Categotry Archives: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide

A – Sexy B is for Bukkake

This is the practise of pleasuring more than one cock at a time usually ending in them coming all over your face. Do not confuse this with an Orgy where you can tag in other women whilst you go do something less boring. It seems to be a common practise in Japan  Eastern Europe according to porn sites. And an awful lot of it happens in forests or empty warehouses. I’m assuming this is to avoid the clean up afterwards.  I’ve never done it and I’ll tell you for why. More than one cock in the room is tantamount to disaster. I know we all want to think we can handle it but I’m not one to pretend to be that brave. One is enough. Well sometimes it isn’t but that’s a whole other blog.

At my recent house party there were too many men to women. The testosterone levels reached ridiculous levels. Men who would normally know how to behave turned into horny beasts who wouldn’t leave the women alone. Bukkake is this with their cocks vying for room in your mouth.  There is no control in Bukkake and you have to trust every man in there not to go too far and poke you in the eye. I just don’t think it’s worth the risk! So please, dudes, stop trying to tell me about the things you and your friends have done in groups.

If this is your fantasy and he arranged it for you fine (chances are you are going to have to do this yourself as men and organisation isn’t always synonymous. Might I suggest an advert in craigslist as opposed to those sex websites?) but if one cold day in May his friends keep dropping by looking hungry straight after lunch and it starts turning into an episode of Emu’s world (there’s somebody at the door!) then you know what to do my precious. Yes, get your bag and run!

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

A – Sexy:  B is for Bitches

This is another suggestion from the site for Bs (Thank you Purple African Princess). It takes a lot for me to call a woman a bitch but there are circumstances when I think, yeah she’s a bitch. But don’t worry ladies this is a short one. Because like Mary Poppins we are practically perfect. Sometimes we can be conniving, selfish and insecure but these aren’t the same as the 10 examples below which to me are just plain evil.  The rest of the time I will assume that individuals are exhibiting signs of bitchiness but they are not terminal or chronic bitches. Big difference as we’ve all have our moments. (Whole other blog)

Disclaimer:

DO NOT call your current squeezes ex a bitch.  I don’t care how mad the stories are ….chances are he’s not blameless. I’ve had men regale me with stories of their bitches of an ex and immediately I’m put off. Cos the moment I dump them I will become that bitch he rants about. (trust me dude I’ll give you good reason to bitch if you mess with me)

So never trust a bitter man who calls women bitches ESPECIALLY the mother of his children. But we’ll discuss Baby mamas vs Mother of my kids later. Back to Bitches!

1. If she constantly uses the kids to spite him just because he has a new woman and it’s to the detriment of the kids. She’s a bitch. I’m with Social services on this one. The best interest of the kids comes first. This means seeing the Dad even if he is a bit of a knob.  Kids don’t know he’s a knob ‘til much, much later. They just think he lives in McDonalds.
2. If she regularly leads a man on knowing she has no intentions of ever letting him hit it then yeah, she’s a bitch. Just say you want a lift home. No need to indicate that you’re going to put out, get naked then renege because you’re tired. Some other woman is going to have to deal with his frustration.
3. If she tells you that she can’t have kids, never wants to have kids and has had a hysterectomy, makes you both go for STD tests then 2-3 months later she is pregnant with twins? She’s a bitch.
4. If you go clubbing with her and point out the man you’ve been crushing on for a good 8 months and she says “I know his friend. Let me go say hi, warm him up for you” then 5 minutes later they are snogging and going home together? She’s a bitch.
5. If she agrees to go out with a guy knowing full well that she’s pregnant with someone else’s kid and never ever intends to tell him. She’s a bitch.
6. If she lies about being pregnant for attention or to get a man to stay out of a sense of responsibily she’s a bitch. Worse is if she then tries to get pregnant. He’s thinking “wow the hormones are making her horny!” No dude, that kid will be a good few weeks overdue.
7. If she steals your bankcard and draws out the last of your money then disappears, she’s a bitch. 14 years later and her conscious hasn’t made her pay me back? Yeah I’m still screwing about it, bitch.
8. If she uses her milkshake to bring all the boys to the yard to heel and doesn’t even let you have her sloppy seconds…she’s a bitch. And worse if she is in a relationship but still wants every guy to like her. Even that nerdy geek one that no one wants but you! (If I have misinterpreted the lyrics of this song please forgive me. I still don’t really know what milkshake is)
9. If she is never there when you need her and yet expects you to drop everything when she breaks a nail then yeah she’s a bitch of a friend and needs to go.
10. If she swears up and down that she never slept with your man and then you find her panties that you bought together on a shopping trip at his place?…She’s a bitch!

In terms of etiquette I would tell men to avoid bitches but alas you are drawn to them like an over eater to excuses. And it’s not because it’s that time of the month. Some women are like that full time.

But you know my precious that I love you and know that the bitch is a rare breed of women. The sort of women many men seem to gravitate towards but, we know better. We just can’t say anything for fear of being labelled a BITCH!

Oh that was longer than I thought. Oops!

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

A – Sexy B is for Bondage for him

There is always a dangerous point in a relationship where you run out pillow talk and then he turns to you and asks about your fantasies. You don’t say, a loving husband, a gaggle of noisy kids and a house off of Sloane Square. Trust me you will never see him again. Instead you mumble something exotic but not too taxing and then, being polite you ask him what his fantasies are.

Big mistake my precious. This is an area where men are a lot more focused. I’ve had everything from the 3sum with his roommate to the 3sum with a random woman to the transsexual fantasy (I didn’t have the heart to break it to him that this was one I couldn’t help him with) and then….. the bondage one.

Bondage is fine if you aren’t lazy like me. When you are the Dom you suddenly have to think of interesting things to do to him whilst he’s bound. At first I resented this. How DARE he make me do more work than I deemed heterosexually fair. But then I began to see some benefits to it. So if you’re up for it or he’s literally gagging for it here are a few benefits to Bondage for him:

Blindfold – there are some aspects of our bodies we don’t like. Blindfolding him means we don’t have to be self-conscious about those wobbly bits. Be careful you don’t get too complacent and take him out with a stray boob though.  They are sensitive. Which brings me onto …

Pain – No matter what they say men have a lower pain threshold than us women. Let’s not get started on that old is childbirth more painful than a kick in the balls. We both know who can take pain. Oh and most are ticklish so lose the feathers especially near feet. But bondage isn’t necessarily about pain. They also don’t usually like to let go of control.

Submission – a man that demonstrates that he trusts you with his most precious gift, his limp shrivelled dick is a man who deserves to be rewarded, no? That said he could just be lazy. Check for signs of a beer belly and softening muscles before giving him props on trust.

Dress up – I’ve searched high and I’ve searched low for the perfect male costume and the result is that nothing out there works. You want him naked and bound to the 4 corners of the bed. Male sex fashion really does have a long way to go. Talk about unforgiving. So lose the Ann Summers constumes my precious. Those willy warmers aren’t even comical.

Blowjobs – this is the perfect position to give him a blowjob cos he can’t use his hands to help steer you. You can basically do what you like. Good times which brings me neatly onto the subject of blowjobs. Back in a bit ….

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy