So despite my best efforts to avoid it, my overly involved mother wants grandkids. I tried to float the sperm bank idea again but amazingly she wasn’t for it and wants a man she could get to do things ’round her house. I don’t think they teach DIY basics at university.

I reluctantly agree to the following:

  1. A different internet dating site every month for 6 months
  2. A commitment to at least 4 leads a month
  3. Being nicer to men. (I negotiated hard on this one but she gave me the mum look and….well, you know!)
  4. That I wouldn’t waste my time on anyone who had any attributes that were are deal breakers just for casual sex.
  5. That I would lower my standards on the financial security, looks and er cock size. (I agreed to a minimum of 7 inches. The mum look didn’t work this time )

Armed with the rules my search commenced but quickly I realised that there were some MALE rules on internet dating I had to reacquaint myself with to play and win.

My pet peeve are those that obviously play the numbers games. My profile is strict (yes I said it) about race, location, income (yes I SAID it), kids and marital status. So it is unclear to me why 50 somethings from France and the Netherlands, always the Netherlands are contacting me? Then I realised that for many of them it’s not personal. They are the same guys who tick YES to all of the women at speed dating. They haven’t read my painstakingly penned personal profile. Worse are those that think they are smart and send a template email . Words like Sexy, Gorgeous, Baby, Hun get thrown around with careless abandon in an attempt to capture all.

Which leads me onto the Visa hunters “Hello beautiful lady. I loved your profile we have so much in common and I’m sure when I finally get my visa we will make beautiful music together. Do you live alone and are you looking to meet a younger Turk/Nigerian/ Gambian/ [insert nationality here]? Who will love you”  Let’s be clear here. If he doesn’t live within the M25 and preferably within zone 2 there is little chance of us meeting. I have mum made targets to meet and a quick trip to Cyprus, Kent or Lagos will slow me down. Plus the assumption all western women have money is redundant. I’m black therefore I have a family and hair salon bills that ensure I’ve never got extra cash to splash out.

My English isn’t flawless bt I cnt stnd tri-ng 2 desifer txt spk. It makes my head hurt. I question anyone over 25 who genuinely believes that this is a language with which to romance the ladies. To me it’s the social equivalent of someone turning up to a job interview in a Girls Aloud t-shirt and ripped jeans. Not on my watch buddy. Girls Aloud are shit.

Then there are the estate agent-like terms we need to understand:

CURRENTLY SEPARATED means still married and living with the wife and having sex. I don’t care what they say about financial reasons. If they happen to have a studio or pied a terre somewhere else check the fridge for signs of him actually living there. Chances are the out of date strawberries and half bottle of vino are from the last unsuspecting woman he brought over. Ask yourself; in the middle of a divorce would you really be looking to get involved in something else apart from sex?

If he is DIVORCED ask him for how long. If there is a bitter tone as he mutters 5 years ago then girlfriend RUN, he’s still in the post marriage misogynistic stage of angry ****ing every woman he meets. Of course if you like it a little rough then stick around for the action….then RUN!!! Oh and if it’s less than 3 months then the rebound sex will be amazing but unless you’re a life coach, you’ve guessed it…run Flo Jo RUN.

Now this could just be me but some men seem to think that WIDOWED means ‘she’s living in a village in another country or Essex with my kids and I send money’. Not dead. So best check the details of said death quickly.

SINGLE is another one that men get wrong. It can mean has a girlfriend who hasn’t cottoned on that despite his twice weekly night classes his Spanish is still crap. I was chatting to one guy who told me his girlfriend was lying on the couch with her head in his lap as he emailed me. This wasn’t the turn on he thought it would be.

A quick glossary for your benefit include:

ADVENTUROUS – he wants to try a threesome

LIBERAL MINDED – he wants to try a threesome but only with 2 girls and him

FREE SPIRIT – he wants a threesome with 2 guys and they’ve already discussed how they will avoid eye contact and the ball brushing.

RELAXED / EASY GOING / LAID BACK – he got no money / he likes the weed

LOYAL –no matter how many times he cheats he’ll never leave you

HONEST – he lies when he knows he can get away with it

WELL BUILT – used to play rugby 15 years ago. Now his only tackles happen when he can persuade someone to come home with him

ENTREPRENREURIAL – You’ll be paying for dinner

NON CONFORMIST – Anal sex is his raison d’etre. Keep your back to the wall

I’m in month 2 of said adventure my precious and this week I thought I had a delicious date with a BW (Banker wanker). I told him that I wasn’t in the market for a Fuck Buddy though and it’s all gone eerily silent…..I’m guessing that wasn’t the right answer?

Happy hunting to all of my virtual comrades. Stay strong