Categotry Archives: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide

A-Sexy B is for Bondage

It’s all about trust. I need to trust that you aren’t going to take this as an opportunity to gag me just to shut me up. I need to trust that you know what you are doing. We need a safe word and you need to have references. I’m bored with amateur BDSMers. Those that think spanking is beats like your parents gave or just use it as an excuse to leave you tied to the bed whilst they play video games. Turning down the sound doesn’t make it any better dude. And they don’t even turn the heating up? Shivering in a teddy is NOT a turn on.

So not being a HUGE fan of bondage (I’m a controlling passive aggressive submissive who knows how I like it. Not the best combination as I assume you’ll be able to figure it out by telepathy) I guess the etiquette rules are pretty basic:

Safe word- Ouch isn’t going to cut it my precious. He’ll think you are getting into character. Think of something else. Kevin Hart uses Pineapple. I would suggest something simpler like “You do that again I’m going to tell your friend you neigh like a horse when you come.” I believe in getting your message across without confusion. Or a colour works just as well. Red for stop?

Rope dopes – Many a time I’ve been late night shopping in Soho (don’t ask. It’s exactly what you think-research) and I’ve spotted the novice couple in High St Sex shops shopping for that Bondage starter kit. I want to scream at them to stop! Guys, did you complete your knot badge in Scouts or Cubs? If not then this isn’t for you. Ladies, do you want your colleagues to glance suspiciously at your wrists and put in confidential concerns to HR? I didn’t think so. So ropes are not the one. Neither are handcuffs (even those kiddie ones you get in Cowboy play sets. Please, I beg, stay out of your kids toy chest). And the less said about tape the better. Waxing isn’t fun when done by a professional. Be kind to your skin. The best ties for beginners are your stockings or nylons. These can be tight enough for restraint but less likely to mark. Not fishnets mind. My favourite would be 10-20 Denier. Anymore and it’s less silky more functional winter work wear. Less sexy

If you have some then silk scarves are fine. But I do remember killing the mood once by spending ages looking for a matching pair. Yes in my mind it was more the visual by which time we were both a bit over it. Even if you’re taking pictures does it really matter? I don’t think anyone is going to notice that one is purple, the other blue.

Blindfolding –it’s meant to increase the sense of touch. If he knows what he’s doing perfect but if he’s a bit of a clumsy oaf you need to have your eyes ready to anticipate a duck and a feign to the right. I don one with extreme caution. His facial expressions as he tried to figure out what he’s going are priceless.

Bed posts-If you have neighbours like mine who complain about every noise then maybe best you don’t get one of those metal railing beds like me. If you were more sensible then it might be best to stick to being bound to a chair. Do not, I repeat do not think that radiators are the way to go. Either they are too hot or too cold and you can’t actually do anything against them. Well, not without your Gymnastics 4 badge. I only got to 3.

Happy Tying!

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

A-Sexy. B is for Breakfast

Which leads me onto breakfast. This is not a mandatory part of my day or the sexual relationship. But if HE wants to reward my efforts with Breakfast in Bed I’m not going to complain. But don’t expect it as part of the package if you are going to hers. This isn’t a B&B.

Firstly chances are if this was an impromptu thing then not everyone will have food to feed 2. I certainly don’t shop for One night stands in mind.  I am always suspicious of women that always have fridges that are full of food that men like such as beer and hearty home cooked meals. Where do you find the time chick! And what’s the point if you’re not in a relationship? This should tell you that she has way too close a relationship with food or that there is a man lurking in the background who pops by unexpectedly.

I know a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but McDonalds do Bagels now which are healthy and delicious without the cleanup. Let’s move with the times. Then there are food intolerances and no nos. I keep meeting men who don’t eat pork. That’s my English Breakfast out then.  I spent a good portion of one day looking for non pork sausages for some youngster who was good enough to inform me that he planned to spend the night. I couldn’t ship him off to work empty stomach and all. But it turns out that many non pork sausages have pork in the casing. I thought about Eggs Benedict but I’ve not mastered Hollandaise Sauce and poached eggs are a recent addiction to my repertoire. So in the end I just cancelled the date. It was becoming too intense!

I had another who lay on my bed looking comatose. I woke up to every woman’s nightmare: A relative stranger in your bed who may or may not be breathing. Sadly he was still alive, just over dramatic. Apparently his hunger had reached such levels he couldn’t move and certainly wasn’t going to give me any more sausage. He hadn’t given me quite enough the night before so I was determined that he would not be leaving without one last poke.

I waddled off to the kitchenette to see what I could rustle up. He thought that Branflakes and Oats were the devil’s food. I mumbled something like “I thought you were hungry?” Any hoo, turns out he didn’t eat pork…so that was the sausages and bacon out, didn’t like tomatoes (they’re slimy) and liked his eggs gooey but with no mucus or burned bits and lots of salt. When he started going through my cupboards looking for bread (something you rarely see at chez CB) and muttering about me not having proper coffee I knew it was time for this dude to GO HOME! No sausage was worth this man in my kitchenette.  Besides he was looking a lot less tasty in the harsh morning light.

My suggestion is  that unless you want to keep him around which chances are you don’t that you find a local café which is open 7 days a week and take them there on the way to the tube or train station. This looks like you are being courteous but really you are kicking them out and getting them to pay to feed you if he’s a gent.  It’s the least he can do after the free Bed he hogged last night.

So if you see a slightly worse for wear black chick sitting silently in Chelsea Bun trying to think of ways to get a smug git to go home come save me my precious. Oh and I’ve switched to Cumberland sausages. Much tastier and filling

Happy breakfasting!

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

A-Sexy B is for Bed

Boris and the Bed.

As I write this I’m on my bed. I spend a lot of time in it, on it and thinking about it whI’m away from it. Like chocolate it is a relationship that can never be broken and has lasted longer than any man. My bed is good to me.

I remember when we first met. Ordered from John Lewis I was stunned to find that it didn’t come assembled or at least with men that made magic happen. But no, the delivery man told me that it would take a couple of hours at most for me to assemble the bed. Half a day later and close to tears I was finally able to make up the bed and rest my weary body. So you can see that this bed, yes this bed is very special to me.

Back to sex etiquette. First of all why do men assume they are sleeping over and if so in your bed? I have a perfectly good sofa bed for guests. This always pisses me off because I do like to starfish across the bed and have my electric (lekky) blanket on full blast. Now instead I have to fight for the duvet and bum space? Nah dude, that’s not a good look. Go home!  I may have to impose a dating drivers only policy from now on because sharing a bed with what is essentially just a shag is never fun. You have that awkward “do we cuddle” thing. Note – no we do not cuddle. Stick to your side of the best, the one against the cold hard wall and you won’t get hurt .

This is all Boris Johnson’s fault.  I have a theory that sexual relationships are accelerated in London simply because the tube stops at a ridiculously early time. The other major problem is that some men love to hang around to improve on their last mediocre performance. Or for that morning glory. Then we have the joys of contending with work, bad breath (despite the strategically placed tooth brush some morning breath takes at least 45 minutes to dissipate and I don’t do breakfast for mediocre), and bright lights. We both look better in soft lighting or after a few drinks. Let’s not kill the magic .

The etiquette is that sleepovers only happen on the initiation of the host. Do not assume sleepover rights without being asked. Put a little aside for that cab.  If you are a guy hosting you must give at least 3 hours’ notice so she can pack the crap for the next day. If you are a girl you can decide after round one. Normally if it’s not worthy of repeating this is the point where you start talking about your meeting the next morning and needing your 8 hours sleep. One guy who wasn’t getting the hint and had brought a big bag was starting to get on my nerves so I asked him what time his last train was. He wasn’t sure so I jumped online and checked trains to Bromley. Luckily we had more than enough time for him to get to Victoria. Yes, I had to put up with a 10 minute sulk whilst he got dressed but after that shoddy performance he wasn’t breakfast worthy.

Hmmmm, from now on I’m going to make the buggers take a Boris Bike home.

Happy Bedding!

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy