A-Sexy : A for Animals

He’s hot, you’re hot, conversation flows, the eye contact over the coffees linger and you think this is perfect. I’m going to drop the panties. As they lead you into the bedroom you say a prayer to the Dating Gods that you decided on the matching lingerie not the comfier off white ones that you couldn’t find in your rush to get ready.

You start making out on sheets that smell of Spring and as you close your eyes and melt into the pillows he does delicious things to you.  You hear panting and think that’s a little early for such breathing but then as you turn to the side you see a dog staring at you like you stole her man. That’s because you did.  And her side of the bed.

If this was a Rom Com I’m sure they would break off from sex to play with said dog. But no I seriously can’t stand sex with pet owners who feel that Buddy’s presence isn’t an issue. Pet owners are often hard work. One guy cancelled on me because he claimed his dog was poorly.  Another sent me pictures of himself but always with his 2 Rottweilers who both had red eyes. I don’t think this was just bad photography.  I didn’t write back.

Another time I was lying in bed snoozing when I felt something heavy and hairy. The man was heavy but surely his hair hadn’t grown that much in an hour?? No it was his cat who gave me one evil cat eye look as I flung it off me with a panicked scream. He woke up, said that the cat always slept with him and was just being friendly. Clearly he was deluded. Everyone knows that cats are perverse and territorial. I wasn’t willing to argue as he sat there cooing and holding the smug cat like it was his first born child. I was the one who took an earlier than anticipated taxi home.

So Animals are not part of any A-Sexy encounter. There is enough to navigate sexually without having to worry about an unfortunate 3sum with a Labrador or some toe licking action that is much better than your partner’s.

I’ll say your pet is cute but when it comes to sexy encounters leave them on the other side of the bedroom door.

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy