Categotry Archives: DATING TIPS

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Thank You Guys…

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Randoms, Read More, Tags: , , , , , , ,

So I know I write a lot about the dodgy men I date, almost date or run screaming from but as Thanksgiving looms I want to thank all of the men that help keep hope alive. Fewer, yes but (almost) more precious than a Tiffany pink diamond bauble ring.

One ex-boyfriend negotiated for my favourite Paella dish on the last day of my holiday despite it not being on the menu. Yes, yes he cheated on me, lied incessantly and ended it by telling me that he couldn’t love me in the way that I deserved to be loved but, for that meal, I felt truly loved.

And then there was the one who went skiing with 9 of his best friends and thought to buy me a warm ski top. I hate being cold. He scored points on 1. Getting my size right 2 choosing the right colour 3. Buying a gift that weren’t guilt flowers. I wore that ski top every time I was at his place. His hints for an orgy with his 9 best friends meant I had to ski off but escaped with the much loved top.

Then there was the one who used to pick me up when I got tipsy and horny. He lived in the depths of Sarf London and yet he would still fetch me at silly O’clock. He admitted that he didn’t like me much as a person and gave me chlamydia but at the end of the day, or night, I knew he cared.

Then there is the youngster who just loved taking photos of me. True, it was only one part of my body he was interested in but I quickly learned to love that asset too. A budding photographer you ask? Er, no he worked for Fitness First. And he was more than happy to show off that free gym membership body.

But most of all I love all of those men I am proud to call my friend. When my female friends ask where all the good black men are I think HELLO!!! There are PLENTY of them. Like the one who helped organised the black male stripper for my last annivorcary party. A big thanks from all the ladies. Another one bought me a gorgeous bright pink scarf in Budapest as it reminded him of me. Or my Dubai based friend who always makes time for a catch up brunch at Bluebird and listens to my crazy tales despite being a “traditional African man” Or the one who sends me helpful links for all of my ventures. And most recently, the one who got me Take That tickets. I love you all and you keep me sane.

So, no one is perfect (except me and all of you) but there are a lot of men out there with the potential to love my precious. As we creep closer to the end of 2010 let’s give thanks for them

© Chelsea Black

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The Internet Dating Game

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS, Misadventures, Read More

So despite my best efforts to avoid it, my overly involved mother wants grandkids. I tried to float the sperm bank idea again but amazingly she wasn’t for it and wants a man she could get to do things ’round her house. I don’t think they teach DIY basics at university.

I reluctantly agree to the following:

  1. A different internet dating site every month for 6 months
  2. A commitment to at least 4 leads a month
  3. Being nicer to men. (I negotiated hard on this one but she gave me the mum look and….well, you know!)
  4. That I wouldn’t waste my time on anyone who had any attributes that were are deal breakers just for casual sex.
  5. That I would lower my standards on the financial security, looks and er cock size. (I agreed to a minimum of 7 inches. The mum look didn’t work this time )

Armed with the rules my search commenced but quickly I realised that there were some MALE rules on internet dating I had to reacquaint myself with to play and win.

My pet peeve are those that obviously play the numbers games. My profile is strict (yes I said it) about race, location, income (yes I SAID it), kids and marital status. So it is unclear to me why 50 somethings from France and the Netherlands, always the Netherlands are contacting me? Then I realised that for many of them it’s not personal. They are the same guys who tick YES to all of the women at speed dating. They haven’t read my painstakingly penned personal profile. Worse are those that think they are smart and send a template email . Words like Sexy, Gorgeous, Baby, Hun get thrown around with careless abandon in an attempt to capture all.

Which leads me onto the Visa hunters “Hello beautiful lady. I loved your profile we have so much in common and I’m sure when I finally get my visa we will make beautiful music together. Do you live alone and are you looking to meet a younger Turk/Nigerian/ Gambian/ [insert nationality here]? Who will love you”  Let’s be clear here. If he doesn’t live within the M25 and preferably within zone 2 there is little chance of us meeting. I have mum made targets to meet and a quick trip to Cyprus, Kent or Lagos will slow me down. Plus the assumption all western women have money is redundant. I’m black therefore I have a family and hair salon bills that ensure I’ve never got extra cash to splash out.

My English isn’t flawless bt I cnt stnd tri-ng 2 desifer txt spk. It makes my head hurt. I question anyone over 25 who genuinely believes that this is a language with which to romance the ladies. To me it’s the social equivalent of someone turning up to a job interview in a Girls Aloud t-shirt and ripped jeans. Not on my watch buddy. Girls Aloud are shit.

Then there are the estate agent-like terms we need to understand:

CURRENTLY SEPARATED means still married and living with the wife and having sex. I don’t care what they say about financial reasons. If they happen to have a studio or pied a terre somewhere else check the fridge for signs of him actually living there. Chances are the out of date strawberries and half bottle of vino are from the last unsuspecting woman he brought over. Ask yourself; in the middle of a divorce would you really be looking to get involved in something else apart from sex?

If he is DIVORCED ask him for how long. If there is a bitter tone as he mutters 5 years ago then girlfriend RUN, he’s still in the post marriage misogynistic stage of angry ****ing every woman he meets. Of course if you like it a little rough then stick around for the action….then RUN!!! Oh and if it’s less than 3 months then the rebound sex will be amazing but unless you’re a life coach, you’ve guessed it…run Flo Jo RUN.

Now this could just be me but some men seem to think that WIDOWED means ‘she’s living in a village in another country or Essex with my kids and I send money’. Not dead. So best check the details of said death quickly.

SINGLE is another one that men get wrong. It can mean has a girlfriend who hasn’t cottoned on that despite his twice weekly night classes his Spanish is still crap. I was chatting to one guy who told me his girlfriend was lying on the couch with her head in his lap as he emailed me. This wasn’t the turn on he thought it would be.

A quick glossary for your benefit include:

ADVENTUROUS – he wants to try a threesome

LIBERAL MINDED – he wants to try a threesome but only with 2 girls and him

FREE SPIRIT – he wants a threesome with 2 guys and they’ve already discussed how they will avoid eye contact and the ball brushing.

RELAXED / EASY GOING / LAID BACK – he got no money / he likes the weed

LOYAL –no matter how many times he cheats he’ll never leave you

HONEST – he lies when he knows he can get away with it

WELL BUILT – used to play rugby 15 years ago. Now his only tackles happen when he can persuade someone to come home with him

ENTREPRENREURIAL – You’ll be paying for dinner

NON CONFORMIST – Anal sex is his raison d’etre. Keep your back to the wall

I’m in month 2 of said adventure my precious and this week I thought I had a delicious date with a BW (Banker wanker). I told him that I wasn’t in the market for a Fuck Buddy though and it’s all gone eerily silent…..I’m guessing that wasn’t the right answer?

Happy hunting to all of my virtual comrades. Stay strong

 

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The Search is On

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS, Read More

So after my many attempts to avoid it my precious I too have succumbed to the somewhat soul destroying pursuit of ……internet dating

Oh I know I’ve done it before but I got fed up with African students or the European 50somethings that clearly had a black girl fetish (who wouldn’t). There is something about Dutch and Scandinavian men online that I just don’t trust. But this time my precious, this time is gong to be different because this time I have one essential ingredient I’m looking for …..SPERM

What you cry, with all the dating and intimate encounters I have and not a potential daddy in sight? Well you will be surprised to hear that I had a plan so fool proof that even I couldn’t mess it up.

I started off with the obvious solution to my getting older/ men are evil plan: The ex hubby. At first he was on board although he may have thought that it would get me to agree to a divorce more quickly. Oooh I sold it my precious. The turkey baster, access every other weekend and proof that not only was our marriage not a complete waste of time but his little soldiers weren’t drunken swimmers like their daddy. All was going swimmingly until HE discovered speed dating. 3 events and one puppy eyed 20something blonde later and he rescinded the offer. His parting words. “How would I explain it all to my mother?” His mother was a nurse. I’m sure she would get it.

Next were my 2 best friends from university. One immediately declared his love for me but pointed out the obvious. With his huge head and my larger than average butt the child would not only suffer life long ridicule but potentially may never be able to balance properly. The other friend was more keen than I was until the men in white coats came and took him away. Turns out the voices in his head are my fault and our kids would have grown up to rule the world. Hmmmm…….

But as you know I’m nothing if not determined. A few months ago I met a new ‘friend’ who surprisingly raised the issue of kids on our third ‘date’. He was so keen as to say that if I did get pregnant he would be happy to take the baby and I didn’t need to have anything to do with it. From then on I invested in my own condoms because there is nothing scarier to a desperate woman than a desperate man.

Foolproof huh? So I am back on the internet on a different sort of mission. A girl my age can’t afford not to have a plan. The world of internet dating for sperm seems exciting but if I’m honest its déjà vu. Lots of African students and Scandinavian 50somethings. Is this really my destiny?

Wish me luck my precious. I will let you know how it goes.

© Chelsea Black

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