Categotry Archives: 40DayDating

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Dear Santa 2016

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Categories: 40DayDating, BLOG, DATING, Latest

Dear Santa,

Me again. Yes I know I said that if you gave me a banging body, a phone that works and a better job that I wouldn’t ask you for anything else but, Santa, you’re killing me with the online dating? What’s the deal with all the duds on there? Are you not filtering anymore? And I hate to grumble but, I’m still waiting on that banging body too please? (OK in the spirit of fairness this may or may not have something to do with all those sugary treats you keep putting in my way.)

This year started off badly with zero dates for the first 4 months. I was starting to wonder if you had forgotten about me completely. But then you threw me a bone and gave me a guy with financial problems. This seems to be an ongoing theme this year. Out of 32 dates it’s been a hot money mess. Is my name Barclays? Here’s to show you that for once I’m not exaggerating my precious .

Love you Santa

CBx

12 tedious first dates

Some of the dates were so boring I had to set my phone alarm up and pretend to rush off to another appointment. How some guys appear witty on line but when you meet them they have nothing to say is a testament to their friends writing their profiles. It may also say something about my penchant for a strong handsome face and not actually reading their profiles beyond their height and star sign?

11 timewasters wasting time

Lateness is the bane of dating. Anything from 20 minutes to no shows have been experienced. Why am I standing outside of a restaurant you may ask? Because I don’t want the wait staff to know that, once again, I potentially have been stood up (see 3). Until you turn up I’m not actually sure that you’re going to make it.

10 poverty piss takers

Apparently it’s ok now for the woman to pay for the whole bill. If he starts to outline his financial woes during the starter then cancel the other two courses and save yourself the bill. This has become such a pandemic that I carry a spare card in my bra.

9 never agains

Some guys are so heinous that I never want to see them again. Anything from the way they talk about women and their exes to little things they drop about how they view life in general can put one off. Like those that proudly said they voted Leave. I can’t. Let’s just walk away from this date.

8 beggers begging

When they ask you where you live and who you live with it used to be so that they could come around for sex. But now it’s because they want a place to stay for free. Don’t invite them back unless you want to see them mentally measuring up your wardrobe room for their old comics and decks. You are not a storage facility!

7 waste men trying it

The ones trying to get their leg over but have absolutely no intention of dating you. Yes him. They are a growing breed. Don’t fall for the lyrics.

 

6 liars lying

A helpful hint to all liars out there: Scroll up before you lie and see if you’ve already lied about your age / height / marital status / who you live with. Otherwise you just out yourself as a liar. Sigh. So sloppy.

5 married men!

These ones were all unhappily married though so apparently that’s meant to sway me into thinking a wedding ring not for me is ok. It’s not.  [please note sarcasm American readers]

4 French dates

My best dates were all French Muslims. They turned up on time, they paid for the date (ok all of them were during Ramadan and didn’t involve any alcohol) and they were extremely polite. I’m just not looking for an interfaith relationship. I enjoy being a happy heathen.

3 Stood me ups

Those that just don’t turn up but then are really apologetic afterwards? I know you got a better offer. Just be honest.  Sitting at Bills by myself for 45 – 87 minutes is not cool. That’s how long it takes to get through two starters.

2 couples matched

Whilst unsuccessfully dating myself I did manage to hook up other couples and two seem to be destined to go the distance. Don’t I get tinkerbell points for that or something? Come on!!

And a partner just for me!

Santa, I know you are still working on the last one and you’re just waiting for the madness of 2016 to be over. Can we work together please instead of you and your elves using me for your after work target practise?

Thanks Santa!

Chelsea x

 

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10 signs you may not be a tinder match

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Categories: 40DayDating, DATING, DATING TIPS

Signs you may not be a tinder match just from your photos:

1) Sedated lion, tiger, snake. Let them be free an wild!
2) Photos with children that you didn’t birth. Why are they online with you when your 3-8 aren’t anywhere to be seen?
3) Photos with you outside a car. Is it yours or are you still #TeamOysterCard like most of us? Am I meant to be impressed?
4) Only white friends and/or women. Like dude, you don’t have cousins and shit? That one work colleague even if they aren’t in the same team?
5) A photo of a bottle of laurent perrier by itself. Yes it’s pink and may appeal to the ladies but, why is this your calling card ?
6) All serious faced photos with not one smile. I’ll assume gold front teeth.
7) Only head shots. I have female friends who are selfie goddesses. I know what this means. Accept your budda belly like we have to
8) You on a camel or with your finger on top of a famous something. Eiffel tower, a pyramid, Taj Mahal, holding up the Pisa Tower….sigh.
9) a chest shot with you crouched over to make it look like you and the gym didn’t break up 12 years ago (that’s when we split up too. Ooooh look! Something in common)

10) Click bait memes about what a good woman wants from a real man followed by a titty / booty image. Er, yeah no.

#40daydating #day49 #final15 #WhenWillItEnd #12DatesToGjudge judyo

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My 3 Tinder Golden Rules

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Categories: 40DayDating, DATING, DATING TIPS, Misadventures, Tags: , ,

3 Tinder Golden Rules

Ok so it has been a hell of a dating ride. When I set up this #40daydating challenge I thought to myself that I wasn’t going to get more than 10 days and I’ve already had 7 (yeah I left when Hot Gym Dude was late but, it counts. I was at the agreed spot at the agreed time)

But then after the initial exhilaration over my dating success (Some of my precious American readers please note sarcasm and insert here) I realised that I’d have to work smarter if I was going to meet anyone worthy of taking beyond the 40daydating threshold into happily ever summer. This wasn’t going to be easy! So I sat down on my rest day and focused on what had gone wrong and what was going right. This was a relatively quick process because there was so little right so far that I only needed to focus on the wrong. And there were so many Mr Wrongs!

 

Lateness

Oh my days this is a bug bear! I’m an eighth German and that eighth is punctuality! I’m not built for winter or British. I’m too curvy dresses and leggings for that shit. Stop your foolishness.

We had the one who had just reached home 10 minutes before our date time (8.30)  and took an hour to get there. He couldn’t tell me before I left my house? He had to wait until 8.20? How did he think I was going to get to the meetup on time? Oh he didn’t because I think he assumed we would both be late

The one who was 84 minutes late to a gig which started at 8. Luckily I was in the warmth and listening to good music (Thanks SofarSounds) but, I don’t get it. The only thing he was bothered about was that I saved him a beer. I think this was code for, I’m not spending a penny. More on him another time.

Then the Dad who was 30 minutes late because he couldn’t find parking at 7pm. In SW London on a Monday ? You are a liar.

Finally and most distressingly because I was actually looking forward to it was Hot Gym Dude who, after 15 minutes wait outside Clapham junction hadn’t called. Then he told me 10. Then he told me 5 (30 minutes later). Then finally he said, “Mi reach” but I’d gone. 49 minutes is not the one. Not even the promise of those biceps could keep me on that street a minute longer. Just say you couldn’t get away from your woman and let it go.

So the rules are simple. I don’t meet anyone at a station or on the street again. I am not a prostitute and there are plenty of bars and coffee shops in London. I will only wait 20 minutes for a date, 30 if you’re cute and given such good banter that I’m already naming our babies in my head. Kidding. I chose all of my babies’ names 20 years ago. 

 

Payment

Remember when we were in a recession and nobody wanted to put their money on the table? When going to dinner was going to Nandos every single time? When guys used to tell you that they had just eaten whether it was 6,7,8,9,10pm?  Then they looked longingly at your food and stole your chips?

Yes, we are back here again. Which is not a problem. It’s good that people are being careful with their money and I don’t need a man to splash the cash on me. That said I’m really not ready to splash the cash on them either I get that they have child support and rent to pay but, so do I. My child support consists of books, clothes and music. Feeding my inner child. So far I’ve had:

Cheeky coffee one, “I know you don’t want me to contribute do ya? You’ve got this. I only had a coffee” and half my chips!

Nandos, “babe, you got change?”

The Heineken who said nothing but then tried to come home with me and said he had cab money to get himself home

And the dude who told me that he was trying to save for a property so, er, yeah. Money be tight. The bill was £21.

This role reversal thing is not cute and I’ve decided I’m going to make it clear before confirming that, I’ll happily pay for myself but expect the same from them. I’m not here to sponsor people and their lifestyles. I’m going to get a t-shirt which tells them so. “Nah Fam, I’m not the one!”  

So Rule 2 is to stop paying for dates. I am sure that HMRC won’t let me write them off as business expenses.

 

Trusting my gut

It’s ok to be an optimist and give the benefit of the doubt but Maxine Saj, my budda belly is rarely ever wrong about men. Food, not so much but, men? Men she knows.

So why when I can see that they’re not communicating well (ie at normal times) or they’re too aggressive or their typos are more basic primary school grammar am I still going out on dates? I seriously don’t have time for this. Yes, the magazine and society has told us not to aim too high when it comes to men because men have the power and a lot of choice and are Neanderthals etc but this has gotten to a point where basic respect is missing.

The last and best rule is to trust my gut. It has never ever steering me wrong. Except for that chicken. Why is it always chicken??

Hopefully the rest of the challenge will be less dramatic. I just don’t think the wasteman to decent man ratio on Tinder and POF should be ignored. There are a lot of frogs out there. I’ll just try not to hang out with all of them.  

© Chelsea Black 2016

 

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