Categotry Archives: Randoms

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F is for the Friend Request

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friend request

I’ll keep this one short and sweet as I have to go and eat. Now, I know that Friend Requests are usually something that we reserve for…friends but there are some friend requests that I absolutely hate. Behold! My friend request rant of the day

The LOL

So you and I were on the same thread and you contributed nothing and decided that you thought my comments were funny. Dude, you didn’t give any banter or anything. Just the odd LOL! And now you think that is the basis of a friendship? Please. I’m not a clown for your amusement. Give to receive.

The opportunistic sex perv

If a friend request comes off a thread about sex and I’ve said something like, yeah, anal isn’t the worst thing in the world or 3sums have their place in a healthy relationship and I don’t see anything from you but a friend request I’m going to assume you are disingenuous and after sex. Sadly I’ve been proven right time and time again. Damn me and my liberal sex spouting lips.

The Banterer

You were funny I was mildly amusing. It wasn’t really more than us agreeing on a random topic. This is not the basis of a relationship and neither of us are funny off the thread. I beg please don’t embarrass yourself with the Friend Request. The last one was “So would you date this chubby white guy who thinks Nicky Minaj is just too fake? NO!

The vague school friend

You get the request and you think…the name rings a vague bell. You look at those photos and they are all of her slightly gassy looking kid and still the penny doesn’t drop. But alas school reunions are things that happen and you have 23 mutual friends so clearly you know her right? WRONG !

She joined the school after you left and just collects friends. Don’t accept unless you remember her maiden name. There’s just that awkward conversation you have about how neither of you know the other one but you know everyone else and how great they all are. Er, yeah.

And finally …..

The friend request comeback

So you used to be friends on Facebook and to be honest you don’t even notice that you aren’t friends any more. Then you meet in the real world and she can’t make eye contact. You’re chatting away a storm asking her for an update and not getting much back. Hormones?

Then you go home and she Friend Requests you. When did we stop being friends? Did we have beef? Was it one big dick joke too many for her? Whatever it is this chick found a reason to get rid of you. Now I’m a culler, don’t get me wrong but in my culling enthusiasm sometimes I meet those that I’ve culled. And I tell them exactly why they were culled. You never updated, changed your pictures, posted a joke, commented and I didn’t know you existed. I also cull because you may have really bad taste in friends or keep inviting me to events in Ilford or Catford or Deptford. Also if you post photos of trainers or asking me to vote for you to basically be popular. There are just some things that I don’t do.

So there you have it. But know that this is not for you my precious (or FuHu). If you friend request me I’ll always say yes. Unless you fall into any of the categories above.  Then you’re culled. Night!

© Chelsea Black

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The Neighbour and the orangutan

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orangutan

The neighbour and the orang-utan

I didn’t want to think it but the more it happens the more I know that my neighbour ignores me when his girlfriend is there. I don’t get it. I don’t flirt, he doesn’t flirt and yet when they are together he ignores me? Hmmmm

Neighbour’s sofa is positioned in such a way that he can look at passers-by. I walk or waddle by, give him the ‘can’t stop, busy’ half wave salute and he waves back. 3 years and we have a routine. But then last year I invited him to my New Year’s Eve party. I figured in the seasonal spirit why not? I invite him to all my parties and he always says he’ll come and doesn’t. Fair enough he has something better to do I thought. Until the day he ignored me.

Example 1

Neighbour and Gym new boobs (she seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in the gym and, just a guess, has new boobs) were getting out of the car. I was waddling by. Now, bear in mind I’m a very slow waddler I did my half wave and he pretended not to see me? Hmmm I waddled on by. Maybe he didn’t see me?

Example 2

I see Neighbour 2 days later and he enthusiastically waves first. Orang-utan Gym new boobs clearly had a sunbed session. Seriously anymore and she’ll be darker than me. We chat and I go on about my day. I assume therefore that he really hadn’t seen me.

Example 3

Neighbour and Gym new boobs (Like really. How much time does she spend in the gym? And rather a lot of it under the sun bed.  I’m not hating. I just wonder if that’s her job?) are sitting on the sofa and I walked past with shopping. He sees me clearly and yet didn’t return the wave. I’m carrying M&S bags!

So this has got me thinking and I can only come up with the following conclusions for Neighbours weird behaviour:

1)      He’s a player and Orang-utan New Boobs has caught his out before

2)      He’s a player and so smooth that Orang-utan New Boobs has never caught him out. She always seems oblivious to me.

3)      She’s insecure and he’s protecting her from assuming that as we practically live together although 20 houses apart she has anything to worry about.

4)      He’s short sighted ….or long sighted.

5)      He’s a man

I guess I will never know unless they break up and he confesses all in a weak moment. I may just pop in a pink scented note inviting him over for a night cap. Cos I’m neighbourly like that

Happy Gold Blending!

© Chelsea Black

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I’m a wizpert

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wizpert

So the other day I was eating chocolate or thinking about eating chocolate when I received an email asking me to become a wizpert. Why lil ole me an expert on something. How could this be I wondered looking at the chocolate and wondering if Cadburys had reported the spike in sales in my area.

So what is this wizpert? Yes I hadn’t heard of it either and as I get requests to do lots of stupid things from having sex for money to checking out electronic equipment that doesn’t vibrate when I figured out it was I thought, why not?

Wizpert is a new idea where experts help people through Skype chats. I don’t know a lot about lots of things but bad dating practises…yes. It can be anything from business, to relationships, personal growth spiritual issues and dating. I’m one of their dating or relationship experts

I signed up to their beta test and promptly forgot about it. Until I got my first Skype request which was quickly followed by a few more. The fun part is that people tell you what they think the problem is and then it turns out that the problem is something totally different and you have to figure it out. You also have to be able to ignore typing errors, spelling and grammar on both sides as chatting is fast. Turns out I actually enjoy it.

I get an immense satisfaction when together we sort through the emotions and figure out what they are really feeling and how they are going to tackle their particular problem .In the end most of them know what they want to do but it’s fear that prevents them from admitting it. What if it doesn’t work out? What if the other person doesn’t feel as deeply as me? How do I hand their or my jealousy. How do I handle them not trusting me after I had an affair. All valid issues.

Weirdly I’ve been contacted more by men than I have women but that makes sense. They’re less likely to call their girlfriends for a natter about it and some of the issues are personal.  I await enough time to go by and for some of those that I’ve already advised to come back with their updates. Did she leave, has he stopped drinking and the violence and did she tell her best friend crush that she was in love with him? I guess I may never ever find out as it’s all anonymous. Some give their names and tell me to remember them they’ll be back. And you know what, I believe them.

So here’s to Wizpert and long may it go on.

© Chelsea Black

My wizpert detals are here

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