Categotry Archives: Randoms

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the marriage debate

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Categories: BLOG, DATING TIPS, Latest, Randoms, Tags: , , ,

marriage 4

So I’ve figured it out. It’s only taken me 30 years – yeah I’m 30 this week. Who knows what age I will be next week. Anyway I digress. Back in the olden days marriage was a great business arrangement between the middle and upper classes and financial survival for those that weren’t. Good times. Love was accidental and a privilege of a few.  They write about rare historical romances a lot.

Then, and I didn’t do history at GCSE but, I think there came a point where it was decided that marriage should be for love. I blame Hollywood.  This coincided with women not letting men have sex unless they married them.

Then came the biggest betrayal ever. These women got married and soon after stopped having sex with their husbands. I mean she had bartered her body for security so why did she have to keep putting up with the sex now that she had the ring. This was clearly before the Joys of Sex VHS / Beta Max videos were made.

Porn helped to relieve the tensions of husbands everywhere but to be honest, if I was a man who had been duped into marriage then given less sex than I had been getting before I would be royally pissed too! Yes women started working and contributing to the household but seriously? No sex?

And so to modern times when anyone can get sex from anyone, anywhere with very little bartering involved. You’ve got to love the internet.  A few glasses of something half way decent and a meal that isn’t fast food and most guys are a shoe in. Of course they can’t say anything too stupid and they have to pretend that eventually they too will want to settle down and have sex.  I mean kids!

So here is my question. Why would any man want to get married? Why would he give up his freedom and financial earnings? I don’t get it. Sperm is the one thing that we need a man for as the sperm bank won’t give out photos in this country.

As I watched yet another painful episode of Don’t Tell the Bride I got it. I don’t actually want a marriage either. I just want a wedding and a father for the sprogs whose photo I’ve seen. Reality bites. Marriage in and of itself can be quite redundant if not for business.

So my view on marriage has really changed since my last marriage. It’s not a bitter response to a divorce. Instead an acknowledgement that marriage in and of itself isn’t the commitment we women think it is. The number of married men I’ve inadvertently slept with well, I know how many of them aren’t getting enough sex at home. I see that some women see it as the final tick box in their life journey but seriously, it’s the beginning of the end for most as many become a clone of the institution and lose their fabulosity.

So here’s to alternative lifestyles and looking at life as an individual journey. Let’s move beyond this era where women try to trick men into marriage and yet don’t have a real reason to get married. Marry for love, sure, marry for children if you feel that is the way but don’t marry because you think that you need to do so to be a complete woman.

I’m off to look at cats

© Chelsea Black

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My Brown Sugar

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Categories: BLOG, Latest, Randoms, Tags: , , ,

brown sugar

I love this movie despite duck lip monotone Taye Diggs because it’s all about a woman who fell in love with Hip Hop. She took that passion and turned it into her work. She took that work and turned it into a book. And yes eventually (spoiler alert) she accepts that he is intrinsically linked to her relationship to Hip hop but that’s just so that they could label the movie a romantic comedy.

Side note – it wasn’t funny unless we are talking about the constant jokes about her massager from Brookestones? Or maybe it’s just me. It was just a black rom.

So anyway the reason I bring it up is because after a long breakup I’ve recently fallen back in love with RnB. As I was saying I wasn’t raised on fairy tales. As a black girl there were no images of black folk in film or TV until The Cosby Show and Different World came along. No instead we had music. So much delicious music on vinyl that you could play again and again.

I started to dream that life was perfect in the states. I grew up listening to my Father’s collection of records which were heavily sexual RnB. It was Marvin Gaye, Clarence Carter, Curtis Mayfield and all the big names of Motown. I was told off for singing ‘sexual healing’ on my way to a first day at a new school. Then they had to console me as they told me that he was dead. I didn’t know anyone who had died at 7 but clearly I felt like these American artists were part of my family.

At 10 I stole the inside LP cover for Lionel Richie’s Round and Round album and memorised it in class. Let’s face it the British schooling system gives children WAAAAY too much free time.

At senior school I was the only child in class who knew the answer to Gladys Knight’s back up group was the Pips. Don’t ask me to name any of The Who or Led Zeplin though.  I pretended that I had long hair like Jermaine Stewart as I sang ‘We don’t have to take our clothes off’. And don’t even get me started on Whitney. Those that know me know that she was the older sister I never had.

I watched Get off by Prince and I tried to make the pearly dress for a night out. Or was it Cream?

As I got older and discovered boys I was enveloped in a world of Shai, Blackstreet, Tevin Campbell, Boyz II Men, Silk, H Town, Brian McKnight, Joe and all of these beautiful black male voices. I fell for it. I fell for the happy ever after these songs promised.

Then I discovered that nearly every guy I knew who was aged 16 – 25 had a “get the panties” mix tape of these songs and they were using them to get the panties. Just as I wizened up music changed and was less about sensual sex and was more about fucking.  So that is when I fell out of love with it. If we were just going to fuck then give me rock. At least that already sounds aggressive and angry. Why did they have to ruin soul music? Oh I’ve had the odd affair with Robin Thicke, Ne-yo etc but loving a genre like I did for 20 odd years? No. I’ve gone down an eclectic route.

So maybe they lied. No fairy tale tells you what happens after Cinderella and the prince discovered that he wasn’t a big fan of her cooking or wanted a 3 way with one of her ugly sisters. (Shrug – Men and boobs). Maybe I was expecting too much from these songs? They are but less than 4 minutes of perfection. Sadly sometimes longer than sex but that’s a whole other blog.

So a toast to RnB and long may it give hope to those who don’t have love stories around them. Ever wondered why those Back to the 90s nights are so big? Because that’s when many of us women still dared to dream. That’s why. It’s just a shame so many of us stopped daring.

Brown Sugar ladies. Follow your passion

© Chelsea Black

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Single Boring Female

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Categories: BLOG, Latest, Randoms, Tags: , ,

sbf

Single Boring Female.

This is a rant. I know I lament about the men a lot but I do talk about other things in my REAL life.

To all of those single black women who only go to events to find a man….please, stop. You’re no fun. You can’t relax and enjoy yourself because you’re worried about not looking wifey for all of 5 seconds and ….you’re just miserable looking. You’re draining and I am not the ideal friend for you. Sisterhood does not exist for these women.

I throw events all the time and I can spot a SBF straight away. They ask stupid questions like ‘how come you know so many men?’ and lament about how there are so few good men out there. That’s because the good men stay away from toxic women like you.

No one wants to get with the boring chick in her 30s. It doesn’t bode well for them. Stop looking at men like you are measuring them for wedding suits. Most men aren’t bright but even they can see it.

I’ve suddenly realised that as many of my friends form relationships and go become mommies and me a god mommy that they are replaced by SBFs. Single Boring Females are constantly looking for an in. They come empty handed and don’t have many interests apart from acquiring a man.

So how do you qualify if they are an SBF and to be avoided.

1)      Her behaviour changes the minute a man enters the room

2)      She honestly doesn’t know why she is single and the chubby chick in the corner is married

3)      She has a list for the perfect man although she has never met him

4)      She acts like the perfect woman despite masking a head full of broken biscuits

5)      She always asks who is going to be at an event and when there asks where are all the men

6)      She is pretty yes maybe but hasn’t realised that she isn’t 23 anymore so still acts like a woman who expects men to make ALL the effort

7)      She never invites you out to anything. She only calls to find out what you’ve arranged

8)      She never introduces any men to the mix. Any man she knows is a potential back up for herself

9)      She’ll disappear the minutes she’s in a relationship and only start calling when they’re problems

10)

So beware of the Single Boring Female. They’ll bore a man into submission yes but don’t let that be you

© Chelsea Black

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