Categotry Archives: DATING TIPS


My 3 Tinder Golden Rules

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Categories: 40DayDating, DATING, DATING TIPS, Misadventures, Tags: , ,

3 Tinder Golden Rules

Ok so it has been a hell of a dating ride. When I set up this #40daydating challenge I thought to myself that I wasn’t going to get more than 10 days and I’ve already had 7 (yeah I left when Hot Gym Dude was late but, it counts. I was at the agreed spot at the agreed time)

But then after the initial exhilaration over my dating success (Some of my precious American readers please note sarcasm and insert here) I realised that I’d have to work smarter if I was going to meet anyone worthy of taking beyond the 40daydating threshold into happily ever summer. This wasn’t going to be easy! So I sat down on my rest day and focused on what had gone wrong and what was going right. This was a relatively quick process because there was so little right so far that I only needed to focus on the wrong. And there were so many Mr Wrongs!



Oh my days this is a bug bear! I’m an eighth German and that eighth is punctuality! I’m not built for winter or British. I’m too curvy dresses and leggings for that shit. Stop your foolishness.

We had the one who had just reached home 10 minutes before our date time (8.30)  and took an hour to get there. He couldn’t tell me before I left my house? He had to wait until 8.20? How did he think I was going to get to the meetup on time? Oh he didn’t because I think he assumed we would both be late

The one who was 84 minutes late to a gig which started at 8. Luckily I was in the warmth and listening to good music (Thanks SofarSounds) but, I don’t get it. The only thing he was bothered about was that I saved him a beer. I think this was code for, I’m not spending a penny. More on him another time.

Then the Dad who was 30 minutes late because he couldn’t find parking at 7pm. In SW London on a Monday ? You are a liar.

Finally and most distressingly because I was actually looking forward to it was Hot Gym Dude who, after 15 minutes wait outside Clapham junction hadn’t called. Then he told me 10. Then he told me 5 (30 minutes later). Then finally he said, “Mi reach” but I’d gone. 49 minutes is not the one. Not even the promise of those biceps could keep me on that street a minute longer. Just say you couldn’t get away from your woman and let it go.

So the rules are simple. I don’t meet anyone at a station or on the street again. I am not a prostitute and there are plenty of bars and coffee shops in London. I will only wait 20 minutes for a date, 30 if you’re cute and given such good banter that I’m already naming our babies in my head. Kidding. I chose all of my babies’ names 20 years ago. 



Remember when we were in a recession and nobody wanted to put their money on the table? When going to dinner was going to Nandos every single time? When guys used to tell you that they had just eaten whether it was 6,7,8,9,10pm?  Then they looked longingly at your food and stole your chips?

Yes, we are back here again. Which is not a problem. It’s good that people are being careful with their money and I don’t need a man to splash the cash on me. That said I’m really not ready to splash the cash on them either I get that they have child support and rent to pay but, so do I. My child support consists of books, clothes and music. Feeding my inner child. So far I’ve had:

Cheeky coffee one, “I know you don’t want me to contribute do ya? You’ve got this. I only had a coffee” and half my chips!

Nandos, “babe, you got change?”

The Heineken who said nothing but then tried to come home with me and said he had cab money to get himself home

And the dude who told me that he was trying to save for a property so, er, yeah. Money be tight. The bill was £21.

This role reversal thing is not cute and I’ve decided I’m going to make it clear before confirming that, I’ll happily pay for myself but expect the same from them. I’m not here to sponsor people and their lifestyles. I’m going to get a t-shirt which tells them so. “Nah Fam, I’m not the one!”  

So Rule 2 is to stop paying for dates. I am sure that HMRC won’t let me write them off as business expenses.


Trusting my gut

It’s ok to be an optimist and give the benefit of the doubt but Maxine Saj, my budda belly is rarely ever wrong about men. Food, not so much but, men? Men she knows.

So why when I can see that they’re not communicating well (ie at normal times) or they’re too aggressive or their typos are more basic primary school grammar am I still going out on dates? I seriously don’t have time for this. Yes, the magazine and society has told us not to aim too high when it comes to men because men have the power and a lot of choice and are Neanderthals etc but this has gotten to a point where basic respect is missing.

The last and best rule is to trust my gut. It has never ever steering me wrong. Except for that chicken. Why is it always chicken??

Hopefully the rest of the challenge will be less dramatic. I just don’t think the wasteman to decent man ratio on Tinder and POF should be ignored. There are a lot of frogs out there. I’ll just try not to hang out with all of them.  

© Chelsea Black 2016



5 Dating Ditches for 2016 pt 1

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Categories: DATING TIPS


As it’s still technically the first week of the new year I’m allowed. Now, every year is going to be THE year in a singletinis calendar. And that’s not inaccurate as every year is a year closer to meeting someone you can tolerate for more than 5 days of a week. I can’t tolerate most of my colleagues so any man I deem worthy of seeing every day is a special man indeed.  (To Be Determined)

But whilst you may rely on fate to bring your soulmate to you there are some practical tools you can use too. I know some of these will be radical for some of you but, let’s give it a go.

1)      Ditch the online dating sites .
Go out and actually meet new people without having a prefilled checklist. This is because men (and increase numbers of women) lie about everything on there. Of course I’m going to put that I like wine and travel even though by travel I mean that I cross London and the only wine I know is Champagne. Don’t assume that you know the person just because they’ve filled out a profile. I’ve filled out profiles for friends and they’re nothing like the way I make them sound.
2)      Ditch the apps.
Get a hobby. I don’t trust anything which only asks you to swipe to engage. It’s too accessible and cheap which means, increased number of creeps and married guys on there. You have been warned.
3)      Ditch the whining.
Yes, it’s harder to date in the internet age where men have way too much choice but you don’t want to be that bad first date that only talks about how bad the dating scene is. Of course it’s bad. This is guerrilla warfare time. The fight requires stealth and cunning.
4)      Ditch the diet.
I can’t with dating and dieting. No man understands your food intolerances straight away. So order that one thing that you can eat and don’t explain how your acid reflux and your IBS fight each other and you end up with trapped wind and terrible stomach cramps.  Apparently this isn’t sexy.
5)      Ditch the frenemies.  

I know it’s hard to go out there by yourself and mingle. But, dragging along that one bitter friend who is more likely to block than wing woman is not the one. Yes, I get it, all of your close friends are married or with their kids so can’t rave hard with you anymore. It’s an effing pain but, if you don’t trust her with your chocolate stash don’t trust her with a man who isn’t yours yet. wish

I’m going to try these with you and let’s see how we get on. Only 40 days to Valentine’s Day so, here’s hoping things pick up x  

© Chelsea Black 2016


Facebook and relationship status for beginners

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Categories: BLOG, DATING TIPS, Latest

thCAXGC3QHPhilosophical question time. If a relationship isn’t on Facebook does it really exist?

So yesterday I posted a meme which suggested that a sign of a healthy relationship is when you don’t post about it on Facebook. As someone who posts most of my dating disasters on there I can’t help but agree that to some degree keeping the good stuff off there is a positive but surely the negative should be shared for all to laugh with you? And then there are the snide ones that post about it without tagging the other person. I see plenty of passive aggressive status updates towards partners. I don’t take these tiffs seriously and nor should you. It is life!

A guy posted that he was in a relationship with me once. It got lots of likes which got me thinking, is his being in a relationship seen as a miracle in his circle of friends? Apparently so. I mean, we weren’t married. I felt pressured to post my relationship status back which is something I’ve never done. So as it was early days I put ‘it’s complicated’ instead of ‘in a relationship’. This caused problems as it raised more questions than it raised? Why was it complicated? Why was I telling everyone that it was complicated? I thought that it was obviously complicated because we lived on 2 different continents and he was an arse but, that’s not enough. You have to be able to evidence your complication these days and I hadn’t done that to the satisfaction of the Facebook Jury.

Yes it makes sense not to have fights on Facebook or air your dirty laundry but, Facebook has become a place where we share our feethCALELOFYlings and thoughts with virtual friends who will judge us then sympthise with our situation . It’s meant to be a safe space for one to vent. Difficult when the object of your disgruntlement is watching everything you post for a clue into your mood. Here’s a clue dudes, pick up the phone and ask her. Yes there is a chance you may get shouted at but, them’s the breaks when you messed up. Take it like a man

And of course this whole blog assumes that the woman is the injured party and that the man messed up because I’m in a heteronormative blame him mood.

My Facebook rules are simple:

  1. Don’t be friends on Facebook with your partner unless you are living together or official in the real world. Otherwise it’s just stalking lite.
  2. Declare your status. Especially if you are part of the dick pic inbox set. You need to be telling people that you’re married. We already got that you’re an idiot from the dick pic.
  3. Don’t declare too soon. I say wait until you’ve been introduced to his mother and kids. Before then you are technically just hanging out.
  4. Deliberate before you change that relationship status. Is he Relationship status worthy
  5. Dick backup. Do you want to piss off your backup crew? If not, say nothing until you are sure. Winter is coming. Don’t be left out in the virtual cold.
  6. Don’t dish the dirt using names or during the time of the disgruntlement. Wait until it’s over then you can have a go
  7. Discretion is key. Nobody wants to know that dating you means their life will be on blast. Why do you think my blog is anonymous. I need to protect the guilty.
  8. Don’t post in anger. Deleting the post isn’t enough. We have long memories.

© Chelsea Black

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