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Is this 2019?

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Is this 2019?

The dinner bait

It started out so well. I went to meet with one of my clients late on Friday afternoon. So late that dinner hour hit and she suggested we go out to eat. Do I like Turkish Food, she asks me. I tell her that I had planned on some Pepper and Spice on the way home but, ok, I can do Turkish. Turns out that I can’t as they don’t do Gluten Free but that’s a whole other story.

I had seen her texting ferociously throughout but she does this all the time so was surprised when she announced that her cousin was joining us for dinner. Yeah, sure, whatever. By now I was just too hungry to care. She goes to let him into the office and then disappears to the toilet. I’m sitting on the sofa trying to remember what I can eat at a Turkish restaurant. Besides, my client has sooooo many cousins I think it’s one of the ones I’ve met before?

The set up

Enter the cousin. It’s not the same one. He’s probably in his 30s but looks like he’s lived a hard life. He has teeth missing. Poorly moisturised skin. He’s shorter than me and, I can still shop in Top shop petite. He comes to stand in front of me eagerly and, his flies are unzipped. I do the universal look down and lift my head up to indicate the problem but, no, he’s too busy giving me a toothless monologue to notice.

Did I mention the wedding ring? I don’t think anything of it all until my client’s toilet break extends to an uncomfortable 15 minutes. We have exhausted all the small talk and I smells a set up. Married friends, please stop doing this shit. Not every man is a potential hook up. This one looking for a second wife isn’t even potential!

We get to a restaurant and she explains that he’s her cousin but technically they could still get married. OK. I look over and now his wedding ring has switched hands. Oh no, does this mean he thinks we have a chance?

I want to tell them I don’t really do polygamy. I’m not Muslim and I am terrible at learning languages (I’m struggling to understand his English so would have to learn his language obviously)

I also don’t want to be a step mum to 4 children whilst breeding more. I want to tell them that being toothless with an NHS Dental service isn’t acceptable. I want to bring out the E45 cream in my bag for his face.  I want to tell them that I am just not feeling this match.

The doggy bag

But wait, this is 2019, I don’t need to mansplain my no. This concept that any man will do, even a toothless, married shorty is not only insulting but suggests that all single women are desperate. It’s other people’s discomfort with single women that’s the problem. An inherent need to ‘fix’ us so that we are not a threat to other men and women out there.

So, I ask for my lamb chops to go and head home. 2019 we are going to do things differently. Not everyone is a match maker. Not everyone thinks you deserve a relationship of you own. No, I must share with 4 children a first wife and a very y large extended family. I must learn a whole new language when I’ve been struggling with French for 6 years? NAH!

Happy New Year All and may your 2019 be blessed with all your heart desires.

© Chelsea Black 2019


Tis the ….Christmas 2018

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Tis the season to be …..

It’s Christmas and time for the dreaded parties. I have two as there is the work one and then the social one . The work one was the usual Secret Santa lunch where nobody made an effort and we struggled through small talk. I got gluten free brownies (yay) but they have nuts (boo) so I’m not impressed with whomever. That said I gave away a candle so, winning? I hated that candle. Smelled like old care homes.  

The social party would have been ok except people still think fancy dress is an excuse to touch and grope someone? When did this become a norm? I love fancy dress but, I HATE BEING TOUCHED. I struggle to get through a hug longer than 3 seconds without sweating. We really need to learn how to respect personal space.

Small talk.

Get your small talk game right! Why are there so many people who think that just turning up is enough and don’t even make an effort at conversation? A bunch of women sat around talking about their various states of singledom and not one of them mentioned hobbies or work. I mean, it’s boring to hear about how single you are and how few good men there are out there. Then we have to go through the usual, ‘ Have you considered dating an ex-offender /  someone outside of your race / a wasteman?’ Yeah we’ve all been there thanks.

 Have passions. Dating is not a job despite what 4 months of Tinder ® feels like.  And if you’re going to have zero conversation then make an effort with your look. Nobody wants to see your  3 day pyjama look when it’s not even ironic. Nobody!

My real gripe this year was the number of guys on Ketogenic diets. Know that this makes your breathe smell and therefore, by default, you shouldn’t be out in public making close up small talk about your passion for fitness and health. There is nothing healthy about that breath. Fuck the mistletoe and chew on some mint. Gosh I’m never happy!

It is always good to see some old friends though who only seem to come out of their smugly relationship cocoons in December. These couples remind us of why we are even bothering. The vain hope of finding someone to cocoon with is thin but ever present. I will however go and watch some random Chinese romance on Netflix instead and plan the outfit for next year. Shit, maybe even some Judge Judy. Lots of Ex offenders there!  I’d just have to move to the US and …..ok just a likkle Netflix and chill for me.  

Merry Xmas one and all. Even the wastemen.  

©  Chelsea Black 2018  


Warning: Creepy men and the friendzone

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Sometimes women can be too nice to avoid confrontation and nearly always, no, always it literally comes back to bite you on the buttocks. If you know or feel that a man is a creepy piece of shit then run. Don’t hang out in his friendzone even if it is work related. Learn to be a cold bitch.  

We met and I immediately knew that his penis would never meet Little Me. He on the other hand decided that with time my defences would probably lower and my standards disappear. You’ve got to love the over arrogant confidence of a misogynist. And so we played the game. I pretended not to notice his come ons and he pretended that he wasn’t that much of a horn dog.

Finally his penis got tired of waiting and his ‘Mr. Nice’ act wilted with it. I felt the full force of a petty man whose penis had not been watered.

Eventually  I suspect, he found another victim and I became redundant. He didn’t need to press up against me anymore as he had someone younger, gigglier, more naïve to play with. I wish her a stay safe and him a stay blessed as I move on to less creepier pastures

Stay out of the friendzone my precious. You’re better than that

© Chelsea Black 2018

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