Categotry Archives: DATING TIPS


The Butt Effect


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The problem with being blessed with curves my precious is that some men think its ok to make an unsolicited approach in public. I say this as my recent chocolate induced weight gain has all been suitably placed on my most African part. Not ideal admittedly but a curse that I have accepted as mine. That some men will beep their horns or approach me only from behind has become dull. Gone are the days when they even pretend to be interested in my personality.

So three recent incidents have highlighted the relationship between black men and the butt.

My work colleagues
Last week I was on the train on the way down to Brighton for a meeting when a guy stumbles into our carriage, cuts me off in mid flow when I was intricately explaining why I deserved a raise to my boss and his PA and told me that his friend wanted to talk to me. I said that I was busy whilst my white colleagues looked on baffled. But no, he had the persistence of a dog with a bone and insisted that I talk to them before they got off the train at East Croydon. Now I recall them walking behind us on the train. Coincidence? I think not!! The PA gently asked me later if this was a cultural thing. I told her that it was a black man and butt thing and that they really didn’t discriminate.

The grabber
Saturday on Oxford street is an assault course at best but this time I felt a definite grab of the butt. Turning around a black guy smiled at me and acknowledged that yes that had been him. I was annoyed but resigned to such behaviour but my friend Linda was not impressed and started having a go at him. His retort delivered with a smile “I saw something I liked” Apparently there is no shame or grabbers remorse in this world.

Shhhh…Im praying
Some people have church, the bath or bookshops as their special place. I have HMV. A place I go to worship the musicians and directors who will give me hours of joy. So needless to say I wasn’t too impressed when a young man saw me walk past and started making woop woop noises at his friend. His approach was immature at best and I knew he was completely inappropriate when he bragged that he was 28. Purely out of pity my precious and a keen understanding that you never know when there will be a man recession I took his number. But these are the times when we need to put aside our prejudices and be appreciative that young men exist. Just not in HMV!

The strange thing is that I think I will miss this behaviour when I am so old that my butt has gone south and no one takes a glance at the continent. Oh well my precious, back to those glut building leg lifts for me!

© Chelsea Black


Pay as You Go

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS, Misadventures, Read More

In the Black – Just saying no

Ok, confession time. Hi, my name is Chelsea and…..I can no longer date guys with pay as you go (PAYG) phones. It may sound harsh but here’s an ABC of why it just doesn’t work for me.

Cubana, Waterloo: my friends and I bump into a cutish guy. I say cutish because tight jeans don’t really look good on any man do they? Ok, I think I picked him up so clearly logic had been drowned in mojitos.

The 2nd time he called he asked me to call him back as he was low on credit. Still naïve to the PAYG syndrome I acquiesced. He eagerly talked about himself for 45 minutes with very little pause whilst I played free cell and tried to remember what he looked like.

I tuned back in and it dawned on me that every story he had told centred on him being off his face on drugs. I explained that all my money is for my own addictions – chocolate, cocktails and clothes. Not cocks on coke. I thought we had a spiritual mojito connection but clearly our mobile connection was broken

Bi Guy?
Heaven, Charing X: I was approached by this pretty young thing walking around with his shirt off. My friends insisted he was gay. He said he was straight. It was 3am, I shrugged and proceeded to engage in some “snog” action (I know, how old am I?)

A few days later he calls asking me to call him back. I know my precious but the BODY! Numerous missed calls later and I was getting fed up. The final straw was when I got the old “low on credit, call me now!” text. I quickly dumped him by text as I figured this was in a format he understood. Is it so wrong that his phone habits bother me more than his sexuality?

Benugos, Waterloo: The only clues I have of this guy are a few drunken photos on my camera. He called days later and quickly asked me what network I was on. He then said that he couldn’t really chat to me anymore because I wasn’t on his network and his credit was running low. I figured he meant that day. I guess our networks are incompatible because its been 4 months. Maybe he’s waiting for his contract to kick in?

Now you know me, I’m all about the phone foreplay. I love my blackberry and my service provider loves me for my commitment to their profit margin. So when a guy won’t commit to a contract what are the chances that he’ll commit to me? I’m not asking for 18 months you know. Just long enough for a chapter in his autobiography, half his assets or a really good holiday. So from now on its no to pay as you go. A girl’s got to put her stiletto down.

OR, maybe I should just avoid Waterloo…..?

© Chelsea Black


Hold it in

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS, Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , , ,

Hello. Just another column to make sure you are still out there.

If you recognise you, sorry!!

So I have a new theory on getting a man that’s so simple even I can follow it. As soon as you spot a potential SLS (shag/life partner/ sperm donor) do not leave him unattended for a second. EVER. Especially with your friends. I don’t care that you need to pee. HOLD IT IN. You’re really thirsty? Tough cookie, send a friend to the bar. Or that your make up needs attention. No girl should be wearing that much MAC anyway. (Yes you!)

One night I had just announced my latest romance to everyone. The signs were good. Physical attraction, all day communication and he had even mentioned the C word first. Yep, that’s right, Children! I in turn didn’t mention that I had their names picked out and was actively looking at wedding dresses and schools. See, it was the perfect relationship.

So a group of us met up in Moonlighting, Soho (don’t ask) and my good friend warned me to tread cautiously. At the time I was grateful because it’s nice when someone else has your back.

A few weeks later at Brown Sugar and the dynamics had shifted. I’m left watching their intense sexual chemistry wondering what I’m going to do with those hastily purchased wedding expo tickets. I cursed the night I let them catch the night bus together. So you see, the only back she was interested in was hers and getting on it. Meow.

Then on a recent group holiday to Rome I bumped into this guy outside a bar, Anima. He was THE best person to explore the nightlife in Rome. A real bar-fly just like yours truly. Well that was it my precious, I was hooked. I introduced him to the rest of the group (mistake numero uno) and got my flirt on. But then, the club got fuller and afraid of the dreaded glisten/sweat natural hair effect I rushed to the busy bar to get some water (mistake numero due). 20 minutes later I stumble back only slightly refreshed to find him slow dancing with my friend to the latest Justin Timberlake club track. I hate JT. I was left chatting to the strange friend obsessed with pizza making techniques. I asked if he’d ever heard of Dominos. As an Italian he didnt seem to get Pizza irony.

At our age, be sure that whomever it is you have your eye on, your friends will have spotted them too. Yes, your shy, quiet girlfriend who is supposedly still into her ex is now your potential SLS’s girlfriend. Oh, they will plead their innocence as they are walking down the aisle. And you? You’re the bridesmaid with the too bright smile or the godmother to a child that screams when you hold her because she knows what really went down that night.

So my theory is simple; it’s about who can hold it in the longest. So flex THOSE muscles my precious. You never know, it might just help you keep him too 😉

© Chelsea Black

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