Categotry Archives: GUEST POSTS


My African Lecturer

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Categories: GUEST POSTS, Misadventures, Sex, Tags: , , , , ,

This post was originally written for a great sexy blog from the African perspective

So it was my first year of university and I had developed a teenage tendency to crush hard and assume that every man I met was the one. I was young I was naïve but the one thing I wasn’t lacking in was confidence…. or time on my hands.

The target of my youthful affection was my Humanities lecturer. At the time 6 years older than me was a lot and he had the cockiness of a man who knew everything. I had to have him. He had a gorgeous smile, could wax lyrical about feminism and yes, ok his body shape hinted at the cuddly frame he would have in later years but what did I care He stoked the passions of my cerebral fires and I was hooked.

He wasn’t stupid either. He saw the eyes I gave him and spoke to me a little longer than necessary after class. But he was a popular thing and I rarely saw him out of class without an entourage of sappy 1st years. I knew better than to be part of that group. Instead I stalked from a distance but acted cool up close and personal.

Then one day an opportunity presented itself. I spotted him in the distance and my lower regions did a tumble of excitement. He was with a group on the main concourse but was saying good bye and heading out towards……shit, where was he going?  The concourse was a square in the middle of the campus but there was a complex rabbit warren of exit possibilities. So I ran, knocking down lecturers and students as I tried to intercept him. It was then that I thanked my previous short lived career as a 400 metres running school girl as I put on that last spurt for 50 metres .

And out of the building he emerged, like a short African god smiling at me benevolently. He stopped and I told him I was at a loose end so would walk with him to his next class. Turns out he was heading to his dorm. So we made it back and somehow I managed to invite myself in for lunch. I don’t know how my precious but I had blatant unashamed skills of horniness. He took the bait. He knew what I wanted. We never had lunch.

15 minutes I was heading back dazed and confused. Oh don’t get me wrong we had sex but the whole thing had lasted….well not very long at all! But then I was an ardent reader of Cosmo and knew that sometimes the first time isn’t always great. And maybe he had been really hungry. He didn’t look like the sort of man to skip a meal.

The next time I was ready. We went back to his and when he looked close to finishing after 3 minutes I suggested that I get on top for a bit and let him lie back, relax and watch. Next thing I know I was on the floor. I was there for longer than 15 minutes this time but only because he was lecturing me on the ways of an African man. He really was a very good lecturer. Apparently I shouldn’t offer suggestions and I was to be fucked and like it. Sex was his area of expertise not a woman’s.  I tried to ask him what I was supposed to do if I wasn’t really enjoying it and he laughed at me. Of course I was enjoying it. I was? Well he was my lecturer and he knew best but, I really didn’t THINK I was enjoying it. I asked him about all his feminist teachings and he said that was his job, not his life.

Needless to say my dreams of the older man who would pleasure me to ecstasy died a quick death. The next time I saw him on campus he didn’t’ smile. Years later we spoke on Facebook and he told me that he had then realised that he was a shit shag and I kindly confirmed that he indeed was. So I guess in the end I taught him a thing or two?

Lesson learned my precious, it’s not the age of the lover that matters

(c) Chelsea Black


In search of the good black man – a practical guide

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Categories: DATING TIPS, GUEST POSTS, Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Not one to take the easy route, I have decided to make finding love, dating and relationships even harder by being culturally specific. I speak of my search for the elusive Good Black Man, codename: Blake Goodman.

Yes, I too seek this mythical, wondrous creature, similar only to Big Foot or the Loch Ness monster in the rarity of his sightings once a woman passes 30.

First, I have to ask myself if I truly believe that he exists.

A resounded “yes”! I look around and see that many of my friends have one. If you don’t have couples as friends, this might be part of the issue. I know many who are close friends and beautiful human beings, but I have not been asked to be Mrs Goodman (Mrs Goodman-Black; I would double barrel).

I hear he is a shape shifter, and appears to us individually in different guises. I cannot yet describe mine but, according to legend, he will make himself known to me. If you are reading this: flash the pink bauble Tiffany princess cut diamond in platinum set (size K), and I’ll know it’s you.

I am asked the question “where are all the good black men?” incessantly. My first response is, “why do you think I will have the answer to this question, when I am as single as you are?” That said, I have found that there are some great starting places.

I share this because, with three years on the frontlines, I may not be able to tell you how to keep him (boo!) but I can tell you where he might be. Good luck, and if you see me looking at the same man at an event, then may the best woman get the ring. I mean him.

Disclaimer: There were 10 tips but, until I have found him, I figured it best I keep a couple back for myself. I can’t give away ALL my tips now, can I?

1. Church and Community Groups

I would suggest you go slow here and make friends first. Apparently there is some celibacy rumour circulating hence I’ve never attempted it. Circle your prey without him noticing and let him come to your aide. Those hymn books can be hella heavy!

I also recommend branching out into other churches, mentoring or big society based initiatives where people won’t pinch your cheeks and remind you of that time you drank all the communion wine. More than one visit to church will be needed.

2. Social Networking Groups

This is the perfect place to start a conversation. The goal is to identify a common interest and steal him away from the group at your earliest opportunity. If you spot a potential, don’t hang around more than 15 minutes before speaking to him. Know that other women will have also spotted him, and will be on it the minute you pause to breathe (toilet breaks can wait).

I would like to add a warning here: IF you are not interested in iApps or speaking Japanese and have no desire of learning, do not join these groups. You will be sniffed out as a fraud. One Bob Marley album and the Wikipedia page on Rastafari wasn’t enough to see me through.

3. The Net

Facebook et al. now allow you to talk to people in groups, carrying on multiple threads about subjects that are dear to your heart (e.g. why is that Tweedy-Cole still singing?). Having hooked up with my last guy like this, it is an easy way to identify potential. These help you dismiss those who might need sectioning.

Look out for any anger management issues, misogyny and worrying signs of spending way too much time bitching about his ex. Again, do not join the Accrington Stanley F.C. group without being an avid fan.

Don’t be afraid to ping him a friend request or personal message about a clever comment he made on a thread. Hold back on the crazy. Note that anything you say may be used against you later so best you censor yourself a little at first.

If you are paying for an Internet dating service, then treat it like a job. At the height of my dating I contacted five new men a day. I was never without Nandos come the weekend. Lastly, do not be afraid to ask the site how many active members they have of your specific ethnic or cultural group before stumping up your money.

4. University and Night Classes

I know girls who, when they were 18, had the foresight to choose courses which gave them better dating options. If you were studying engineering or maths you were a late-night study-session shoe-in. It highlights a guerrilla approach to getting a man early which I now envy. A night class (or just the open days?), strategically chosen for location and accessibility, is a great place to start. Stay away from flower arranging, knitting, or courses like Car Maintenance for Women.

5. Sporting Events

Not for the faint hearted. Be prepared for a cold, long haul. Please see your doctor before joining your local running club and realising that you may have to run… far. If only I had been so warned.

If you do not know any more about football than you did prior to the World Cup then please only hang out at matches with a friend that does. I suggest male friends as two women screams ‘on the pull’.

Sadly, tomboys can still finish last. Understand that you must never ever know more about his sport than he does. Feign ignorance whilst remembering not to interrupt. This isn’t the time to ask him how many kids he’d like to have. If you really don’t know anything then please, just be quiet. Cheer when they cheer and sneer when they sneer.

Football is a poor choice as the number of Blakes at live games is relatively low. There are more of them in the supporters’ pubs… or try basketball games (it’s warm indoors so your outfit can be justifiably skimpier). Remember that sport is seasonal.

6. Use Your Team

There are only so many events you can physically attend. So you need to utilise your family, friends and work colleagues. This is your unique resource. Ask everyone if they know any potential dates and if they could hook up a low key meeting. This is hard as some people (Mama Black) have no shame or subtlety, but if you are in a specific cultural circle then get your team to work for you.

Start by asking all those happily married or attached black women. They may try to set you up on all sorts of inappropriate blind dates based on random coincidences (you have both been to university, or both have mothers). Be a love and tell them what you want.

7. Business Networks

Business events are perfect for forcing interaction. Business cards at the ready and a 20 second intro on why you are here is all that is needed. You don’t have to own a business. You might just be looking for career progression. A woman with a regular pay cheque looks mighty attractive to a penniless entrepreneur. Give him your card and tell him how you can help his business. He will call. It’s not a date but it is an opportunity.

8. Organise / Help

Being the organiser means that you get to vet all new prospective members of a group, or meet everyone at an event. You can introduce yourself without reserve. If this isn’t your thing then offer to help at an event. Maybe collect the money or be a greeter. Push yourself forward. And smile!

Now go forth and conquer. But most of all, enjoy!


The Psychic breakup


Categories: GUEST POSTS, Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Guest post on

The psychic breakup

So the other day I had a fight with my psychic. Or should I say ex psychic. Yes I know she is the psychic and I’m meant to believe in her ability to see the future but, she accused me of bullying her and I accused her of being a liar. In a mini diva (it was hot and there were a lot of breakables in that tiny shop) I stormed out and sought solace in chocolate and my friends. Strangely when I relayed the story back nobody seemed to find the bullying claims hard to believe. So much for your friends having your back!

A lot of what she said to me that day made perfect sense and I was agreeing and making mental shifts and notes as we talked. She told me that I would start seeing more clearly and that some friends would try to hold me back but that for me to achieve true happiness I would need to liberate myself from a constrained view of my life and start a new journey. Always with the journeys these people. She told me about my secret crush but annoyingly didn’t see this going anywhere at all. She then told me I would meet my partner in October 2012 and that he would have grey hair. Just how old was this man going to be? I tried to negotiate a younger model but inside I started to get quite disheartened. I couldn’t wait over a year to meet some old man. Anna Nicole Smith I am not. Then I asked her about the babies. She looked at my hand and said “Yes, one baby!”

This couldn’t be right. 8 months ago she was clear that I would have 2 +kids but now it was down to one? How could my future have changed?

This news put me into a spin of panic I won’t lie. We fought, I stormed out vowing never to return and bought a cupcake from the shop nearby. Hmmmmm, I wonder how much business the cupcake shop gets from distraught customers who have just had a reading?

Then I remembered that yet another birthday had occurred in those 8 months without me doing anything proactive and with that, my fertility had clearly reduced. Well I’m nothing if not determined my precious. I got onto the sperm donor search with a drive and purpose that I had never possessed before.

48 hours later and I had one sperm donor potential through my favourite clinic, 2 live donors, one overseas and another that was donor curious. I was on fire! I bought some fertility aiding crystals, spoke to my parents to ensure that they were on board and mentally prepared my friends for my shift in lifestyle. No longer would I be the last one out of the club or the one with the £200 booze bill.

And then it hit me that this law of attraction stuff really works. But if I could achieve so much in 3 days of focussing on the baby who knows what I could do if I were to focus with purpose on finding the partner to face the daily nappy mountain with me?

So I rushed out and I bought a whole new set of crystals. Oh the fertility ones are still basking in the moonlight but now they sit next to my attracting love crystals

Honestly I do feel happier. I have taken control of my life and realised that that living without purpose can sometimes mean you’re not living and life is passing you by. I have come to forgive the psychic although I don’t think I will be going back there. She could only tell me about the trajectory I was on right now but that was my fate not my destiny. Only I could determine my destiny. Or is it the other way around?


© Chelsea Black

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