Categotry Archives: DATING

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My Beach Bond Moment in Barbados

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Travel, Tags: ,

So for my birthday (I have three but that’s a whole other blog) I decided that I needed some beach bikini and promptly took myself off to Barbados. My friends told me to take condoms and make up etc in case this was my ‘Stella Got Her Groove Back’ moment but I’d already had that and to be honest I didn’t really have Bond on beach fantasy. I just wanted to work on my vitamin d and catch up on some much needed sleep

I arrived in the afternoon and it felt like I was being kissed and hugged by the sun and heat. As allergic as I am to the cold I’m quite literally addicted to the heat. It completes me. I was promptly whisked off to the resort and it was lovely. I made the mistake of partaking in their welcome rum punch and fell asleep on my bal

cony over looking the sea. This was heaven.

The next day I dug out my honeymoon

Bond moment Barbados

bikini and, it fit! I got up early (I’m an eight German so have an inbuilt need to grab a lounger early. I’d been spying on the beach since 6am) and sauntered down to my lounger. Bar staff came to take orders so you never ha

d to go in. The wifi even worked as I was so close to the hotel.

A few hour later and I saw someone bobbing along the sea. Ignoring him I went back to a facebook argument about one of the KarKrash family I think. Then I saw the bob emerge from the sea.

Now, in terms of female fantasies there have only been two sea scenes to reference. The first is Daniel Craig in every sing Bond movie I think. The second is Tom Cruise in some movie where their plane crashed and he emerged and you realised that Tom was now not the hot thing of yesteryear. He was giving serious Daddy hotness not sexy hotness.

Well, this was worse. Firstly he had moobs. His bra size would definitely be bigger than mine and I’m a small D cup. Secondly he looked like he’d eaten Nemo. And why was he walking towards me like we knew each other? Oh fuck! A beach fuckboi opportunist. Was Idris or Omari Hardwick busy?

He did indeed come over and start chatting me up. Why? I blame the honeymoon bikini and the lack of any other black women on the beach. Turns out he was a grandfather of 5, in his 50s, semi retired and way too chatty. I hadn’t even had my second smoothie of the day.

I tried to be reserved and unengaging but, he was nigistent in his approach and insisted on exchanging details. I gave him my messenger. He eventually left and I promptly slagged him off on facebook before remembering that my profile is public. Did he see it? I felt bad but then thought, hold on, this is my holiday. How dare he think it’s ok to impose his mooby self on it. I thought I had escaped that sort of nonsense when I got on the Virgin flight at Gatwick. Quick shout out to Virgin  on the gluten f

ree meal by the way. Not so much on the way back but you killed it on the way out.

Anyway he insisted on taking me out on my birthday. I guess he hadn’t read the post. We walked around the west side of the island and he showed me his primary school and then said we should go to his cousin’s house. Er, does this fool think I’ve never seen an episode of Oprah? You never ever let them take you to a second location. Yes, judging from his flip flopped feet and belly I could outrun him but, CSI Miami was about to start and I had to make a decision. I chose Miami.

Needless to say I probably wasn’t in any danger at all but, I didn’t want to become some unknown tourist who disappeared in the middle of the night who wrote ‘moobs’ in the sand as a clue to the police. Nah, this was no Bond moment.

© Chelsea Black 2017 #BikiniBirthday #BimBreak

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Why friendzoning is bad

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS

guys friendzoning themselves

friendzone

 

I know the title may seem like clickbait but we need to talk about the dangers of friend zoning. Being friends with a person who just wants to bang you at any moment of vulnerability is not the one. There’s an arrogance to being a perpetrator. Like you know better than them that you are their perfect partner even though you aren’t being honest in your intentions? Maybe so but if they’re not seeing it it’s time to exit stage left. Or you think you are owed something for all the time, effort and energy you put in? Transactional much? Be facebook friends and keep it civil but stop pushing your agenda on someone’s life. Rant over

Firstly friendzoning is a two way street. I’m going to assume it’s a man who is more into the woman in this blog but as we know it can work either way. It’s not a game. I don’t advocate making people jealous or faking niceness but I do think you should tell the person how you feel.  A true friendship is about honesty and not using others without their explicit permission.

Ladies

Learn to say no. You don’t need to have a harem of male friends who fawn over your every life moment and are there for you when the guy you don’t want is with the woman he does. I’m not saying don’t have male friends but stop choosing male friends whom you know fancy you and are just waiting on a chance to fuck. Is it a power trip? Do you enjoy the attention? Might I suggest a pet like a kitten or a puppy? Actually, no not a kitten. It’s a slippery slope from that to non pvc wearing cat woman.

And guys,

Accept her no and move on. Don’t hang about waiting for her to get drunk or cry on your shoulder over the next guy who doesn’t love her then you can slip her some comfort D. She’s not that stupid that she can’t see through your bullshit. She’s just drunk. Or vulnerable. Neither is the start of an amazing love affair. She’s going to resent you in the morning. Pity / begging sex won’t last either.

Statistically I would say that the conversion from friendzone to accidental fuck can be high but to partner? Very low. You’ve spent the first however many weeks/ months/ years not being honest so, how is that a basis for a relationship?

I had a guy friendzone me for 10 months. The problem is that he made me feel that he was soooo close to being ready for a relationship. Turns out he was always ready just, not with me? And there are the bipolar friendzones where it flits between relationship and friendship but they always pull the official, ‘I don’t owe you any emotional responsibility card’ when it suits them. A dangerous breed indeed. Steer clear!

I’m making an anti friendzone stand and need your help. If you are residing in a friendzone then, get out. Just end the friendship. It’s not real anyway. If you are the recipient of the friendzone then, let them go, I beg. There are too few people out there wanting a relationship. Let them go find someone who will love them back. Nobody owes you anything for the time, money, effort you’ve put in. Nobody.

And if you are just into playing games then, well fuck you, stop. It’s so not fun for anyone else .

© Chelsea Black

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The Wasteman Resurrection

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Categories: Baking, Misadventures

My Wasteman Carrot Cake Cupcakes

So this is a Baking Diairies and a Wasteman woes of old. When an ex crosses your present path. To recap: It’s 8pm on the last day of the long weekend and I’ve promised Slave Owner cakes. He wants healthy to go with his never decreasing waistline so I’ve done banana bread and carrot cake except, yesterday I had a cooked brekkie and ate some eggs so I’m eggless!

I look online and Waitrose Kings Road is supposed to be open but, bank holiday. If I go to Waitrose I don’t have to faff on the snack front so I can be in and out in like,  5 minutes. A record for me. I sling on my winter coat which never actually gets put away, my sparkly uggs and pop my headphones in as I march up the Kings Road. It’s more of a dance, waddle , march as I’m listening to the new MATM album and fantasisting about scoring a winning goal. Whole other story for another time.

As I pass Bluebird I hear someone call my name like I owe them money so, I keep walking. I also can’t see very well at night so although I can make out a black guy on the other side I have no idea who it is.

Turns out it’s this dude I went on one date with years ago who then got arsey when I didn’t put out and went on about all the money he had spent on a Marco Pierre White meal? This was way before I knew who Marco Pierre White was so, totally wasted on my Nandos level self. Besides the food was heavy and pretentious and left me uncomfortable, as did he. He also lied unnecessarily

He lied about being a banker (he worked in finance) and living in the City (more Bethnal Green) and spoke with a pretentious British accent which belied his 30 odd years in a naija village. Any hoo we weren’t friends. Why was he calling me so hard? I had heavy thoughts on my head like, what time did Waitrose close? Did the winning goal celebration constitute a shirt off moment? How had I left my house without earrings on?

Turns out he needed to see me at that particular moment because he had a new girlfriend and wanted to rub it in. Honestly? She’s cute. He’s punching above his weight. But I didn’t need the smug look of glee as he told me that the reason he hadn’t been around was because she was taking up all his time now. Dude, I haven’t seen you in over a year! Nobody is blowing up your phone wondering where the fuck you are! See earlier heavy subjects weighing my head.

He tells me how he’s trying to get her to move to Shoreditch. I look confused and ask him if he’s moved from his flat in Bethnal Green? He mumbles something about needing to be in a creative space. I mumble in y head about needing to create more wasteman lies. We both smile snark at each other. Why are we doing this again? Oh yes, so he can gloat.

I told them I was in the middle of a baking emergency and needed to get to Waitrose. Cutey pipes in with, ‘Oh, is it open?’ Ok so she’s not that cute. They’re a match . I run off and yes, Waitrose closed at 7pm.

How is this life? And the carrot cake cupcakes don’t like right. Too gloopy, too dark, too sinsister with the cinnamon. Kind of like him. Oh well, I’ll always have banana bread.

© Chelsea Black 2017

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