Categotry Archives: Health and Fitness

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Stop moaning Theo Walcott

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Categories: BLOG, celebrity, Health and Fitness, Latest, Tags: , , ,

Stop moaning Theo Walcott

So this morning I wake up and twitter isn’t saying much so I decide to see what’s trending. And out pops Theo Walcott. I won’t lie my precious. He’s not my cuppa. Good footballer but he needs to grow some balls first. Or some facial hair. He’s too damn pretty. Apparently it’s not about the money but about the position he plays. We all want to be the glory seeker darling but someone has to play in goal as the fat kids on playgrounds everywhere learn quickly enough. He’s talking about wanting to stay at Arsenal and become a legend like Thierry Henry.

Please! Takes a moment or 20 to have her favourite Henry fantasy involving a pitch, some shorts and….yeah that’s about it.

We are just getting over the indulgent overly patriotic reporting on the Olympics. But this transfer crap reminded me of my own sports petulance of shame. As a youngster (not that many years ago thank you)  I was given netball trials for the county. They made me play WD instead of GD. The key is that GD is more prestigious than WD which isn’t allowed in the circle. As you know even now I don’t like to kept out of the action.  After a few games I started to cry. I hated this lowly position I had been given. How dare they not recognise my talent as GD. Some coach heard me out and allowed me to play the last game in GD and ….I wasn’t great. I was fast and could read the game but I didn’t have the height or build to contend with my GA partner. I went home thinking that at county level I was a great WD but as a GD I was only mediocre. I also learned that when it came to team sports you have to be able to put the ego aside and play for the team not for yourself. Luckily I made county but only by a whisker I can imagine. And all these hard life lessons at 11 years old.

So now when I read the back pages and I read about Cristiano pulling strops or players being quoted as pulling strops like Tevez because they want to leave the club I just get annoyed. You’re a footballer let your feet do the talking not your agent in the back pages . It demeans you as a player. I know that this all about building your brand and telling the club what your intentions are but can’t you do it over a starbucks coffee like the rest of us? Negotiations aren’t tabloid fodder. And if you do want to be a legend like Henry then learn to have some class Theo. And maybe some decent facial hair. I dunno. Something more than whining about where you play.

As for the money. Over it!

© Chelsea Black

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The Black Body Beautiful Updated

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Health and Fitness, Latest

To read the first piece done written last June please click here!

UPDATE:

So I wrote this last June and I never got a call back. I don’t think the last time the photographer saw me he thought he could photoshop out Maxine Saj, my Budda Belly. She’s a fighter bless her, I’ll give her that!

Pity because I had practised poses which hid Maxine perfectly. These were mainly me with my back to the camera or lying on my belly but, at least I had thought about it. Here’s another example of poses I had perfected. I still hadn’t managed to work out how to pull a sexy face without looking like I was constipated but, photoshop?

 

I also lost my gym membership and therefore pint sized Tia. I did manage to go 3 times this time which is a gym membership record as I hate gyms. Ok I cancelled it. I’m seriously allergic to the mirrors, unnatural equipment (About 20 minutes on the cross trainer. Cross training across what, chick? I don’t get it!) and those guys in the corner grunting and indulging in their homoerotic body worship.Ok those gym guys would be worth the membership if they could talk about anything else other than what they eat and repetitions and weights. You lost me on no alcohol my lovely. We have nothing else to talk about.

After an awkward incident where I was made to eat my fish sans Hollandaise sauce, Jamel fell in love so lets me eat what I want. Linda is on her way to coupledom too, Donna has a real job  and Aloe Vera juice is really not that tasty. I stick to cranberry juice, the occasional 10KM run and denying myself sweet stuff when I think things are getting out of hand. That’s you Maxine

 

The thing is that no matter what they say about loving you for you I love me more when my body is looking fabulous. I also love sex more so there’s nothing for it but for me to look fabulous to feel sexy. I’ve also noticed that my sex drive is much higher when I’m exercising and not planning reasons to have KFC.I don’t mind getting on top for fear of squashing the poor victim and I’ll even give the odd lapdance if inspired. (please note that the music selection isn’t negotiable. Leave my itunes alone)

So the sex etiquette is simple. Feel better, feel fabulous, f*ck better. Fancy dress also looks so much better without a bulging belly.

Alas winter is over and the coat has to come off eventually….I’m going to have to go for the body reveal sooner or later. Which reminds me, time for that run.

@ Chelsea Black A-Sexy  

 

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My Bra bubble burst

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Health and Fitness, Latest, Tags: ,

A-Sexy B is for Bra

So for a long time I lived a lie. I thought I was a 34B and happily went around telling people that I was the average size for women. I don’t know why this was so important but I think  too much Just 17, Mizz,  More and girl’s only schools had made me competitive. Oh, I never wanted to be big. I played sport, wouldn’t they just get in the way? Besides, I had a bottom to contend with in a world where bottoms were NOT fashionable. Yes my precious, this was BJL (Before J-Lo)

Then, out shopping with a male friend I was harassed by a woman into getting measured in a department store. Maybe they were running a promotion but the woman was insistent. This was in South Africa at a time where older women were allowed not to attend customer’s service training. They all think they’re your aunties so I wasn’t about to get into one with her. I politely told her that I knew my bra size and didn’t need her services but she wasn’t having it. My friend looked on as this woman manhandled me on the shop floor with a tape measure, cold hands and a steely determination.  I finally gave up the desire to wrestle. She had at least 40 kgs on me.

Then she shouted across the shop floor “Patience, bring me out the 32s rack from the back!” What the F*ck?

First of all I was reeling from this devastating news?  I wasn’t the teen magazine holy grail of a 34? (Now of course I’m ecstatic at this news.) And secondly, the 32s weren’t even good enough to make it onto the shop floor? What were they trying to say to women like me by keeping then in the back? That we didn’t measure up. And shouldn’t they take you to somewhere private before breaking this news to you? Not shout it across the shop floor?

As my so called friend laughed on I should have suggested we go take a turn in the men’s department and get his inside leg measured. But instead my whole body image shifted as I realised…I would never make page 3 of any national newspaper. Unless of course they start doing a bottom page but logically that would have to be near the back of the paper. Like, maybe page 43. Not quite the same ring to it does it?

Hmmmm, maybe I should give Maxim a call?

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

 

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