Categotry Archives: DATING

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Dear Santa

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Categories: DATING, Dating Challenges, Read More, Tags: , , , , , ,

Dear Santa

Now, I know, (like lots of men) when I talk, you sometimes don’t hear everything I say; but PLEASE, after last years Christmas Prayer I really feel that I am going to have to be a bit more specific if we are going to crack this 2nd husband thing.

I know that you are busy Santa, and that there are too many women out there in the same boat as me, but to be perfectly honest I think with a little Chelsea team work we can crack this thing by Valentines’ day. So here is my Santa gift wish list for the coming year:

Single
I really am not one to share. So when one guy proposed to someone else just two weeks after we broke up I realised that he had been a time share. It’s also bad that I have accidentally dated married men. Santa dear, can’t you mark them? Maybe a partridge tattoo on their neck? I might be regularly merry, but I’m not ready to be any man’s hohoho.

Ambitious
Oh Santa, bartenders and students are great but it’s not so much fun when they are over 30, eyeing up your flat as if it were their new home but still on a pay-as-you-go contract. I don’t need a professional man, but, seriously, someone who can’t get a T mobile contract? Please sprinkle some tinsel their way and give them the gift of wanting to be the best that they can be. If I have to sit through another old home made rap / band CD I think I might be spending New Years behind bars for assault.

Nubian
I know it doesn’t snow much in Africa but I would still like an African diaspora Nubian elf to erm… help me fill my stockings.

Trained
I really thought you had cracked it when you brought me the divorcee. On Skype it was hot, exciting and I almost believed that I heard angels sing. Hark! On dates he was constantly late and made love like an over eager adolescent. I was bruised by his clumsy attempts and nursed bite marks for 3 weeks afterwards. I don’t mind tweaking Santa but he needs to know how to make the angel on the top of the tree light up. At 40 surely he should be trained by now?

Accessible
Don’t get me wrong my precious Santa I have had real moments of fun this year, but it has nearly all been on the internet with men on other continents. Please can you sleigh some of those fine men over here? I will gladly pass the gift of cyber sex on.

There are obviously other things I want, such as good health, wealth and for the annoying woman at work to get sacked, but we can focus on those separately (Please see attached Appendices A to G marked Private and Confidential) So to all the single Bells out there: Merry Christmas my precious as we try to find our very own Mr. Jingle.

© Chelsea Black

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In the Black – My Not So Funny Valentine

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Read More, Sex, Tags: , , , , ,

Ok so here’s is the deal. I tend to put a lot of hope and thought into Valentines Day. Don’t ask me why my precious. Even when married, its not like I got more than the standard card and something functional like a steps video for those wintery nights at home whilst I rushed around looking for 5 perfect gifts for our 5 imperfect years together.

But this year, this year was different, because not ONLY was I single for the first time in forever, I was seeing not one, but two delicious men. Call me greedy but I see it as portfolio diversification and I’m not one to preach but in a financial crisis a girl has to have options. Dinner options.

So the first one, Young Banker, was a hangover from 2008. A boy that proudly told me that he was a year older than last year. He booked me a whole 9 days before V day. I was almost impressed. He claimed not to be the same cheap, lazy young man who couldn’t be bothered to make an effort anymore. I claimed to be the same demanding chick who couldn’t cook.

So then he texted me with two hours to go to the meal and asked me if I had any food preferences? A tad late I thought. We met and made our way to dim t, Pimlico. On the way we passed a Nandos and he suggested that ‘we go there instead.’ I told him firmly that I supported Nandi’s every week and today, I wanted something more romantic.

I think he felt that all his efforts had been spent, as we sat to eat a meal where I chatted with my friend Sugar on Blackberry Messenger and he regaled me with tales of …erm; I really don’t remember any of them

At the end of the meal he proudly presented the waitress with his 2 for 1 voucher. She proudly told him that it didn’t work on the weekends. I reluctantly offered to pay for my share (£17.50) and only his reluctant refusal of my offer won him a space in the cab back to my place.

Once at home, just as I thought things couldn’t get any worse, he jumped onto my laptop and began to search porn sites. He couldn’t even be bothered to think up his own foreplay? That was it; the boy was shown the door.

Thankfully the day was saved by Guy 2 who accidentally sent my card to the address upstairs. It finally made its way downstairs (but I could feel my neighbour’s resentment steaming off the envelope she had tried to hastily stick back together.)

He then bought me chocolates, perfume and knickers. Now you know that red isn’t my colour girl, but when a man asks you to wear the gift for him, what’s one to do but buy a pair of matching red heels and fishnet stockings?
Bye for now my precious, I’m off shopping
© Chelsea Black

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My Christmas Prayer

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Categories: DATING, Dating Challenges, Read More

Every year it’s the same. Every year without fail I start praying. I send a prayer to the big man upstairs asking for a man who will treat me like a queen, spoil me like a princess and never EVER question my need to buy shoes, chocolate and cosmetics. It’s not too much to ask no?
And yet every year Santa says the same ole thing. NO!!! Well I’m tired of listening to the cuddly guy in the ill fitting crushed velvet suit. So this year my precious, well, you know moi, this year I had a plan. I was going to find my own man. You know: a gift to me…

And I made some headway. By August I had successfully stopped contact with all lovers and ‘accidental’ friends (cyber lovers, drunken dials and Facebook flirts don’t count).

January saw my dalliance with a guy who was separated but still living with his wife. He didn’t mind practising kissing under the mistletoe when we were tipsy but when sober he reminded me that he didn’t plan to marry until he was 45. He had just turned 30.NEXT!!!

Step forward Bachelor number two: Mr April. Own business, serious and cute!!. We spent a lot of time texting. He gave great text. Who could want more? Apparently me.
On our first date he failed to turn up. Assuming (or kind of hoping) he had been in an accident, I found that he was no longer able to dial out, pick up or text. Turns out that he was already giving great text and sex… to his wife. I’m hoping she gave him the gift of breaking the bones in his hands.
So onto my August man. Yes my precious, I had almost convinced my mother that this could be the one. He’s fertile, (has kids), a hectic job (money and no time to monitor how I spend it) and no wife (a girlfriend). She asked me to send her a picture of him which I did. She then asked me to send me pictures of alternative sperm donors. He clearly clashed with her Christmas card photograph.

Now it’s December and I’m back to being realistic and circling the Tiffany catalogue. I just pray for the energy and patience to go on blind dates, flirt online and worse, pretend that I too want to eventually move to Nigeria and build an import business from scratch.

So what to do my precious? Let’s drink, be merry and enjoy the fact that only us single girls can get away with truly misbehaving this month! Carry lots of mistletoe, sing bad karaoke and make sure you are standing next to true potential at midnight on New Years Eve. This, I fear, is as much planning as a single girl can do.

And when you are filling my stocking please slip a few condoms in there for me. I think its time to find some new lovers to see me through the misery that is an English January.

Merry Christmas my precious!!

© Chelsea Black

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