge) and ask the young Asian guy to get me the other shoe. He tells me that he’ll leave them at the  till then disappears for ages. I go to the till after a last check to make sure I’ve not left anything in the shop which should go home with me but y shoes aren’t there.

The till operator is an older black woman who decides to go hunt him down. I’m slightly concerned at how much glee she has in her eyes as she states that he’s been sulking all day! Huh? She tracks him and my shoes down and then explains that he’s just come back from holiday. I explain I’m just about to go on holiday and she asks me if I want to open an account.

Now this is where I fucked up. Recently the same thing happened at M&S where I got 10% off and a Sparkles Card so I assumed it was the same thing. But then Sister Patricia as we will call her starts asking me how much I earn and shit? For a fucking store card? I know Debenhams are in financial trouble but this seems rather extreme.

She tells me about her grandkids and asks about my holiday. I’m late for a Nandos but she doesn’t have her glasses on so this is going to take a while. I tell her I’m taking myself away for a few days and she fit bumps me. I realise that this is outside of the usual bonding / customer service and B*cky is side eying us hard.

We go through the process and finally she presses a button as I stand there feeling violated by all these questions. YES AUNTIE PATRICIA!! I’m single with no kids and way too much disposable income. Fuck!  Let’s be clear. Patricia doesn’t know how to use her inside voice.

Computer says no and she has to make a call. ‘This happens a lot when you earn too much’, she says pointedly at me. Er…..ok. Next time I’ll lie .

They clear me for my store card and then she leans over and says….’you’ve been approved for £5000!’

So this was a credit card? She says yes, that it’s an account. Me I’m still confused. So it’s not a  store card but no,  Granny Patricia tells me that she clearly said account. Sigh

As I’m preparing to leave she asks me how I’m getting home. Dear god, I don’t have a car to declare on my phone. I tell her I’m off to see Billy Ocean and she starts in on how she loved him. She asks me how much the tickets are and to be honest I’m too embarrassed to tell her so say, it’s the start of the #BikiniBirthday. Ancestor Patricia high fives me and I see her white colleagues looking on in wonder. Whatever, she’s giving me props for living my life. I’m giving her whatever store related points she gets for signing people up to a card they never wanted.

Now I’m going to have to shop a lot at Debenhams. Sigh. Everyone knows I’m more of a John Lewis Lass. But technically it means I didn’t spend any money today, right?

Oh and I also bumped into a tinder date ex but, that’s a whole other story for another time. I have to try on these shoes again and hope the swelling has gone down.

© Chelsea Black 2017

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Management of facebook tragedy

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Categories: Latest, Politics and Business, Randoms

12274723_10156167103540461_9133691962760405053_nThe management of tragedy on facebook

Media – Horror! Something bad has happened and it involves a Western Country! You must care.

Right – Fuck this! Let’s blame the minority we fear may take over and promote our right wing capitalist agenda ! We’ll use the working class cos they haven’t got a clue!

Lefties – Let’s all mourn. Here, take this flag to help you feel better about the state of the world

Minorities – Fuck universal mourning. Where was the flag when other groups were dying?

Media – Wait, come on people, can we not confuse the issues and mourn this because it sells?

Minorities – No! We fucking can’t. Besides, what did you do to deserve this. Karma Bitch.

Lefties – Erm ……shouldn’t your anger be towards the mainstream media?

Media – Hey! We’re just reporting the truth as we want you to hear it.

Minorities – Yes but they are too powerful for us to fight so we’ll piss on this instead

Lefties – OK but whilst we fight the right are gaining power?

Right – Oh Sweetie, we never LOST power. So disillusioned.

Lefties – But what about the hatred of ….

Right – We don’t care! It’s all about the money, Honey

Lefties – Could you stop with the diminutive names? It hurts my feelings and makes me feel disempowered.

Right – Sorry petal.

Minorities – We won! We showed them.

Lefties – you won? How?

Minorities – Something something something on facebook.

Lefties – how has that changed…

Minorities – Let’s go get snacks and go back to chatting about TV shows because apparently that’s all we care about.

Lefties – I’m just trying to help you because you clearly need help

Minorities – Check your privilege, Becky.

Lefties – Bob. My name is Bob. So it’s a no to the flag then? I just want you to feel what I’m feeling!

Minorities – You don’t understand what we go through EVERY day. You’ll be over this in a week.

 

Meanwhile Media and Right high five, give Facebook a big ole hug and get back to business.

 

The END.

© Chelsea Black 2015

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Mr Marcus and the syphilis

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Categories: Celebrity Gossip, Sex, Tags: , ,

I’ll keep it short and sweet. I’m angry. Porn as I know it has been compromised and no one messes with the sanctity of porn.

Here’s the deal. There are a number of black male porn stars who, love them or hate them you’ve   mr marcus4got to respect their prolific game. 5 off the top of my head in no particular order are Mr Marcus, Sean Michaels, Lexington Steele, Mandingo and Justin Slayer.  Their porn is varied in quality and style, interracial and black on black, all straight but, it’s prolific and like all film industries that’s what counts. The need to get more and more of it out there. Volume over quality story lines. Let’s call them the BBC pack.

So imagine my horror today when I read about Mr Marcus getting jail time for having ‘the syphilis’.

Wait no, that’s not right. It’s not illegal to have syphilis. What’s illegal is being the dumbass that altered documents that said you had it to trick others in the industry into thinking you didn’t have it so that you could carry on working. And how badly were they altered that people could tell? What did he use, a crayon?

Let’s rewind. Mr Marcus has always been the cheeky chappy of the BBC pack. He has this endearing smirk and keeps his socks and sneakers / timberlands on unnecessarily. You’ve gotta love someone for not taking it all too seriously.

But then don’t be a douche and willingly have sex with people for money when you know you’ve got an mr marcus2STD. What idiot does that? Initially I was going to march outside the courthouse because I assumed that he was just being penalised for contracting it but no, he decided that he wasn’t infectious to others so he was going to infect others. I await the civil case because the 2 women in question don’t look like they’re going to let this one die down without some compensation despite being syphilis free. So, no more Mr. Marcus for me.

And what of the responsibility of the industry? Surely by now they should have their own system for ensuring that people are being honest instead mr marcus3of relying on documents pornstars bring themselves? Or just made everyone wear condoms.

And, I would like to take this opportunity to remind men that no matter how crusty your feet, say no to sex with your boots on. I’ve never met anyone that told me they find that sexy. No really, never!

Mr. Marcus, don’t drop the soap.

© Chelsea Black

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