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Dear Santa 2016

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Categories: 40DayDating, BLOG, DATING, Latest

Dear Santa,

Me again. Yes I know I said that if you gave me a banging body, a phone that works and a better job that I wouldn’t ask you for anything else but, Santa, you’re killing me with the online dating? What’s the deal with all the duds on there? Are you not filtering anymore? And I hate to grumble but, I’m still waiting on that banging body too please? (OK in the spirit of fairness this may or may not have something to do with all those sugary treats you keep putting in my way.)

This year started off badly with zero dates for the first 4 months. I was starting to wonder if you had forgotten about me completely. But then you threw me a bone and gave me a guy with financial problems. This seems to be an ongoing theme this year. Out of 32 dates it’s been a hot money mess. Is my name Barclays? Here’s to show you that for once I’m not exaggerating my precious .

Love you Santa


12 tedious first dates

Some of the dates were so boring I had to set my phone alarm up and pretend to rush off to another appointment. How some guys appear witty on line but when you meet them they have nothing to say is a testament to their friends writing their profiles. It may also say something about my penchant for a strong handsome face and not actually reading their profiles beyond their height and star sign?

11 timewasters wasting time

Lateness is the bane of dating. Anything from 20 minutes to no shows have been experienced. Why am I standing outside of a restaurant you may ask? Because I don’t want the wait staff to know that, once again, I potentially have been stood up (see 3). Until you turn up I’m not actually sure that you’re going to make it.

10 poverty piss takers

Apparently it’s ok now for the woman to pay for the whole bill. If he starts to outline his financial woes during the starter then cancel the other two courses and save yourself the bill. This has become such a pandemic that I carry a spare card in my bra.

9 never agains

Some guys are so heinous that I never want to see them again. Anything from the way they talk about women and their exes to little things they drop about how they view life in general can put one off. Like those that proudly said they voted Leave. I can’t. Let’s just walk away from this date.

8 beggers begging

When they ask you where you live and who you live with it used to be so that they could come around for sex. But now it’s because they want a place to stay for free. Don’t invite them back unless you want to see them mentally measuring up your wardrobe room for their old comics and decks. You are not a storage facility!

7 waste men trying it

The ones trying to get their leg over but have absolutely no intention of dating you. Yes him. They are a growing breed. Don’t fall for the lyrics.


6 liars lying

A helpful hint to all liars out there: Scroll up before you lie and see if you’ve already lied about your age / height / marital status / who you live with. Otherwise you just out yourself as a liar. Sigh. So sloppy.

5 married men!

These ones were all unhappily married though so apparently that’s meant to sway me into thinking a wedding ring not for me is ok. It’s not.  [please note sarcasm American readers]

4 French dates

My best dates were all French Muslims. They turned up on time, they paid for the date (ok all of them were during Ramadan and didn’t involve any alcohol) and they were extremely polite. I’m just not looking for an interfaith relationship. I enjoy being a happy heathen.

3 Stood me ups

Those that just don’t turn up but then are really apologetic afterwards? I know you got a better offer. Just be honest.  Sitting at Bills by myself for 45 – 87 minutes is not cool. That’s how long it takes to get through two starters.

2 couples matched

Whilst unsuccessfully dating myself I did manage to hook up other couples and two seem to be destined to go the distance. Don’t I get tinkerbell points for that or something? Come on!!

And a partner just for me!

Santa, I know you are still working on the last one and you’re just waiting for the madness of 2016 to be over. Can we work together please instead of you and your elves using me for your after work target practise?

Thanks Santa!

Chelsea x



Street Wastemen Opportunitists

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Categories: BLOG, Latest

Street Wastemen Opportunitists

Summer brings out all sorts of Street Wastement Opportunists so be on your guard my precious and hope they are just chatters and not grabbers.

I didn’t bask in the sun today. Instead I waited until late then lazily walked up the bookstore hoping to get something lovely to read. On my way up I chat to a friend who is in a new relationship and the sun is shining and all is right with the universe. I love new love.

Waterstone’s Piccadilly is still insisting on mixing the black romance with the white romance so I have to trawl through every fucking shelf of British chick lit and regency and highland fling romance to find any black romances. Turns out that I’ve already read all 10 that they had. This however takes about an hour of random distractions and avoiding bookshop lurkers. There was one today. It wasn’t looking like a great book day for me so I left.

Despondent, I’m walking back from Waterstone’s along Piccadilly and I’m almost at Hyde Park Corner listening to my music when I see a dude crossing the intersection towards me.  Dude mouths something to me. I take out a headphone and he says that he’s sorry to bother me whilst I’m power walking and then asks me if I know where Green Park Station is and points to his phone like he’s lost. I tell him it’s 5 minutes down the road and he says thank you then adds, you look beautiful by the way. Dude is clearly not lost and probably is from London. Sigh


I wanted to break into an Olivia Pope style monologue but that’s too much like hard work. I wanted to tell him that men like him who think it’s a compliment to stop women in the street and compliment them whilst trying to get a leg over is not cute. He’s not cute. He’s annoying. His microaggression is trying to ruin my day!

Besides I know I don’t look beautiful. I’m in a crappy dress, old flip flops and a scarf half covering the mess that I call hair. I look a hot mess but clearly he’s just trying it. What’s your name he asks me because the dead stare I gave him clearly wasn’t enough. Popping the headphone back in and growling I just stomped off.

What a joker. Clearly I’m not powerwalking in flip flops!! Hope your summer loving is going a bit better


© Chelsea Black 2016



22.5 things I learned in 22.5 hours of hospital

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Categories: BLOG, Latest, Randoms

wish4 th thTOF759GOWarning: Long post Rant

Just to be clear there were 6 of us in a bays. Oncololgy Orla who had the only visitors and is married to Dickhead Derek; Pneumonia Norma who only revealed her condition as she was leaving and was useless with her iphone charger; Vertabrae Vera from the West Midlands; Gallbladder Gayle, Hip Break Hilda and me, Chest Pains Chelsea. Let’s begin :

  1. If you go to A&E with heavy palpitations and chest pains, they don’t muck about.
  2. Always have a charger in your bag because, you’re staying the night. Best you keep a travel toothbrush and a spare pair of knickers in there too
  3. Don’t tell your family especially the doctors. They’ll panic and demand to speak to the consultants making you look ‘difficult’. Yes, you’re difficult but, they’re REALLY difficult.
  4. When medical students ask to touch your thyroid, say no. They’re over eager hands are cold and don’t know what they’re doing. Don’t let the other medical student touch you either. He’s just a nob and should never be allowed a human with those weird green giant hands.
  5. Dr. Google everything cos 4 doctors will tell you 4 different things. Google is your friend.
  6. Make friends with the nurses. Especially the winker. He’s your friend and will bring you stuff.
  7. Avoid the grumpy night nurse. She’s on nights for a reason. Moody cow
  8. Despite your bed being diagonally furthest away, Gallbadder Gayle will make sure you hear her full medical history again and again even if Oncology Orla has more to moan about.GG is a moaner, even in her sleep. She’s also a misery but, I would be too if I was a walking encyclopedia of every medical complaint since 1863
  9. The NHS are basically vampire blood suppliers. How much blood do they fucking need?
  10. Hip Break Hilda will tell you about the 2 black kids her daughter adopted who are the same colour as you. When you see said black kids and they are 7 shades darker, don’t point this out to Hip Break Hilda because she is 77 and thinks they’re lovely for black kids Just say nothing and revel in the fact that Hip Break Hilda has been in there for 2 days fasting and the lack of food is a factor
  11. The night shift registrar is an incompetent sour sod. In fact, I beg you don’t get ill at night. Save that shit for the daytime staff.
  12. After 20 hours with Pneumonia Norma you will have a sniffly cold. Whether this is psychosomatic or not, I can’t tell
  13. You will not sleep. The NHS haven’t heard of winter duvets. You will freeze and sleep in your clothes with the ECG tabs still on your body. This is hell.
  14. Vertebrae Vera will lend you her magazines when she’s going for an MRI. Do not read them! They are full of real life stories of mother’s cheating on their daughters with their boyfriends and weird disease you will think you have. Thank her nicely when she is back.
  15. Ignore all of the doctors except the one that is a specialist. The rest will scare you with shit that isn’t true and give wrong advice. I swear some of them only just passed most of their subjects so, fuck them and their scare tactics
  16. Dickhead Derek is a dickhead but, he got things moving. Oncology Orla was seen promptly and ate before everyone else. Get yourself a dickhead.
  17. When 7 people come into your weak curtained bay, ask them to leave. If some look like they’re in training bras then they definitely shouldn’t be there
  18. You’re not crazy. Your hormones are just out of whack which might explain the verbal scraps you’ve been getting yourself into since October
  19. Take time off work. You’ll be in that hospital longer than you think. Once you are in, you’re in for a while
  20. Pharmacy will drive you mad and bring on your palpitations. It’s not you. It’s them and the doctors. And there are no cute doctors. TV is a lie!!
  21. Plan something fun for your escape to take the hospital bad taste away
  22. The food is shit. If you can, walk and get a half dying kebab. You’ll be safer

22.5– I’m out; safely back in my #workwoes hell and on medication so, thank goodness for a proper diagnosis. Thanks for all the well wishes and the adventure was fun, sort of

© Chelsea Black

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