Categotry Archives: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide

Plenty of Fish

So I woke up this morning after my Friday night in and there were a few new messages in my plenty of fish inbox. Oooh goody, it’s like having a virtual assistant that works for you in India whilst you sleep. Maybe this time my plenty of fish experience wouldn’t be so bad. I mean it’s for the book so I can justify it as research and not take it so personally when some don’t respond or say something so stupid like “I love black girls.”

But then POF and I broke up years ago. It was after a particularly traumatic conversation with a guy who couldn’t remember that we had spoken before. He then berated me for not keeping in touch and being interested. Huh? Yes I was in conversation with those whose glass is cracked. It’s not easy.

Yes there are plenty of fish but these are fish that either want to devour you or don’t know what they want. I’m glad to see that they now have a sex personals section as I’m tired of saying no, I don’t want you to make an excuse to your wife about working in London. That will mean you will have to stay over and…hold on why am I even considering it!

Then I clicked on the first one. At first I thought it was a picture of his butt. Original if not a little creepy is what I thought but no, as I clicked on his profile I realised it was a shirtless picture of him reclining with the biggest pectoral muscles ever. Hmmmm, this was his profile picture? I wasn’t convinced but maybe the message would sway me that we were indeed a match. I opened it

“u kl?”

This isn’t a message dude it’s a typo. I don’t think I can take much more of this

Next !

© Chelsea Black

A-Sexy: F is for Friday night in OR Why I don’t internet date

So for the sake of some research I’ve been forced to go back to online dating. Trust me this is not something I’m doing willingly. I’m going to have to share my despair.

I signed up filled in all of the BS crap that one has to and uploaded a picture. Surprisingly in a dating recession I got 4 emails back almost immediately.  The photo isn’t that flattering. So here you have them

The 1^st email was from a 5’5 white guy who was clearly obsessed with the gym

Ok I want to explore you ;p

I don’t know what I’m meant to do with this because my desire to conquer him isn’t there. He would fit into my purse, muscles and all.

2^nd email I received was this one. THIS is why I don’t internet date.Oh and the fact that I can’t stand seeing how dire it is on there. Seriously dude? SERIOUSLY!

Hello my name is XXXX how are you doing i was looking on YYYYY and i saw you and thought to my self wow what are you doing on hear i am supprised to see a loving good looking woman on hear like you well i am mixed race i am single i live on my own i do security work i also teach self defences i love movies and some times going out for a drink, love art. so tell me about your self what you like to do were you like to go and whats your fav food are you a sporty person or a fashon well its up to you tell me what do you wont from your man to be.xXx this is my personal email

XXXX@hotmail.co.uk thanks for reading this xXx

I would like to add that XXXX lists some university as his education. How!

He is also an occasional smoker (weed by the picture) who is 41 (read 46) and 5’11 (read 5’7)

The next one I opened said the following: He lives with his partner so of course DVDs at his would not be an option.

I’m a white male,41,5’11,medium build,8″,looking for a female(any race),for nsa meet(s) for sexual fun & games. I can’t accommodate but can/will travel. If you’re interested & after the same get back to me with your details, etc & we can chat. Ask if there’s anything you want to know & i might tell you . Only contact me if you genuinely want to meet. Hope to hear from you soon. If not, good luck .

Is it wrong that I’m just happy that I can read it without wincing at the spelling?

Then I got this one

Wow ..wat a beauty!. Dame u’re cute.. i would love to hook up with u to get to know u , if u don’t mine.pls..i like ur style and ur sweet smile

Even my parents who are invested will tell you that  I’m not a beauty and this is an obvious cut and paste job. He is in his 40s. Way too old to be using this sort of spelling surely. And too lazy to personalise the message?

So research or not I’m still not a fan of internet dating. It is flawed. Let’s find something new please people I implore you.

Bangs head repeatedly on the laptop. Somebody save me from this hell!

© Chelsea Black

A-sexy: E is for Eureka

I have two types of eureka moments. Those that are in the bath and those that are in the sun. As I sit here in my garden fighting with some pretty aggressive unBritish ants I’m having one of those moments.

He’s a lovely guy but he’s not for me. Yes I’ve been saying this to myself since Saturday when I had a dream in which he couldn’t physically lift or carry me. This may have been a guilty chocolate dream as I did have two Twix that day but no, I know that my subconscience was telling me that he will never ever be able to be there for me. You know that footprints in the sand photograph of old, well I would have to be the one carrying him and I don’t see that happening.

Then it came to me. Dating Recessions are a dangerous, dangerous thing because suddenly I think that someone who has a careless disregard for what I want may be an option? I think someone who takes ages to remember I exist is someone I can spend a lifetime with? What is wrong with me! I’m bored enough to seek distractions from men who see me as a distraction. My mistake is trying to turn every idea into a potential business. I must stop investing my own money.

So I’m grateful for this day out in the sun in which I realised that this dating recession has led me to some dark places and none darker than the crush that flirts with you when it suits them but is quick to point out that he can’t offer you more than sex when he’s horny

Yes I’m feeling bitter, get over it. I am. Because he just used me better than I did him.

Now, back to the ants.

© Chelsea Black