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The truth about cats and dogs

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , ,

A-Sexy : A for Animals

He’s hot, you’re hot, conversation flows, the eye contact over the coffees linger and you think this is perfect. I’m going to drop the panties. As they lead you into the bedroom you say a prayer to the Dating Gods that you decided on the matching lingerie not the comfier off white ones that you couldn’t find in your rush to get ready.

You start making out on sheets that smell of Spring and as you close your eyes and melt into the pillows he does delicious things to you.  You hear panting and think that’s a little early for such breathing but then as you turn to the side you see a dog staring at you like you stole her man. That’s because you did.  And her side of the bed.

If this was a Rom Com I’m sure they would break off from sex to play with said dog. But no I seriously can’t stand sex with pet owners who feel that Buddy’s presence isn’t an issue. Pet owners are often hard work. One guy cancelled on me because he claimed his dog was poorly.  Another sent me pictures of himself but always with his 2 Rottweilers who both had red eyes. I don’t think this was just bad photography.  I didn’t write back.

Another time I was lying in bed snoozing when I felt something heavy and hairy. The man was heavy but surely his hair hadn’t grown that much in an hour?? No it was his cat who gave me one evil cat eye look as I flung it off me with a panicked scream. He woke up, said that the cat always slept with him and was just being friendly. Clearly he was deluded. Everyone knows that cats are perverse and territorial. I wasn’t willing to argue as he sat there cooing and holding the smug cat like it was his first born child. I was the one who took an earlier than anticipated taxi home.

So Animals are not part of any A-Sexy encounter. There is enough to navigate sexually without having to worry about an unfortunate 3sum with a Labrador or some toe licking action that is much better than your partner’s.

I’ll say your pet is cute but when it comes to sexy encounters leave them on the other side of the bedroom door.

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

 

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The proposal Why Women Wont

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , ,

Women proposing : Why it won’t happen?

So a friend of mine proposed today and of course he said yes. There was no doubt that he would because a more perfect couple you rarely see.  I’m sure it was beautiful and that they will have an amazing marriage. MAZEL TOV!! (clinks virtual champagne flute until our next girly drink session at The Aubrey)

That said let’s keep it real. The majority of us will not be proposing and I’ll tell you why :

  • We are traditional when it suits us and only when it suits us. The rest of the time we are card carrying feminists who believe that men should do the asking and us the decision making. Equality is really whatever we want it to be. Men chase, women choose as they say. This is the only double standard afforded to women so I don’t mind using it today.
  • We don’t want to buy a ring. Hello have you seen the price of a 3 carat diamond princess cut ring these days?  But that’s not the reason as I assume the ring bought is a ring she buys for herself? (Looks in piggy bank and doubts 12 £2 coins will crack it.
  • What gift? I know nothing about engagement gifts for me. It’s just not set up that way. I would consider proposing if society changes and men start wearing engagement rings.  I would want everyone to know that he was taken and by a woman who has tastes. Shame men’s rings are so bloody dull. Might I suggest a small engagement tattoo near the earlobe to indicate he’s taken? £30 well spent. Hmmm, I still need £6 more.
  • Women worry that you will say yes out of politeness. Men have this annoying habit of not wanting to hurt our feelings. So they’ll keep sleeping with us even if they are in love with someone else. So a yes is never a guaranteed 100% yes. Best you ask her.
  • Women aren’t used to rejection. We can’t even cope when a baby starts crying in our arms
  • We are cowards. We aren’t as strong as all you big brave men.
  • Why? Men ask us all the time so for us to do the asking would be us spoiling you and let’s face it your egos are big enough without us inflating it with proposals of marriage
  • We are spoilt. This isn’t going to chance on one day in 4 years. You indulge us and we love it.

That all said I do believe we should ask more and therefore I take this opportunity to ask someone out. He knows who he is. Will you go out with me? (Brown Sugar moment)

Yes, No, Maybe? Text me the answer BEFORE the end of the radio show tonight. (Gulps nervously and wonders if I should just get my Mum to text me instead?)

Join in the discussion on Proposals and Leap year tonight on In Bed with Chelsea  #IBWC 10pm to midnight on www.playvybz.com

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The Proposal The Prep

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , , ,

A male friend of mine told me that it’s really hard to propose. I think I was supposed to be sympathetic but quite honestly I wanted to shout, “Try strapping an African and English wedding onto your shoulders, dude” These things aren’t easy in comparison.

But ok. Here are a few tips

Romance

“So what you saying? Should we do this or what?” Isn’t really going to crack it. Remember this: This story is going to be told again and again. It can either make you look amazing and get you loads of play OR it can be used against you EVERY time she wants to win argument. And that’s a lot. So best you think the setting the ring and the words out carefully. Romance can also make up for a slightly smaller ring than Madam would have wanted. The story trumps the ring.

I would stick to your own words as opposed to those used by great romantics if your delivery isn’t your strong point. If you have an amazing voice, musical ability now is the time to use it to draw some tears out of her. (Might I suggest an X Factor style audtion of said song choice to female friends in advance? They’ll tell you if you should lead with the song or just buy a bigger ring.

Setting is everything

My ex wanted to propose at Old Trafford. Whilst it is one of my favourite places in the world outside of Department stores, Champagne bars and bed I’m pleased he didn’t. He realised that being surrounded by a bunch of surly men berating the absence of Ole Gunner and eating meat pies the way I eat chocolate wasn’t a good choice. Besides we had nosebleed seats. Chances are in my excitement to see the ring I would have dropped it.

Outside is fine but please make sure she is appropriately dressed for that climb to the top of the mountain before embarking on this journey. Nothing says No like a drenched or sweaty woman whose heels have been ruined.

Family and friends is a gamble. In one way great she is pressured to say yes but on the other hand what if she pulls one of those faces that tells you the thought of marriage was the last thing on her mind? She just liked to bang you and thinks you’re a wasteman? Best do it in an intimate setting I suggest.

Ring

You can see more of this on Leap Year: The Ring but a tip on size is to steal one of hers that she wears on her ring finger or right hand if you don’t know the size. Better a bit bigger than smaller.

If you are unsure of her size then buy a cheap one and then go with her to choose the real one. This may prove more expensive though so best you ask her best friend or you steal a ring. I’m a K by the way, in case FuHu is reading this (that WAS 10 years ago and pre Haribos. Darling go for an M for Maxine and we can always resize)

A nice touch is to get it engraved. That suggests you aren’t planning on recycling. Yeah I’m STILL bitter. 😉

But no matter what don’t try to propose without some preparation. Nothing says No like her asking you why you didn’t ask her father first when she clearly sent you the email 6 months ago with his details. It sours the whole proposal.

Join in the discussion on Proposals and Leap year tonight on In Bed with Chelsea  #IBWC 10pm to midnight on www.playvybz.com

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