Categotry Archives: Misadventures


The Network Nuisance

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Categories: Misadventures

The Network Nuisance 

So networking is a massive part of our everyday. We go, we meet new people, we connect and then, years later we may even do business. Socially it works too especially if you are new to a city or you want to meet people who share your interests. Cute!

But some people use it for so much more. They lipstick up and look for ‘usband. I get it chica, there’s no eligible bachelors at your Plantation so here you are, gatecrashing a network in the vain hopes of finding some marriable dick. Hmmmmm and the men dem aren’t much better. Some have confessed that they want a bang buddy and who is most likely to give them drama free dalliances. I tell them that I really don’t know because, why would I help you get over on someone else?  

For over 10 years I’ve been going to the same network. It works as it’s once a month with the odd cinema trip or talk thrown in. But recently I’ve started to question some of the nuisances who grace said group.

Firstly, there is the woman who storms in, demands to be introduced to all the men and then storms out. She’s level 1 aggressive with an agenda and time poor. Why when this is a social group are you treating me like your exhausted P.A.? Nah

Then there is the introvert who thinks turning up is the only thing they need to do. The rest if up to you. Entertain them their eyes demand. They never ask about others and if you get stuck sitting next to one then your whole night is ruined. I can’t be arsed.

Then, and possibly the worst are the network nuisances. Last month I met one and immediately I thought, yes, there’s something about him I like. Turns out he is purposely charming.  Yes, he made a couple of ignorant statements on ‘Africa’ but, I can forgive as he knew that they were indeed ignorant. Then he did that thing a lot of guys do looking for freeness. He appealed to my feminine need to help by telling me how he needed business coaching and …..yeah free coaching was over in the noughties. We have moved on from cuteness = freeness to you better just sort yourself out in life.

But then upon further questioning it transpires that he’s married! I stared in the poorly lit bar and with a squint saw that, yes, he had the well treaded indentation of a ring. So, he took off a ring so that he could go hunting for women to help him build his business for free? Or he just an incorrigible flirt who thinks to get women on his rare night out?

Either way he’s a nuisance and should declare his intentions early on. He’s a Network Nuisance.

In other news, nuisances are on the decrease so are getting smarter about how they conceal themselves. Take heed my precious!   



archive revisted winter warmer blues

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Categories: BLOG, Misadventures

Now as we all now summer is the ultimate in finding the WW. Yes my precious the Winter Warmer. The guy we don’t mind sharing the duvet with because we know that a) body warmth in the UK means cheaper fuel bills and b) chances are he will be gone as soon as the snow drops and daffodils start to blossom. The perfect solution to a seasonal need.


So this was the summer in which I surely couldn’t go wrong. World cup years means men from all over the world joined in holy drinking, analysis and flat screen TVs in pubs. If ever I was going to score it was going to be 2010.


So where to start? Mr Bromley, left over from last winter was an obvious choice and as if the universe agreed I bumped into him. We set a date then he ruined it by saying he had forgotten howto get to my flat. Yes to be fair the thought of yours truly travelling to Bromley didn’t appeal but what made him think he could pick up where he left off 6 months back without so much as a Nandos first? A hearty meal is an essential winter warmer’s responsibility!


Then there was my perfect on paper Mr Banker Winker. That’s not a typo. He winked at me for days online. He owns his own house, spoke 3 languages, worked out every day and declared himself ready for a temporary to permanent arrangement. I was almost sold. We then spoke on the phone and one of his first questions was “So……are you adventurous?” I started telling him about the time me and my friends broke into the men’s toilets in a church hall when I was in the Brownies. I don’t think these were the sorts of adventures he was referring to. He ended the call with a fantasy he had for me where I would get a massage from his hot Brazilian friend (his words not mine) as foreplay. Something tells me he and the Brazilian may have ended up neglected my needs for their own pleasures. Call me old fashioned precious but it’s best to wait until we’ve met before introducing other people into the mix. Then again maybe Winker is a typo.


Oh there were others, so many others. One I am sad to say didn’t make the cut as he vehemently hated Take That or any pop band since 1982 which is more than 35% of my iTunes library. Replacing boy bands for one man who doesn’t appreciate the happy of pop? NEXT!!

So as we fall out of Autumn into Winter I find myself stocking up for hibernation. Electric blanket, thermals, PJ jumpsuit – check! At this rate any man I meet this winter may have to battle his way through 3 layers of sleepwear. But like all badly wrapped pressies, it’s well worth tearing open the wrapping on Christmas morning.

Happy hunting!


©Chelsea Black


My Beach Bond Moment in Barbados

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Travel, Tags: ,

So for my birthday (I have three but that’s a whole other blog) I decided that I needed some beach bikini and promptly took myself off to Barbados. My friends told me to take condoms and make up etc in case this was my ‘Stella Got Her Groove Back’ moment but I’d already had that and to be honest I didn’t really have Bond on beach fantasy. I just wanted to work on my vitamin d and catch up on some much needed sleep

I arrived in the afternoon and it felt like I was being kissed and hugged by the sun and heat. As allergic as I am to the cold I’m quite literally addicted to the heat. It completes me. I was promptly whisked off to the resort and it was lovely. I made the mistake of partaking in their welcome rum punch and fell asleep on my bal

cony over looking the sea. This was heaven.

The next day I dug out my honeymoon

Bond moment Barbados

bikini and, it fit! I got up early (I’m an eight German so have an inbuilt need to grab a lounger early. I’d been spying on the beach since 6am) and sauntered down to my lounger. Bar staff came to take orders so you never ha

d to go in. The wifi even worked as I was so close to the hotel.

A few hour later and I saw someone bobbing along the sea. Ignoring him I went back to a facebook argument about one of the KarKrash family I think. Then I saw the bob emerge from the sea.

Now, in terms of female fantasies there have only been two sea scenes to reference. The first is Daniel Craig in every sing Bond movie I think. The second is Tom Cruise in some movie where their plane crashed and he emerged and you realised that Tom was now not the hot thing of yesteryear. He was giving serious Daddy hotness not sexy hotness.

Well, this was worse. Firstly he had moobs. His bra size would definitely be bigger than mine and I’m a small D cup. Secondly he looked like he’d eaten Nemo. And why was he walking towards me like we knew each other? Oh fuck! A beach fuckboi opportunist. Was Idris or Omari Hardwick busy?

He did indeed come over and start chatting me up. Why? I blame the honeymoon bikini and the lack of any other black women on the beach. Turns out he was a grandfather of 5, in his 50s, semi retired and way too chatty. I hadn’t even had my second smoothie of the day.

I tried to be reserved and unengaging but, he was nigistent in his approach and insisted on exchanging details. I gave him my messenger. He eventually left and I promptly slagged him off on facebook before remembering that my profile is public. Did he see it? I felt bad but then thought, hold on, this is my holiday. How dare he think it’s ok to impose his mooby self on it. I thought I had escaped that sort of nonsense when I got on the Virgin flight at Gatwick. Quick shout out to Virgin  on the gluten f

ree meal by the way. Not so much on the way back but you killed it on the way out.

Anyway he insisted on taking me out on my birthday. I guess he hadn’t read the post. We walked around the west side of the island and he showed me his primary school and then said we should go to his cousin’s house. Er, does this fool think I’ve never seen an episode of Oprah? You never ever let them take you to a second location. Yes, judging from his flip flopped feet and belly I could outrun him but, CSI Miami was about to start and I had to make a decision. I chose Miami.

Needless to say I probably wasn’t in any danger at all but, I didn’t want to become some unknown tourist who disappeared in the middle of the night who wrote ‘moobs’ in the sand as a clue to the police. Nah, this was no Bond moment.

© Chelsea Black 2017 #BikiniBirthday #BimBreak

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