Categotry Archives: Misadventures


In the Black – My Not So Funny Valentine

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Read More, Sex, Tags: , , , , ,

Ok so here’s is the deal. I tend to put a lot of hope and thought into Valentines Day. Don’t ask me why my precious. Even when married, its not like I got more than the standard card and something functional like a steps video for those wintery nights at home whilst I rushed around looking for 5 perfect gifts for our 5 imperfect years together.

But this year, this year was different, because not ONLY was I single for the first time in forever, I was seeing not one, but two delicious men. Call me greedy but I see it as portfolio diversification and I’m not one to preach but in a financial crisis a girl has to have options. Dinner options.

So the first one, Young Banker, was a hangover from 2008. A boy that proudly told me that he was a year older than last year. He booked me a whole 9 days before V day. I was almost impressed. He claimed not to be the same cheap, lazy young man who couldn’t be bothered to make an effort anymore. I claimed to be the same demanding chick who couldn’t cook.

So then he texted me with two hours to go to the meal and asked me if I had any food preferences? A tad late I thought. We met and made our way to dim t, Pimlico. On the way we passed a Nandos and he suggested that ‘we go there instead.’ I told him firmly that I supported Nandi’s every week and today, I wanted something more romantic.

I think he felt that all his efforts had been spent, as we sat to eat a meal where I chatted with my friend Sugar on Blackberry Messenger and he regaled me with tales of …erm; I really don’t remember any of them

At the end of the meal he proudly presented the waitress with his 2 for 1 voucher. She proudly told him that it didn’t work on the weekends. I reluctantly offered to pay for my share (£17.50) and only his reluctant refusal of my offer won him a space in the cab back to my place.

Once at home, just as I thought things couldn’t get any worse, he jumped onto my laptop and began to search porn sites. He couldn’t even be bothered to think up his own foreplay? That was it; the boy was shown the door.

Thankfully the day was saved by Guy 2 who accidentally sent my card to the address upstairs. It finally made its way downstairs (but I could feel my neighbour’s resentment steaming off the envelope she had tried to hastily stick back together.)

He then bought me chocolates, perfume and knickers. Now you know that red isn’t my colour girl, but when a man asks you to wear the gift for him, what’s one to do but buy a pair of matching red heels and fishnet stockings?
Bye for now my precious, I’m off shopping
© Chelsea Black


The Foodie Call

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Read More

In the Black – Foodie Call.
I’ve finally figured out what you all have known for years. Food and sex are the foundation of any good casual relationship, now more commonly known as the foodie call. Two essential needs being met at once. A delicate balance of being fed and erm… being fed! You get the picture.

So this is how mine went down. For a while now, he had been flirting online. I’ve only ACTUALLY met him once but you know when it’s special. He likes you, showers you with loads of attention, hence, its special. Normally I would have tried to seal the deal on the night but hey, I was drunk, the club was loud and sweaty and I may have been slightly distracted by the Thierry Henry look a like at the bar.

Last Thursday I came home and scanned the fridge. Hmmm. Beetroot, Soya milk and chocolate body paint do not a meal make. Even though I live within a mile of six supermarkets, I just couldn’t be bothered to leave my house again and then come back and cook. So I jumped online to see if there was anything happening where there was likely to be some grub. My friend Tia was suggesting The Westbourne, but only for a quick drink. But then HE came along. The email asked me how I was and we started chatting. I broke it down: I had no food, I can’t cook and I was so hungry that I was contemplating eating at the dodgy chippy conveniently forgetting the stomach cramps from last time!

Yes, I know black women are meant to be able to throw down in the kitchen but I guess I assumed throw down meant something else entirely? Don’t judge my precious.

So he suggested that he come around and cook. I pictured him trying to rustle up something with the body paint and beetroot. It would also mean me having to clean the flat. So I told him no. Then he counter offers to cook for me at HIS place. Now this is a plan I could work with. A meal, potential sex and NO laundry in the morning? JACKPOT.

I jump in the shower and mentally plan an outfit that screams: ‘I could wear this to work tomorrow.’ Then, just as Kylie and I were hitting the dodgy high note, my stomach rumbled and it hit me. I didn’t know where he lived! So I jumped back online and asked. He eventually told me.


Needless to say Tia and I had a great night out at The Westbourne and I managed to grab some food. I’m all up for a foodie call my precious but you need to have the right ingredients. What if he couldn’t cook? What if he couldn’t satisfy? What if he lived outside Zone 2?

Gotta run. I’ve got a foodie call with a guy in Gloucester Road who swears his food will make me cry out. I guess that means lots of onions.

Ciao for now my precious

© Chelsea Black


In the Black – the gift basket (July)

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s always a tricky one isn’t it? Your latest fling invites you over for the night. So let’s think; dinner, sex and the morning after to stress and obsess over.

My “sex date” look takes a good three hours plus industrial strength products to achieve; so you see what I’m working with.
But this one had potential hubby written all over him. I was determined to stand out and be remembered. Yep, the legendary shag of pub and stag do conversations!

I thought I had it cracked. I would simply fill a gift basket with foods for the evening, toys for the night and products for the morning without looking like I was moving in…just yet.

So first, the contents. I did my research and bought his national foods, soaps and bath bombs from Lush, went crazy in Ann Summers, Harmony and Simply Pleasure in Soho and of course, the mandatory Mark and Spencer’s underwear purchase. I’m a traditionalist at heart. It took three days of hardcore shopping and heavy reliance on the blackberry but I had a plan.

He’s an African man cooking me an African meal so I went for a wooden bowl as a basket. I eventually track one down in Crabtree and Evelyn, but realised at home that it was too small! I would still need to take a suitcase to get through my 12 hour visit. So, mustering all my resolve I went out again and just as I was about to give in and treat myself to some well deserved chocolate cake, I stumbled across a cute vintage wire basket at Victoria & Jill’s. I still had the chocolate cake mind you.

But, like most best laid plans I still have the basket and (cough, except the chocolates) most of its contents at home. Why you ask? Because when I wrapped it all up in netting and ribbons I realised that despite failing Home Economics, I had created a masterpiece too good for a mere man. A few cuddles and kisses do not a gift basket make. Plus I spoke to my best friend who relayed a similar story about a seduction scene straight out of 9 1⁄2 Weeks too early in her relationship. So I did what any normal girl would do and packed my biggest, ugliest work bag. Now he just thinks I have bad taste, as opposed to too much time on my hands and the intention of robbing him of his single status.

Needless to say the date wasn’t what I was expecting. I was made to help cook (see Home Economics. reference above) the sex was underwhelming, and I woke up stiff-necked whilst he snored and hogged all the pillows. Not even so much as a poke on Facebook these days. Good job I nixed the Robin Givens “Boomerang” rain coat idea eh?

Nope, I’m going to save any creative outbursts for my girls. So look out my precious, there’s a hen night gift basket coming your way!

Ciao for now my precious

© Chelsea Black

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