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Now you see it, now you see it

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Categories: Latest, Misadventures, Recent Posts

So one day on my way back from a job in Woolwich I was waiting on the train platform for the regular train back to London Bridge. As I stood in the same spot as I did every day reading my latest novel choice I was oblivious to the man who came up and stood by me until he asked me if my book was nice. I gave him a distracted  “yes thank you” reply and went back to finding out what embarrassing thing Poppy was about to do to get Harry to notice her now that she’d given him a makeover and realised that he was actually THE ONE. Yes this was the extent of my daily reading material. No Fanon for this chick.

The train finally arrived and I sat in a section by the window and the man sat opposite me. He was an African man in his 40s, slight build and not unattractive but I just wasn’t interested. I dove back into my book when my cousin called me from Africa. As we caught up (RiP dear cuz) I noticed the man fiddling with his newspaper.

Still oblivious I laughed at the latest family gossip. I looked again and he had his dick out of his jeans looking at me like I would be impressed. He hid it from the other travellers with his newspaper. Who knew a Metro would come in so handy? What the fuck was wrong with this fool! This was no way to start a conversation with a stranger.

I honestly didn’t know what to do so as I tried to explain to my cousin what was going on and my cousin was like, “Sis, move into another carriage”. Woken from my paralysis I moved into another part of the train and squashed myself between two people who looked like they would be good in a tussle. That was a long train journey home.

Eventually I got home and the full extent of what had happened hit me. But being pragmatic it was over, I hadn’t been touched and it was over.

Then I saw him a week later and realised that he was a local. It could happen again I reported it to the Woolwich po po who are in no way worthy of the same shout out as the Chelsea po po. They sent me a letter about Victim Support. Their advice is to move away from the perpetrator, report it immediately and not to panic as most flashers aren’t violent. Erm, yeah thanks for that.

And thus ends another sad tale on unnecessary male behaviour.

Happy Mother’s Day!

© Chelsea Black


He’s my boyfriend

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Recent Posts, Tags:

WIKI: A boyfriend is a person’s regular male companion in a romantic and/ or sexual relationship,[1] although normally not in long-term committed (e.g. marital) relationships, where other titles (e.g. husband, partner) are more commonly used.

When I was a school girl this is all we talked about. To be able to give that poor unsuspecting spotty kid from the school disco the title of boyfriend. Oh those were the days when minorities had to stick together. I always had to dance with the ginger kid as there were no other black kids in the boys school. Luckily this was before digital photography or indeed cellular phones.

But now in my 30s I question this title of boyfriend. Is that a title any of us want to use or have we stepped it up and are looking for Husbands? I know we can fudge things and call them partners now in a Guardian reader /Liberalism which I think is a thinly vieled attempt to create some mystery as to whether or not said partner is male or female. Some people will do anything to appear more interesting than they are. You’re Heterosexuals! Get over yourselves

My last boyfriend was clear that he wanted to be a husband. He was too old to be anyone’s husband. This pleased me; a man who wasn’t just in it for the convenience but saw that there was another level in our relationship. In fact he was so anxious not to be labelled anyone’s boyfriend that he was a fiancé or partner to a number of women across the world. His commitment to us all was global and stretched across the African Diaspora and 3 American states. Wait…. 4.

I know men who have been boyfriends for years without ever indicating that this will evolve into more. Why waste someone’s time like that especially if she is of child bearing age and wants children? Because they can. We allow them without getting a proper indication of commitment for fear of chasing them away.  Be careful my precious of those who are a little too quick to slap the boyfriend label on himself. He could be stuck in this phase and not looking to be anything more ever!

The other issue is that awkward few months when you’re going out but haven’t had the exclusivity or where is this going chat. My rule is this: if he hasn’t indicated within 3 months that he would like exclusivity and within a further 3 months that he is your boyfriend grab your purse and run. You have a timewaster on your hands and not the til death do us part ‘notebook’ types.

So I’m not sure that I will be using the word boyfriend even if I get one. It just sounds so teenage angst. Ooooh reminds me, must buy the Dawson Creek Box set.

© Chelsea Black


Thank you and update


Categories: Randoms, Recent Posts, Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Sex Etiquette ABC

Hello my Precious,

We have reached the end of the 30 day challenge and I’m going to miss blogging about random things from proposing (not looking good for my 29th February proposal. He appears to be on the run) to stupid questions men and women ask. Oh and a popular choice If I were a boy. I’m not bitter by the male backlash darlings I just know better now. I even managed to convince someone to join me on the challenge for the last 8 days.

Thank you so much for all the feedback, comments and words of encouragement when I was ready to throw in the towel and reach for some chocolate and champagne instead. I did live on Haribos though (I wonder if they would sponsor me in Haribos?)

But now I have to keep myself busy and out of trouble for another wee while. So  whilst I work on the radio show (Come listen to In Bed With Chelsea on every Wednesdays 10pm – Midnight) I’m starting the next challenge which is Sex Etiquette A-Z. This is not to be confused with ABC sex which is sex only on Anniversaries, Birthdays and Christmas. What madness!  What if all of those fall in December? Withholding sex drives me crazy (Oooh adds another to W). Anyway I digress.

So why etiquette?

As you know I have been experiencing somewhat of a #datingrecession and according to a lot of you I’m not alone. I realised that some of this was just because some people didn’t have the same rule book on what’s appropriate behaviour and what’s not. Talking about wanting to rape me on date one, not appropriate. Telling me I want to rip your clothes off on date 5 appropriate.  In fact no. Why weren’t you telling me that on date 3? You’re late! You would think it was simple but apparently not.

Dating is all about the nuances and words used. It’s the fun sell and marketing towards sex and relationships.  Sex then should be much more simple right? Navigating the world of sex it seems is fraught with issues at the best of times but it upsets me when people don’t even have the basic etiquette down pat. We are all grown folks people. Then again as I’ve given up sex for Lent this may just be a way for me to legitimately explore Porn sites and Google words like Quim. You never know where this will end up. So are you with me? Let’s go!

And thanks again for all the support. Snogs and butt grabs all round.

Starting this week everywhere at a device near you with the letter A. Where else?

Happy sexing!

© Chelsea Black


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