Goodbye letter A and hello B.
See you all next week and thank you for all your comments and feedback thus far.
A is for Acrimonious vs Amicable
My last A ties in with my first B. Breakups. When the decision is ours the question for all women is not whether or not you should break up with the person but should it be Acrimonious or Amicable. My rule of thumb is that if he is of no value apart from in the bedroom then it doesn’t even warrant trying to be amicable. If he is really handy with a power drill you may want to keep him around.
Now, for a long time I believed that all relationships had to have amicable endings. We as women are raised to be nice to everybody and give them a second, third and fourth chance because clearly they have issues if they are behaving badly. So I would orchestrate breakups in such a way as to trick myself into believing that surely if I had spent so many hours, days, weeks, months, years with a person there had to be something redeeming about them, right? But sometimes, there really isn’t. An arse is an arse and shouldn’t be called friend or any other name.
So they would give me some BS about the girl who was constantly LOLLing on his twitter and posting raunchy photos was just an old school friend. Dude, you went to an all-boys school. I’ll do anything to avoid the desperate lies.
The problem with the amicable breakup is that it can be abused. Now the person thinks that because you are friends you are there as a free therapist. I listened as a man who could barely get it up regaled me with stories of long nights of lovemaking with his now wife. Or the one who asked me to help him seduce some unsuspecting woman who really was the one. 2 weeks before that was me.
But then last year I had an epiphany. I was never going for a soap drama type breakup ( I always look at the smashed plates and think, who is going to clean up the mess?) but that didn’t mean I had to be nice to the buggers either. Besides, I could use the hours of free counselling to find the next one.
So when I was cancelled on for a poorly dog I told him to go F*ck himself he wouldn’t hear from me again. Or the one guy who thought that I wanted to read and comment on his new book. Er, no! That’s what editors are for. It’s straight into the acrimonious pile for you.
Oh and those guys who casually call 3 weeks to 6 months after a date when they’ve stopped shagging their other options? Lose those digits. Most men can’t multitask without being obvious.
I’m not advocating drama my precious. I know it looks muchos fun and “Waiting to exhale” gave me some great ideas but, we’re too good for that. I’m talking about just saying enough to this crap treatment and I don’t have to be friends with you so that you can feel better about being an arsehole.
Yes that’s it. I think I’m done with the As in the A-Sexy Etiquette Guide. Next week….Bs!!! Can you guess what they are yet?
© Chelsea Black A-Sexy
A is for: Ass vs Arse
This entry is as short as the word. My name is Chelsea and….. I can’t say ass. I can write it but whenever I try to say it my mouth stretches weirdly and I think of Shakespeare or donkey’s. So the words “spank that ass” are not part of my vocabulary. I’m sorry my precious but I’m flawed.
Enter Mr reality porn who was most upset when he kept asking me questions during a session and I wasn’t realistic enough in my responses. The worst crime apparently was my inability to say ass. Instead he would describe things he would want to do to it. I would roll my eyes in boredom and say yeah do it or the worse crime, I would call it an arse. It ruined it for him and made it hard for him to ….be in the moment. This is the weakest excuse I’ve ever heard for him coming and me not but, I understand the male ego is fragile and must be protected by any excuse necessary.
Now, I understand that we all have our fantasies and I’m all for getting into character but, I’m not an actress and my accents are awful. So you say tomayto and I say tomato. Unless you give me a script in advance this isn’t a debatable point. Just be happy that I’m not laughing you out of the room with your dodgy American accent and penchant for keeping on your socks. I hate that!
Happy Dirty Talking
©Chelsea Black A-Sexy