Categotry Archives: Randoms


22.5 things I learned in 22.5 hours of hospital

No comments yet

Categories: BLOG, Latest, Randoms

wish4 th thTOF759GOWarning: Long post Rant

Just to be clear there were 6 of us in a bays. Oncololgy Orla who had the only visitors and is married to Dickhead Derek; Pneumonia Norma who only revealed her condition as she was leaving and was useless with her iphone charger; Vertabrae Vera from the West Midlands; Gallbladder Gayle, Hip Break Hilda and me, Chest Pains Chelsea. Let’s begin :

  1. If you go to A&E with heavy palpitations and chest pains, they don’t muck about.
  2. Always have a charger in your bag because, you’re staying the night. Best you keep a travel toothbrush and a spare pair of knickers in there too
  3. Don’t tell your family especially the doctors. They’ll panic and demand to speak to the consultants making you look ‘difficult’. Yes, you’re difficult but, they’re REALLY difficult.
  4. When medical students ask to touch your thyroid, say no. They’re over eager hands are cold and don’t know what they’re doing. Don’t let the other medical student touch you either. He’s just a nob and should never be allowed a human with those weird green giant hands.
  5. Dr. Google everything cos 4 doctors will tell you 4 different things. Google is your friend.
  6. Make friends with the nurses. Especially the winker. He’s your friend and will bring you stuff.
  7. Avoid the grumpy night nurse. She’s on nights for a reason. Moody cow
  8. Despite your bed being diagonally furthest away, Gallbadder Gayle will make sure you hear her full medical history again and again even if Oncology Orla has more to moan about.GG is a moaner, even in her sleep. She’s also a misery but, I would be too if I was a walking encyclopedia of every medical complaint since 1863
  9. The NHS are basically vampire blood suppliers. How much blood do they fucking need?
  10. Hip Break Hilda will tell you about the 2 black kids her daughter adopted who are the same colour as you. When you see said black kids and they are 7 shades darker, don’t point this out to Hip Break Hilda because she is 77 and thinks they’re lovely for black kids Just say nothing and revel in the fact that Hip Break Hilda has been in there for 2 days fasting and the lack of food is a factor
  11. The night shift registrar is an incompetent sour sod. In fact, I beg you don’t get ill at night. Save that shit for the daytime staff.
  12. After 20 hours with Pneumonia Norma you will have a sniffly cold. Whether this is psychosomatic or not, I can’t tell
  13. You will not sleep. The NHS haven’t heard of winter duvets. You will freeze and sleep in your clothes with the ECG tabs still on your body. This is hell.
  14. Vertebrae Vera will lend you her magazines when she’s going for an MRI. Do not read them! They are full of real life stories of mother’s cheating on their daughters with their boyfriends and weird disease you will think you have. Thank her nicely when she is back.
  15. Ignore all of the doctors except the one that is a specialist. The rest will scare you with shit that isn’t true and give wrong advice. I swear some of them only just passed most of their subjects so, fuck them and their scare tactics
  16. Dickhead Derek is a dickhead but, he got things moving. Oncology Orla was seen promptly and ate before everyone else. Get yourself a dickhead.
  17. When 7 people come into your weak curtained bay, ask them to leave. If some look like they’re in training bras then they definitely shouldn’t be there
  18. You’re not crazy. Your hormones are just out of whack which might explain the verbal scraps you’ve been getting yourself into since October
  19. Take time off work. You’ll be in that hospital longer than you think. Once you are in, you’re in for a while
  20. Pharmacy will drive you mad and bring on your palpitations. It’s not you. It’s them and the doctors. And there are no cute doctors. TV is a lie!!
  21. Plan something fun for your escape to take the hospital bad taste away
  22. The food is shit. If you can, walk and get a half dying kebab. You’ll be safer

22.5– I’m out; safely back in my #workwoes hell and on medication so, thank goodness for a proper diagnosis. Thanks for all the well wishes and the adventure was fun, sort of

© Chelsea Black


Work Woes – the final chapter

No comments yet

Categories: BLOG, Randoms


So yesterday we had a big meeting and wor woes continue. Essentially it was a group of permanent people deciding on my temporary future. IS the project worth continuing or should we just accept that it was broken since its inception under the old regime and keep it moving.

I was ambivalent. A month’s notice over the xmas holidays would be nice as I would just be closing down the project and leaving early for Xmas parties. That said, no new jobs will come out until end of January so not the best time to be job searching. So my fate was to be decided by others.

Wait, let me introduce you to the characters:

Old boss – about to abandon me for a life abroad. If I was white, ginger and English this is probably who I would be. We are the same spirit

New boss – Supports Chelsea and is insecure. Old and a bit competitive. Has been gunning to get me out because he thinks cutting staff is the best way to make savings. Idiot.

Big Boss – Another ginger. We minorities stick together

Blonde Boss – she lives up to the media sterotype and, lives in Essex

We walk into the room and I immediately choose the chair at the head of the table. If they’re going to essentially sack me then at least they can do it when I’m in the comfy chair.

New Boss kicks off with, this is broken. Can we just end it now. Big Boss seems to agree. But then, Old Boss is all, no! This can work. Ra Ra Ra. New Boss Shrinks whilst the gingers plan world domination through social care. I almost think that I want to stay and do this. We can do this. We can turn this plantation into a utopia. I’m even thinking, after Christmas I might come in on time occasionally to prove I’m a team player.

The Outcome

Finally after oscillating between pulling the plug and committing more resources to the project and lamenting over the thousands they’ve wasted to date on idiots who have now left, they decide to resuscitate one last time.

I’m ok with this and start planning my holidays with the money when, Blonde Boss decides you wants to get involved. Why? Blonde Boss is not smart. She’s pretty and likes to wear dresses from Reiss. This tells you that physically Blonde Boss and I are as far apart as Nobu and McDonalds. Now she wants a weekly meeting to help her understand the project. Why? This project has been crashing along since 2013. Why is she only interested now?

And then I see it. She’s trying to impress Big Boss. Married with kids Big Boss. She is also scared that New Boss will oust her out. I’m essentially trapped in what would be the most flat bottomed, insecure soap ever to grace TV. This is not good.

So I leave the meeting, refresh my CV and call my agency. Nobody should have to live like this. Here’s to a better soap in 2016

© Chelsea Black 2015


Management of facebook tragedy

No comments yet

Categories: Latest, Politics and Business, Randoms

12274723_10156167103540461_9133691962760405053_nThe management of tragedy on facebook

Media – Horror! Something bad has happened and it involves a Western Country! You must care.

Right – Fuck this! Let’s blame the minority we fear may take over and promote our right wing capitalist agenda ! We’ll use the working class cos they haven’t got a clue!

Lefties – Let’s all mourn. Here, take this flag to help you feel better about the state of the world

Minorities – Fuck universal mourning. Where was the flag when other groups were dying?

Media – Wait, come on people, can we not confuse the issues and mourn this because it sells?

Minorities – No! We fucking can’t. Besides, what did you do to deserve this. Karma Bitch.

Lefties – Erm ……shouldn’t your anger be towards the mainstream media?

Media – Hey! We’re just reporting the truth as we want you to hear it.

Minorities – Yes but they are too powerful for us to fight so we’ll piss on this instead

Lefties – OK but whilst we fight the right are gaining power?

Right – Oh Sweetie, we never LOST power. So disillusioned.

Lefties – But what about the hatred of ….

Right – We don’t care! It’s all about the money, Honey

Lefties – Could you stop with the diminutive names? It hurts my feelings and makes me feel disempowered.

Right – Sorry petal.

Minorities – We won! We showed them.

Lefties – you won? How?

Minorities – Something something something on facebook.

Lefties – how has that changed…

Minorities – Let’s go get snacks and go back to chatting about TV shows because apparently that’s all we care about.

Lefties – I’m just trying to help you because you clearly need help

Minorities – Check your privilege, Becky.

Lefties – Bob. My name is Bob. So it’s a no to the flag then? I just want you to feel what I’m feeling!

Minorities – You don’t understand what we go through EVERY day. You’ll be over this in a week.


Meanwhile Media and Right high five, give Facebook a big ole hug and get back to business.


The END.

© Chelsea Black 2015

1 2 3 4 5 28 29
%d bloggers like this: