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My New Year’s Wish

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Categories: DATING, Latest, Tags: ,

New Year’s Wishes

Hopefully yowish4u have fully recovered from your NYE antics and are ready to start the year ahead. I wanted to take a moment to talk about resolutions.

Let’s face it, resolutions can only work if they involve you and nobody else. Losing weight is an easy one to achieve but finding a better job or dating more is less in your control. Additionally resolutions are hard to keep. You fall off that gym membership wagon and before you know it you are reading the Ts and Cs to see how you can cancel it….in February.

For the last two years I’ve resolved to date more. An active means of finding FuHu (Future Husband). What has inadvertently happened is that my standards have gotten higher and I ended up dating less. I had one date in 2014 and two in 2015. These are not great stats an yet, all three men have taught me some valwish2uable lessons.

  • If you suspect him of lying or cheating don’t wait for evidence. Just trust your instincts and keep it moving.
  • If the sex is bad and there is no evidence that it will improve, leave. Nobody needs to take that kind of emotional trauma
  • If he can’t keep time, appointments, dates then chances are he’s a wasteman. Again, grab that purse and run. You aren’t here how to teach grown men how to respect your time. That was his parents’ job.
  • If he ignores your emails then, he’s not interested. Move on my precious.

I’m not saying men can’t change. They can. If they want to. And normally only when they are ready. You can’t make them do it any sooner. Stubborn

I wish you a year when a man tells you something nice then actually follows it up with actions that match.

I wish you a year where you find a man that compliments your life instead of making you think you have to sawish3crifice your fabulosity.

I wish you a year where you get to wear those delicious clothes you’ve been hiding at the back of the wardrobe because you are waiting for a special occasion.

So, I wish you a year of dating better. Of enjoying dating again instead of seeing it as a chore. Where dating compliments your lifestyle and you meet men that know how to behave.

Happy new year my precious x

© Chelsea Black 2016

 

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Mr Pound Land

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Categories: DATING, Latest

Mr Pound Land

So NYE and I was preparing for my party so had to do my bi annual trip to Pound World / Pound Land. This is a stressful time of year for all of us as, nobody likes to forget anything and have to make a second trip into that jungle of unnecessary shopping.

Anyhoo, I was in my normal uniform of leggings, boots and a short jacket when I entered and grabbed a wheelie basket. No soonuncle4er as I’d chucked bin liners in there then I heard, “hello.” It sounded closer than I’d like so I turned around only to see one Uncle from West Africa and a family of women clearly planning a spring clean of their whole house.

Turning back I moved further down the aisle to the air fresheners. Too much choice. Did I want Cherry Blossom, Orchid or Wild Berry. I had just decided Wild Berry when Uncle said, “Hello, Can I talk to you punclelease?

Turns out Uncle spotted me coming into the shop and followed my bum in. We start the merry dance. Am I seeing someone. I say yes. Can we be friends. I say no. He says why. I say because I’m seeing someone. And I already have too many male friends who aren’t really male friends. This confuses him and he pauses. I take this opportunity to move to the party section.

He then accompanies me through 2.5 aisles asking questions about my party. The plastic cups and plates give it away. I think he was sniffing around for an invitation. I ask him if he’s buying anything and he admits, no. So this dude just follows women into shops randomly and sparks up conversation?

I blame the leggings.

Eventually he realiseuncle3s that I’m not talking to him and he asks for the number. I say no. He says why. I ask, haven’t we been through this before? He looks perplexed like he can’t remember. It was 2 minutes ago. And so I walk away wondering who juju’d me to get this level of nonsense goat attention. I know we are meant to be open but, I don’t want a creepy Uncle with no game and a confused look on his face.

Next time I’m caught out like this I’m just going to go straight to the female hygiene section and regale them with stories about how exhausting bleeding like a stuffed dinosaur is and should I get the super plus plus ones?

Happy New Year my precious x

© Chelsea Black 2016

 

 

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The Saturday booty call clock

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Categories: BLOG, DATING, Latest

So over the years I’ve noticed a pattern to male behaviour on a Saturday. The sociologist in me has studied this further and my vague records show that there is indeed a pattern to football season booty calling. Alas many try to style it out with an early, ‘Hey Stranger? You good?’ but as most booty calls 1e26380d6f25098d16b2701ec039361care late night and desperate these are few and far between. And so now when a whatsapp or text comes in I check the time to determine what kind of booty caller we are dealing with. This after an ex tried calling me at 2am. Me? You think I’m alive to you? Nope.
Let’s get started:
Saturday Morning:
If he calls you on a Saturday before noon then this dude is a planner. He probably also supports one of the top teams so is quietly confident of a good outcome. We like planners. Planners have a plan. Hell, they may even have food and condoms and dvds you want to watch. Then again he may start a textathon early because he doesn’t like football in which case I don’t think he’s trustworthy. A man that doesn’t like football? Something dodgy there. Abort mission!
Saturday Afternoon:
His team aren’t playing so he’s not at the pub with the lads and so he’s got a bit of time on his hands and probably doesn’t have the right TV package to watch other DWryxwmWgames. We’ll allow this but know he’s going to have to leave pretty early if his team are playing on Sunday. Check the fixtures. It’s for your own good.
Saturday 6.30
The football is done. He’s called his mates to talk about the match and now he has some free time before tonight’s shenanigans. This is a cheeky chance to set out some expectations for later. He’s not promising anything but know that you are back up.
Saturday 8.30
That one friend is late and he’s waiting bored.You  can call this his foreplay. Chances are it’s the only foreplay you’re going to get from him so, all that witty repartee?  Savour it.
Saturday 10
He’s had enough drinks in him to test the waters for later. His team probably won today so he’s feeling good and wants you to feel good too. If his team lost then this is comfort sex which is not great for us but what he needs. Switch off the phone if Arsenal lose. You can’t run the risk of having to pretend to feel sorry for them as they passionately go through all the reasons why they should have won.

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Saturday Midnight
This is a confident move. The night is ending and he’s chosen you to be the lucky recipient of his company. Depending on how drunk he is you’ll decide who is hosting. Generally, he’s on his way. Tell him, bring snacks. Not booze. You don’t want to deal with trying to catch up with him on drunkenness whilst hoping he can still get it up later. Time for you to wind down those other whatsapp calls, no my Precious?
Sunday 2am
He tried to hit it with 3 women but that didn’t work out. One night stands are so passe. Even the last minute p1333077077826_7467777lay he’d warmed up wasn’t having it. He’s desperate. Are you? Proceed with caution because you don’t want to feel like the back up’s back up.
Sunday 4am
Drunk as a skunk and no use to anyone. Do not answer. I repeat. Do not answer! Check the spelling but, do not answer.
Sunday 6am
He did some drugs so he’s still high. I wouldn’t even bother getting up to pee at 6 so, leave him.
Sunday 10am
He’s just realised what a twat of himself he made last night and is calling to apologise. Oh wait, no, that’s us with our drunken dialling selves! Who’s to say that bootycalling is one way.
Enjoy!

© Chelsea Black

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