Categotry Archives: BLOG

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#metoo

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Categories: BLOG

#RandomThought   Me If I was a famous man I would just put my hands up and say I’ve been a dick before all of the women I’ve ever met start telling truths about me. I would write an apology outlining how I didn’t know about equality and not abusing my position of penis and why I only know now that I have a daughter, loving partner and brand I want to protect stroke I don’t want to ruin. I would state that yes, indeed since 2017 or the birth of my recognition that women ain’t taking that shit anymore have changed into someone who will be about to keep my dick and hands to myself.

Whilst I will struggle with this daily I will probably just groom the more vulnerable of women who aren’t likely to get a backbone thereby being an even bigger dick but my contribution to a charity or event will mean the public think otherwise. I would PR the hell out of this and resign / retire from whatever it is I do because I know my brothers in perv have me covered. My money will not suffer.

This all assumes I’m a heterosexual dick however. If I’m gay I’m not saying shit until I’m called out. You lot are going to have to call me out! I’m hoping at that point I will be able to use the internal angst of my sexuality battle and coming out as an excuse. I will misalign all of the then young men as money grabbing opportunists who want to use me to get work done now that they are old.

I will claim that my presence in a gay bar / club was merely research for a song / role. I will vilify the media for persecuting me as a gay man. I will probably get married to a man to prove that those heady days of grabbing by the penis are over and I am reformed. I will donate to gay charities and throw lavish fund raising events.

These both assume that I’m white. If I’m not white then I will say nothing. I will claim that the women (because I can’t be very black and gay really? Well not a lot) or men are trying to bring our people down with their malicious lies. They’re doing drugs.  I will claim they don’t understand the business and that this is why they aren’t successful. My boys will say they didn’t see anything as I pay their wages.

I will claim she liked being passed around the group and this was not videod They didn’t have the right work ethic or attitude to make it. I will call them out for not being attractive and being ghetto even if they are from the suburbs and aren’t attractive. I will make sure that my army of twitter trolls pours venom on them all the time, every day until they have to delete their account. I will continue doing what the fuck I like with other people’s bodies because I am a hero in my community and you all belong to me.

I will Bill Cosby/ R Kelly / Tyrese the hell out of this and attack the victims at every turn. . I will not lose any of my power or status. Unless it’s with a white woman then I’m kinda fucked. B*cky power means they have not only cornered the market in being harassed but they have commandeered #MeToo and white power will protect them from the savage African penis which….well you know the deal. Penis envy. size matters blah blah blah

Eish……Sorry Seal. Anyone know where Tiger is?  https://media.giphy.com/media/Ro1mO…

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archive revisted winter warmer blues

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Categories: BLOG, Misadventures

Now as we all now summer is the ultimate in finding the WW. Yes my precious the Winter Warmer. The guy we don’t mind sharing the duvet with because we know that a) body warmth in the UK means cheaper fuel bills and b) chances are he will be gone as soon as the snow drops and daffodils start to blossom. The perfect solution to a seasonal need.

 

So this was the summer in which I surely couldn’t go wrong. World cup years means men from all over the world joined in holy drinking, analysis and flat screen TVs in pubs. If ever I was going to score it was going to be 2010.

 

So where to start? Mr Bromley, left over from last winter was an obvious choice and as if the universe agreed I bumped into him. We set a date then he ruined it by saying he had forgotten howto get to my flat. Yes to be fair the thought of yours truly travelling to Bromley didn’t appeal but what made him think he could pick up where he left off 6 months back without so much as a Nandos first? A hearty meal is an essential winter warmer’s responsibility!

 

Then there was my perfect on paper Mr Banker Winker. That’s not a typo. He winked at me for days online. He owns his own house, spoke 3 languages, worked out every day and declared himself ready for a temporary to permanent arrangement. I was almost sold. We then spoke on the phone and one of his first questions was “So……are you adventurous?” I started telling him about the time me and my friends broke into the men’s toilets in a church hall when I was in the Brownies. I don’t think these were the sorts of adventures he was referring to. He ended the call with a fantasy he had for me where I would get a massage from his hot Brazilian friend (his words not mine) as foreplay. Something tells me he and the Brazilian may have ended up neglected my needs for their own pleasures. Call me old fashioned precious but it’s best to wait until we’ve met before introducing other people into the mix. Then again maybe Winker is a typo.

 

Oh there were others, so many others. One I am sad to say didn’t make the cut as he vehemently hated Take That or any pop band since 1982 which is more than 35% of my iTunes library. Replacing boy bands for one man who doesn’t appreciate the happy of pop? NEXT!!

So as we fall out of Autumn into Winter I find myself stocking up for hibernation. Electric blanket, thermals, PJ jumpsuit – check! At this rate any man I meet this winter may have to battle his way through 3 layers of sleepwear. But like all badly wrapped pressies, it’s well worth tearing open the wrapping on Christmas morning.

Happy hunting!

 

©Chelsea Black

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7 ways to say NO to a date

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Categories: BLOG, DATING, DATING TIPS

The other day I was asked out by a guy who, to put it kindly, is so not my type. A smoking uncle dude with a pregnant for 5 month with twins belly, chronic health problems, bad teeth, 80s Bros-eque jeans and not a lot of personality isn’t what I want right now. You can call me fussy all you want but I dried up immediately at the smell of him and those cheap ciggies. He asked me out and I mumbled some excuse. Then I panicked. I know he’s going to ask me again and I have to be able to think quickly to get out of it. I’ll leave aside the insult that some men don’t think any woman is unattainable. They just need to have a penis and we need to be happy that they want us. Nah Fam, I’m not the one and neither are most of the women I know. So I thought about alternative ways to say no. Let’s begin shall we?

  1. Just say no, no!

Not just the ONLY Grange Hill song to stay in my memory bank but also the easiest way to get out of a date. Easy in terms of you don’t have to make any excuses. However it’s hard as women are raised to be nice and say yes like they’re grateful for being asked? We’re not. A simple, ‘No thank you’ should do it and if he’s a gentleman he will accept this in the spirit that it’s meant. Probably best not to laugh at him or screw up your face whilst you do it no matter how awful the thought of a date is. Be gracious. You can afford to be.  Rejection hurts egos.

  1. Don’t qualify.

He may ask why not. Please be firm and say you don’t have to qualify your why. This is a key part of #1. Once you qualify you get into a dating negotiation and end up going on a date you don’t want to go on to avoid being considered a bitch. Be a bitch! Save yourself and watch crappy TV instead like I did. Thank you channel 5* / 5 USA.

  1. Lie to save their feelings

If it’s online it’s easier to be honest but I understand that some guys aren’t going to take no for an answer and it can get really socially awkward. If you see them socially or at work then you may need to rely on the old, ‘Sorry, I’m seeing someone’ lie. I have at least 3 fake boyfriends at any one time.

Some guys get all, ‘So tell me about him? What does he do?’ and try to get into some competitive bullshit but some will back off because seemingly they don’t respect your feelings or a no but the fear of another dick is real apparently. Use your close male friends as it sounds more believable. Or use your crush. It’s not like you don’t know everything there is to know about him. You’re welcome.

  1. Disappear

Ghosting is the typical fuckboi way. You know the ones: He says it would be really good to meetup / hangout / catch a drink sometime and you say yes but then it never happens so you tentatively ask him when and he, disappears? Often times they reengage then ghost again.  Yes ghosting isn’t just for when you’re in a relationship. It can happen beforehand. If you’re online it’s easier to go ghost. Just go offline. Tricky when they can see your posts or your greenlight on at work but, no, hopefully they’ll get the passive aggressive hint that you’re not into them. Be careful with the ghost though as we don’t like it being done to us and should only be used where he’s proven himself to be a little too nigistent?

 

  1. Delay

Say something like, ‘I’m really busy right now but can I think about it?’ and then disappear. This is basically still a dick male move but, if you really can’t bear to tell him the truth i.e that the thought of being in the same space with him is making you think of throwing yourself back at your narcissistic ex for pity sex then, use it as needed. The delay however does give you time to date others and then you can use 3 without having to lie. Win!

  1. Mansplain

If you are already friends with this person and you feel that you owe them more than just a simple no then, you can mansplain your feelings. This is a thin line one as it can come off as judgemental but if you are 100% that there is no chance in hell that his penis is coming anywhere near your body then be fair and let him go and find lust elsewhere.

  1. Self-deprecate

Play the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ card. This is an old relied upon favourite although if you get yourself one with a saviour complex he’ll tell you that he’s prepared to wait and that he can help you get over your ex or whatever issues you claim to have. I’m not ready is a great starting point.

The key to all of this is that you don’t need to become friends with anyone who has asked you out even if you like them as a person. We are beyond the age of friend zoning grown ups and then expecting them to give us emotional support without any of the physical and relationship benefits. We hate it when they do it to us so my advice? Don’t do it to them. Just. Say. No! (No! Just say no.)

Right, I’m off to watch some repeats of Grange Hill and Zammo snorting heroin off the cloakroom floor.

 

© Chelsea Black 2017

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