Categotry Archives: In Bed With Chelsea


There’s a hole in my bucket

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, In Bed With Chelsea, Misadventures

A-Sexy: B is for Bucket fanny

So whenever you announce that you are a size queen men (usually the insecure ones I must admit) regale you with tales of bucket fannies. Now I’ve done my research and the average woman’s vagaina length is 3 inches long and won’t stretch beyond an inch beyond that sans child birth. So for her to be stretched to the point where your Prince Hakeem is flapping around in there suggests that either you are small or that she should be on Embarrassing Bodies.

As the chances are she isn’t shying away from sex assume she is normal and that  the issue is with you.  Stop with the bucket fanny stories. My small mouth yawns at your attempts to make women feel insecure. It won’t work. We all do out muscle exercises over our morning cereal.  So there is a hole in your bucket excuse.

In the unlikely event that this is your life partner and she has auditioned for Embarrassing Bodies then yes, do seek medical help. But I swear these are the same guys who are always trying to convince you that anal is the holy grail. Hmmmmm. I guess like everyone else they too just want to feel the sides. Bless

Oh and ladies if he breaks your heart is not ok to go around telling everyone he has a small dick. Why were you with him for 3 years. Come on!

That is all 😛

© Chelsea


In the Black – A girl with a plan (June)

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Categories: ABOUT, FIND ME, In Bed With Chelsea, Read More, Tags: ,

So you know when you turn up to those business networking do da things and they tell you that everyone is going to have to do a 60 second pitch? And you’re standing there thinking to yourself, “****! I’ve got half an idea, my deodorant stopped working around noon and I’m hungry.” Well that’s how I feel about writing this column. It’s half an idea based on a series of status updates on a certain social networking utility but, hopefully, by the end of this you’ll get the idea.

Deadlines and word counts, my parents would be so proud. Not that they’ll see this. I mean, who wants to be confronted with the fact that their daughter is a dating disaster, spends way too much day time in the local park and thinks that the recommended drinking limit for women is 21 units? (Its 14 units for those of you who also thought that 21 was the right answer. It is, if you’re a man). Oh, and the sex! No one wants to admit that their precious child is out there exploring. Not as much as she would like to mind you but exploring none the less.

I’m a girl with a plan. I plan to have babies, get married 4 times (1 down only 3 to go!) and am destined for great things. Unfortunately I am severely allergic to kids, fall in lust way too quickly, and lack the focus for success. But none of this stops me from dreaming. You’ve got to have dreams right? I work for myself as an administrator and social group organiser (see reference to park above) but am a full time bar fly.

So a bit about me just to set the scene. Ok, I’m over 21. I’m at the age where men ask me how many kids I’ve got as opposed to do I have any. Then again this could be due to my permanent budda belly that I call Maxine Saj. She goes everywhere with me and constantly craves chocolates and woo woo cocktails. I don’t question these desires, I just provide.

I live in London and will not be removed unless under the influence of lots of champagne and a Tiffany ring. In fact, I saw the perfect champagne pink bauble ring in their window the other day. I think the ring, a house in zone 1 or 2, a great credit rating to counterbalance mine AND patience makes for the perfect compromise for being stuck in a relationship. Oh and a credit card would be yummy but I’m a realist. You can’t have it all.

Now I would love to stop and chat some more but you’ve just reminded me that I need to contrive a subtle way for my latest lust bunny to see the bauble ring. It’s been 3 weeks and I’m hopeful. So what if he hasn’t called me for a week. A girl with a plan, that’s me.

Ciao for now my precious

© Chelsea Black

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