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The proposal The timing

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s 29th of February so women are supposed to propose to the guy? Erm, not during a #datingrecession. Women are not about to buck tradition and get down on one rickety knee and I’ll tell you why…..it’s not our job to say when. That’s really the only thing you will ever have a say in again so fellas, own it. We do everything else. You just don’t always realise it bless you.

When is the right time to propose?

It’s tricky as we are all ready at different times but I personally reject all marriage proposals made within 3 weeks of meeting or before, during or after sex. Er, hello! You’re naked dude so where’s the ring? Clearly this isn’t well thought out. I’m partial to within 6-18 months though as after that you’re wondering into time waster zone. So the answer is

When you’re sure

I’m not a fan of the long engagement. Propose because you want to get married to HER not because she is pressurising you into a wedding before her Granny dies. Granny has been on death’s door since 1986 and I swear I saw her leading a congo at the last family bash so do it in your own time.  Most men say there is a moment when they know. Seize it and put that woman out of her misery. And it’s never cool to retract an engagement or to have an engagement portfolio.  One of my exes broke up with me and got engaged to someone else 2 weeks later. He’s now getting married to a 3rd lady. Good job rings can be recycled huh?

Make sure she’s sure

Best propose when you know she’s going to say yes! Don’t propose to make up after an argument, after you’ve cheated or when you’ve done one of your 2 week disappearing acts.  In the back of her head she will always wonder if the proposal was genuine. Besides some may just say no because she knows your mum just chucked you out and you are looking for a place to stay. That said some women really don’t want to get married. Either been there done that or can’t think of anything worse than shacked up to anyone. Or….maybe it’s just you?

But don’t take too long.

Hello! Eggs wait for no man. I’m fed up of speaking to men in their late 30s and 40s who still aren’t ready. Be honest, tell her she isn’t your future wife and let her get on with her life. Steal that one recipe that’s keeping you there or teach your little miss new boobs how to do the splits but don’t I beg you keep a woman waiting for ever. Wrinkles aren’t hard to photo shop but that desperate look of bitterness that you made her wait 6 years? Impossible. My motto is simple. Marriages don’t always last forever but wedding photos are for life! Don’t ruin them

Happy 29th February!

© Chelsea Black

Join in the discussion on Proposals and Marriage tonight on In Bed with Chelsea 10pm to midnight on www.playvybz.com

 

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The Proposal The Ring

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , , , , , , ,

So normally I would write off a month like February as too short, too cold and too full of hearts and roses for me to bother with. The chocolate is the only bit that warms my cynical heart and even then it has to be hot chocolate fondant. But this year is a leap year on which we woman can propose to the men in our lives if we so choose. I know one female friend who is planning a 29th Feb proposal and a male friend proposing in the next few weeks.  It’s a bold move and one that I, the misadventure queen have never ever done! Probably because I have never met a man worthy of marrying but more so it’s because I can’t decide on which ring I would buy myself.

Luckily for me I’m a singletini this year but what would be my criteria for proposing and how would I do it? Forget the sports tannoy. I’m already stuck my precious because the first thing that hit me is that either I would have to buy him something or buy myself THE RING!

I quickly dismiss the thought of buying him something. After all he would be getting bossy old me and my body to abuse at all hours of the day so there really is no better prize. And if he was so much to suggest that new rims for his car may have been a symbolic gesture then we know that marriage wouldn’t last.

The ring is frought with issues. My ex was given clear visual guides (catelogues/walk bys/ website images) on the ring that I deemed to be acceptable. Rings in magazines had been carefully circled and strategically placed in his football kit bag to ensure he didn’t mess it up. Of course he arrived at Pravins, got seduced by a pair of young buoyant boobs on a blond mop and promptly bought me something so heinous that he was forced to buy another. And his new wife is a younger blonde.

Another ex of mine got some cheap ring off a cheaper relative who knew a guy who knew a back of a lorry’s owner. He proposed to everybody with this one ring. They would say yes then, when they realised that his penis has other plans for him he would take back the ring and try his routine somewhere else. Luckily I managed to avoid said ring. The only place he should put that ring is on his prolific penis because that’s the only thing he is totally committed to.

I sometimes think about the Tiffany pink bauble that I’ve hankered for all these years and realise that if I bought it for myself it wouldn’t be the same. Hence I need a man that can and will (with clear guidance) buy something for me. De Beers / Tiffany/ Hatton Gardens don’t do a Groupon discount voucher. I checked.

But if you propose to him is it fair to then expect him to buy a ring?

Yes my precious it is because if the marriage doesn’t work and he runs off with little miss new boobs and freezes the joint assets (have your own bank account my darlings) then sometimes the ring is the only thing you have to pawn. This money will ensure you can afford that must have spa week / hotel stay. Believe you me an impressive shoe collection doesn’t fetch nearly as much as you hoped.

The only reasonable alternative would be for you to buy him an engagement ring. However I don’t see men walking around with diamond rings talking about carats andalways dreaming about a princess cut. Whether men should wear a symbol of their imminent single demise is a whole other issue.

And yes, if FuHu is reading this (Future Husband) these are the sorts of rings I would deem acceptable. Platinum my darling none of this silver or while gold for me. I love you!

©Chelsea Black

 

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The Bitch Block

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS, Latest, Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , , , , ,

So it’s the Christmas holidays and I’m on one of those dates which I know I will write about later for the sheer clangers the guy dropped. But there is a second story that emerges as the night unfolds.

We are at Sketch in Conduit Street sitting there listening to a small mouse like woman attempt to sing soul like she’s lived a life. Yes she’s lived in a suburb in North London but I doubt she’s been or seen south of the river if you get my drift. Bless her.

Then along comes a woman in her thirties, looks older mind, who knows The Date. We’re introduced and she starts. ‘Chelsea?  What do you do, Chelsea? You write a blog? Oh!’ She later launches herself into The Date’s lap. No mean feat as she’s not delicate but he manages to hold his seat and her. She turns her back to me and starts engaging him in conversation I can’t hear. The French maître d’ comes over and asks her if she can fetch her chair. Bitch Block says no and the maître d’ brings one anyway. I smirk. The maître d’ is a woman that spots a bitch block a mile off. I’m glad I left a good bar tip.

She tries to impress The Date by talking about society, government and Adam Smith. I assume her behaviour is because she is drunk but no, according to The Date she is always like this. And sadly he does seem to be impressed by her and her antics. He is a man with an ego that doesn’t get much stroking sadly.

The Date wonders off to explore the egg shaped toilets and I ask him not to leave me alone with her. He goes off anyway. By this point The Date had descended to making jokes about my arse and rape so his desertion didn’t come as a surprise. I am forced to make conversation with Bitch Block. And so she begins. ‘Chelsea how long have you had natural hair? 8 years! Oh I could never go natural’ she says flicking her relaxed hair at me ‘You’ve brave.’ I smile sweetly and calculate how much it would cost to remove just one layer of her make up from the ornate wallpaper if she was to trip over my foot and fall forcefully into the wall. I’m guessing more than I have in my purse.

The date returns and we move onto the Moon under the Water in Leicester Square. She asks me why I don’t do my eye brows like hers. I wanted to tell her it was because hers looked vile but something tells me the ego is fragile, so very fragile. She is the sort of woman who could happily slash you then plead temporary insanity. I don’t want to take the risks. So I explain that threading is adequate for me thanks. ‘You’ve hardly got any eyebrows Chelsea! You have Chinese eyebrows.’ I don’t know what this means and am too bored to ask.

And then it hits me. This isn’t her fault. She acts up and men respond. I start to watch The Date and never does he tell her that she is out of order or stops her behaviour. She is spoiled and anxious because like the rest of us she is thirty something and single. She then picks some fluff out from my natural hair quiff.

So I say nothing because it’s Christmas. And at the end of the day he wasn’t on a date with her, he was on a date with me. A bad date yes, but a date nonetheless. The last time I got into a bitch block competition I won and ended up marrying him. I know now to only bother if the prize is worth it.

So, to all of those women making New Year’s resolutions please, leave the crazy nutella desperation at home. It’s not a good look and I’ve never actually seen it work. He will enjoy the attention yes but in the same way that he enjoys a lap dance. He leaves it in the club.

Happy New Year my precious readers!  See you in fabulous 2012

© Chelsea Black #datingrecession #fabulosity2012

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