Last night I was booty called. Yes I know my precious I’m appalled too. Not because it shouldn’t happen but because this is a guy I haven’t heard from in 3 weeks, had bad sex ages ago and now he thinks it’s ok to call me at 2.30 asking if I want company? NO!

I told him I couldn’t because I had given up sex for Lent. I doubt he believed me. Anyway, it got me to thinking about booty calls and why there is a thin line between an acceptable one and a not so acceptable one. I think the key for me is that there needs to be a build-up. A text earlier in the day perhaps or a bit of twitter banter to grease the wheels. But a booty call out of the blue is not the one.

Then I got to thinking about me and my cock calling exploits of times past.  If a woman calls you after a certain time of night know that it’s not a booty call. We don’t want the booty. WE want the cock. I know you are never sure if this is just a precursor to us wanting more and robbing you of your independence but trust me, sometimes we just want the cock. But be warned not all women do

So here you go guys a 3 step guide to that cock call that may be coming to a phone near you.

If you get a call and it sounds like this,

Him: Hello?

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you. What you doin’?

Him: Nothing just chilling playing on some stupid games consul that I’m way too old for. You?

Her: Nothing much. Ah, so you fancy coming round?

Then know she is horny and go over. However you must check on 3 things

1)      How drunk is she?

If the call is more like this-

Him: Hello?

Her: Singing “How did you know, cos I never told, you found out I got a crush on you” OR

Her: Hey gorgeous. You’re so sexy. Why don’t you bring that hot body of yours ‘round so that I can XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  then I’ll grab that sexy arse of yours and XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

Then chances are she is on the right side of drunk and it is safe to proceed. This is the sort of drunk when she’ll be freakishly dirty but not emotional. It’s a win win. She’ll be slightly shy in the morning but you’ll have had a good night so what do you care. Proceed to check 2

If however the call goes something like this!

Him: Hello?

Her (sobbing): XX you know I love you! Why can’t you just love me as much as I love you? [pig grunt] We would be soooooo good together and not just when you are making love and you do that thing where you get me to suck your balls whilst you watch porn but in the day time too.[pig snort sobs get more hyper]. I’ve spoken to my Mum/therapist/bitter single best friend and she says I need to tell you EXACTLY how I feel. Can you come round so we can talk about it?

Then I suggest you fake a dodgy connection, switch off your phone and go back to punching people and attacking them with balls of fire.

2)      The fuel situation

I’m not talking about your petrol although that’s not a bad one. But listen for someone who survives on snacks and thinks 3 glasses of champagne and some Haribos constitutes a full meal mine is not the place to come without bringing your own supplies. The only thing I have mastered to standards that I’m willing to share is the big English breakfast. So if the sex is amazing you may get rewarded.

You guys however require constant sustenance to keep yourself going throughout the night. At least that’s the excuse we women keep hearing for some lacklustre performances. I guess it’s because you lose a teaspoon of protein and sweat all over our sheets therefore food is a necessity. My advice? Stop off and bring a takeaway. It’s the least you can do to again avoid the emotion trap and much better than flowers or a bottle of booze. You know your performance decreases by 20% on booze.

If you are asking her to cook for you be warned that you are entering into the realms of a relationship. If you are going to restaurants before or after a cock / booty call also dangerous. Inevitably the need to discuss the sex will come up and that never ends well for the man. Trust. You say you wouldn’t mind trying anal she says she wouldn’t mind trying a relationship and it’s all over. Keep talking to a minimum. Just do that thing you do so well where you roll over and play dead whilst snoring and hogging the blanket. Nothing says just sex more than that.

3)      Condomize

Now I know I preach about this all the time but why do you leave your house to go somewhere else, pass many a tesco express and 24 hour pharmacy, manage to stop off at KFC and yet still reach a woman’s house without condoms? This is not a good look. If you come over looking like you could potentially have sex without a condom then again you are venturing into a conversation about what this all means.

If she’s clever she will have hidden her real desire for a relationship or even better may not deem your cock worthy of its own face cloth but, do you really want to take the risk here guys? Sex without a condom is tantamount to a declaration of trust and affection. Make sure we know that it’s sex and nothing but sex. So bring your own condoms and stop being so cheap. (Note Mates and Trojans are the brands of choice. Durex are not the one. Yucky spermicides)

That’s it. The 3 checks for a successful cock call. I’m going back to bed to catch up on my interrupted sleep.  Or and if she is calling you after 3am forget it. By the time you get there she’ll be fast asleep or grumpy. Trust me. So take the risk and shower afterwards not before.

Happy calling!

© Chelsea Black