UPDATE: I wrote this in September 2008 , (I know I know I’m always late).Yes, when I first started my tumultous affair with that best of institutions, British gas home care.

I called in distress
Telling you my life was a mess

The heating was gone
All the hot water, done
The water was now cold,
I felt weary and old

What’s a single girl to do
when the boiler isn’t new?

Call a plumber!, they’ll know what to do

The plumbers have come and been
The boiler has been more than seen
As the days went by
All I got was a load of tuts and sighs
These cowboys were devils in disguise
Out to plot my financial demise

Quotes from 2 to 4 grand
Yet not one of them would give me a hand

Can’t you see that I’m in despair
Don’t any of you extortionate motherfuckers care ?
This news cost me £300 quid
And my heaters were still as damp as a squid

Desperately I looked up tickets for the sun
Cos living without heat ain’t no fun
Hmmmm Italy, France maybe even Spain
Anything to relinquish me from this pain

And then YOU came into my life
Releasing me from all the trouble and strife
All dressed in blue,
You said your name was Stu
A young lad who obviously knew,
Exactly what to do

You said between 8 and 1
But to be honest I was almost undone
When, you arrived on time!
(I’d figured that arriving on time was a professional crime.)

You told me you could fix it the next day
I thought that’s ridiculous, there’s no way!!!
But you were as good as your word
Not a tut or a sigh was heard

Now that my hot water is back
My life is right on track
I feel so happy and gay
In my hips there’s a new sway

Even though I now have the flu
I know what to do
When I need something fixed
Without my savings being nicked
You may not be cheap
But your knowledge is deep

Now I’ve seen the light
Only you handled my plight
Of independent plumbers I’ll beware
Cos they simply don’t care
Homecare on speed dial is a must
For only in you can I trust

Thank you Stu
For the work you do
May your work continue to bring joy
To thousands of girls (and the occasional boy)