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My Lent Dilemma

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Categories: Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , ,

WARNING THESE RAMBLINGS ARE ALL ABOUT ME!! (but then, aren’t they always? Hmmm)

The hedonist in me means I tend to follow those things that I enjoy and for whatever reason Lent is a nostalgic indulgence I partake in. Blame it on the Catholic Schooling but I just love testing my resolve and giving something up. Yes, yes you can also do more of something good or charitable but I think dating those that aren’t worthy means my charitable status is covered don’t you?

But this year my precious I’m in a bit of a quandary because…I’m not sure what to give up. Normally I would just add in some facetious ones like men with double lives or men who lie but then, that’s the equivalent of giving up on all men and, I’m just not that cynical yet. So here are the options. You decide but make it quick as Lent starts today! (Sashays off in search of some champagne and chocolate for breakfast just in case)

1)      Chocolate

Chocolate and I have had a long long relationship. I would tell you how long but then my FuHu (Future husband) would be jealous because he would know that he could never compete with the greatest love of my life so far: Lindor Lindt red balls.  Nothing is better than lying back on the couch and rolling one of those balls in my mouth. But I digress

In the only episode of Masterchef worth watching Michel Roux Jr. said “A day without chocolate is a day not worth living”. Of course he was talking about proper chocolate. I’m talking about a twix or a twirl. Technically I’m told that Twix is a biscuit so I could give up chocolate and still have twix right? See I’m already looking for loopholes and with the madness of easter eggs already out I suspect that this one may prove hard to bear. Everyone knows that easter eggs are the height of indulgence.

The thing is today I passed Rococo on Kings Road and saw that they were looking for an enthusiastic sales person. I’m not enthusiastic about sales but surely I could be enthusiastic about chocolate selling? This one would be to get rid of Maxine Saj (my budda belly) and not because I think chocolate is evil because it isn’t. It’s my friend.

2)      Alcohol

I would give up alcohol I really, really would but I’ve noticed that if I have to get through a date sober then sometimes it leads to me telling them what I think about their 45 minute monologue on topics like the differences between the firefox and chrome. I still don’t know and REALLY don’t care. Or their favourite topic; how evil their ex is and why he will never ever love again. Good times. Plus I have 4 parties to get through including one with 7 year olds who are fine but their mothers who are not. Best I have a little something to help me from telling them how evil their children are, right?

So I’ve decided that this one will only be considered if you can promise me the following

a)       that I won’t have to deal with any idiots on public transport walking really slowly and making me late. Tourists are included;

b)      That I won’t have a hard work day after which instead of killing a client I chant vodka cranberry 10 times under my breath until I make it safely to a bar or;

c)       hear those grating words “when are you going to get married and have some of your own?” from seemingly well-meaning friends who are really just rubbing their own 3rd pregnancy in your face.

Aside from this again it’s great for killing off Maxine Saj and cleansing the system. It’s conditional!

3)      Sex

Sex is an amazing pursuit if done properly. Luckily for us most people are only mediocre at it and it takes a while to find a natural rhythm. Those that claim they regularly have an amazing one night stand…that’s the alcohol talking darling and I suggest you don’t give up 2 if you are going to still have sex. Sober sex you will find is completely different on a one night stand. You realise how much you’ve compromised on your standards when the beer goggles are off.

I’ll miss it of course and 40 days is a long time to go without food. I mean sex but, I think this is one that would be good for my sanity. Because whilst I date and still have a little sex on the side, you know, just to make sure that everything still works it means that I don’t have to date with the intention of having sex. Which means I don’t ever really have to bother making too much of an effort do I? Anyone say self-sabotage?

4)      Dating

…Which leads me on neatly onto option 4. So I could pretend that my dating track record was really great but I’ve become one of those 1 date women who either doesn’t get a call back or doesn’t answer when the call comes. There is only so many times I can watch a man spit in the street before my stomach churns over. I give good first date. It’s all a bit too job interview now. You put on your suit and prep as much as you can (don’t mention the body under the patio) and then hope that conversation don’t run dry. Then you have to wait for that feedback call that may or may not come as he goes through the other 3 women he met on the largest dating sites available Facebook and Twitter.

So giving this up would be good for me because clearly something isn’t working. I keep dating men who are either dysfunctional or don’t want me (cue violins but please no Pachabel Canon. I’ m saving that for the wedding).

5)      Porn.

Yes I thought about it for a second but I don’t have a TV or a radio so giving up porn would be like giving up my only contact with the outside world. Or I just don’t want to. How else will I keep up to date with what all the real people are wearing when out selling cookies if not through this educational media? Nope, I’m vetoing this one so don’t even bother mentioning it. If I can’t have sex then porn will have to suffice for now. I’ll sit through reams of bad acting for the greater good.

6)      Notice that Haribos didn’t make the list? Don’t judge! You give up your addictions one at a time. Yes I may commit to doing more exercise as let’s face it one 10km run a week is hardly a win or doing more work but, it’s so much easier to give something up then to do something good don’t you think?

So I’m thinking a combinations of 1, 3 and 4 would be best for the universe. Giving up alcohol would just be plain bitter when all I drink these days is prosecco and champagne. Slimming!

Happy Lent day

© Chelsea Black

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The Crazy Wait

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The Crazy Wait

I recently got sent this text conversation (thanks @chicbeautyblog)  between a girl who had slept with a guy called Kevin and then texts him asking him out again. She then text stalked him as well as waiting outside his house to see him and…yes it got pretty crazy.

I was in tears of laughter and just couldn’t believe that any girl was that crazy and then I remembered….the waits, the crazy why am I still here waits! These are a phenomena the modern man has created to drive normal woman into screaming banshees. I’ll give you a few examples. Please my precious submit these as evidence if ever I’m arrested for some crazy incident where some guy has made me wait too long. Something tells me this may happen sooner that we think

1)      Snowed in?

We had been emailing and texting for months. You know the types of texts you wouldn’t really want your mother to see. What can I say he was big. Then,  when finally the opportunity to travel up north….well north of Watford came up for work we agreed to meet. I told him where I was staying he told me that he could meet me there at a restaurant nearby and so I went. It was a snowy day and I trekked through the snow to get to the restaurant. Ok, the pavements were cleared and the snow alerts were for the next day but any chance of a bit of dramatic nostalgia had to be taken, right?

I get a text saying he’s stuck in a meeting. At 8pm? My my how the public sector has changed. I order a drink…..and 3 courses later he still hasn’t arrived and the texts are getting more worryingly ambiguous. I order mint tea after mint tea whilst the wait staff give me those pitying looks and start clearing up around me. Then I get the sorry text. He wasn’t coming. I’m still not sure what the better offer was but why put me through the wait of shame game. It’s only fun for the person who doesn’t turn up. And I wasn’t even in London where I would have sought solace in a late night Soho shop.

2)      Surprise

I’ve mentioned him before but the one who was so hot and heavy then sent me a text on my birthday saying he was on his way to the club. That was 3 -4 years ago. All I can say is that’s some messed up traffic around the Hendon area. I sent him a text the next day as I assumed he was in a hospital somewhere and would be in need of some grapes. He sent me a sad face back. Seriously you couldn’t even be bothered to explain you just emoticonned your way out of that one? And yes I’ve decided that emoticonning is now verbalicious. It is not something that a man over 25 should use to express an apology. Turns out the Mrs suspected he was up to no good. And I found out that he had a Mrs. Might have been nice for him to mention that in his poetical late night conversations.

3)      Silence

You have a date and it was good. Maybe even better than good.  This is rare my precious so you can’t help but hope he’s not going to turn into a twat and not call. You are assured that you are going to hear from them again and then…silence.  Your friends who are also single and prone to advice that is really sabotage say that you should call him because after all aren’t we modern women who read cosmo. But you know that if you call him then he would accuse you of being too clingy and not giving him space. Men and space.  Buy a bigger place if you want frigging space.

One did this to me and then tried to start chatting to me AGAIN on the site we had met on a year later. I don’t even think I had changed my profile pictures. I was like, dude we’ve already been out and he was like, Oh! Yeah you’re right! So why didn’t you call me sis! Because my brother you said you would call. You know they are scraping for excuses when they try adding a sis in there.  The old switcheroo, it’s on you move.

So after a rethink I can see why some women flip. It’s not you and your crimes MY BROTHERS. No you are just the last dick that broke that poor girls spirit and did something stupid like make her wait at Victoria station in winter for 45 minutes whilst you posed in the mirror at some gym somewhere. What is wrong with people. England is cold!

The good thing is that it is temporary insanity when they do flip. Now I don’t bother to wait. 20 minutes without a text and I’m onto the next thing. 3 days postdate without a call/ text or pigeon dropping for a sign and I assume that you’ve tripped and fallen into a hole somewhere else.  Because we know that all that waiting isn’t because you are trying to make yourselves look pretty for us. No, it’s because another one of your options popped up.

When this happens to you ladies call a friend or better yet a backup. No woman should only be seeing one man when there is a risk that he is going to make you wait.  Call that friend and let them talk you off the crazy text / call you REALLY want to make. Because once you are labelled crazy there is very little you can do. Also texts are screen saved so you may find your crazy broadcast on a Timeline near you.

Happy Dating!

© Chelsea Black

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The Perfect Date

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So we keep on meeting and we flirt but not too openly because that would be crass and I’m a lady. Yes I said it. Who knows who else he has in his life and goodness knows there are enough idiots in mine so nothing happens and time marches on until 2012 arrives.

Then out of the blue I get a missed call from a number I don’t know. Not unusual as you know me and my phones are parted regularly. I still mourn the loss of my pink flip blackberry in 2010. I call back and it’s HIM! I don’t even have time to be nervous as he quickly gets done with the small talk and asks if I want to meet up for a drink that night.

Hmmmm, this is awkward as I do have a 3 day + 3 hour pre date routine that must be booked in advance but…he’s cute and I really wasn’t looking forward to yet another night of Come Dine With Me on 4OD. Any show that makes me feel like I would stand a good chance of winning Masterchef can’t be healthy right? So I say yes. I don’t even have time to call my friends to bash out outfit choices and strategies as we are meeting in 2.5 hours. This is a major panic stations moment.

I take an executive decision. A cab so that I can wear ridiculously silly heels that make my legs look slim yet shapely enough that they won’t break. I don’t want him thinking I’m one of those delicate woman. Then again he’s seen me command a buffet table at a networking event. He knows I eat.

I look at the hair…not enough time to wash and blow dry but do I wig it or no? Eventually I drag out the hairdryer and straighteners. I’m going to have to make time for this. Don’t be fooled by the name. Natural hair can be such a bitch to manage at moments like this. It has its own schedule.

Then I go through the inevitable debate…will he be coming home with me? I know my precious it’s too soon but I can move surprisingly fast when inspired or drunk. Don’t judge. So I quickly change the bedding, chuck everything into the spare room (I must get a lock for that room) and decide to give the legs and flange a quick once over for luck. Chances are if I commit to hair removal then I’m coming home solo.  It’s like a jinx.

Then there is that inevitable crisis of confidence. What if this isn’t even a date!?! I mean he said a drink. He may be trying to broker some sort of business relationship. Whilst my bank manager will welcome this news can I really go into business with someone I want to see naked?  Hmmm, maybe I need to rethink the fuchsia short dress which screams take me off. Instead I go for that always ready black dress with the small waist for extra definition. Yep, I look edible. Quick spray of Tresor and I’m ready!

I hail a cab Carrie Bradshaw stylee. This is why I love my area. There are an abundance of opportunities to play dress up and not have to take the tube. I arrive with minutes to spare. Enough time to check out where the bathrooms are and work out which cocktail will get me relaxed but not ridiculously tipsy before he walks in. Yep best stay away from the tequila. He’s looking fabulous in a suit that looks like it was made just for him he walks over and does the European double cheek kiss before sitting down. There’s a look, we both laugh and the night begins. I know it was a good night because neither of us looked at our phones once. And you know how much I love my phone.

Drinks were amazing. I can’t fault Lover’s Lounge for its cocktails. Somehow drinks turned into dinner and before you know it the end of the night comes and he suggests that he takes me home. I say a little prayer to the dating goddesses that I had the foresight to clean up and skip to the nearest cab. Up to now I’ve offered to pay but have been turned down. “My treat,” he says and I melt. We get to mine and he walks me to my door and ….he refuses to come in. WHAT!

I try not to show my disappointment and smile sweetly instead. I thank my mother for those drama lessons when I was 10 as I had to dig deep to pull this one off. He rewards me with the simplest of kisses. You know those kisses my precious where it starts in your toes and liquid pools into your…yeah there. I sigh happily. Then he says he has to go. I’m tempted to say really but…I know this is not the time. Besides I stuck to my 3-total on the cocktails. I wonder how he’s going to get a cab at this time but somehow I know he has a plan. He is a man with a plan I will just have to trust it. I know I have to play this one out more carefully. He says he’ll call tomorrow. I shrug, give one my flutter of the eyelashesand walk into the warm hug my flat always gives me. Then I squeal with happiness.

Normally this is the point where I call the gang but today I just want to enjoy it and snuggle down into my lekky blanket with highlights from the night. I write in my diary and go to sleep. And the next morning, well hello, he calls!  And thus begins a beautiful dating story

Of course this is all a story. It never happened because sadly I don’t live in the movies I watch but just once it would be nice if it did.

Happy Dating!

© Chelsea Black

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