A-Sexy: C is for Cameras and camcorders

Oh Tulisa! Seriously a sex tape on a blackberry? At first I was a little disappointed. Not just at the tape but from what I heard about her technique. I would just like to say to all those celebrities who are leaking sex tapes please I beg go to the rehearsals. Nothing says no like a bad performance on the playback.

But then I got to thinking about it and thinking it could so easily happen to any of us. Because men are sneaky!

Before there were phone cameras and camcorders there were those disposable cameras that you bought from Boots. I bought one and got my friend to take some…delicate photos of me in different MATCHING lingerie outfits. She was a very good friend even if she did always looked at me weirdly after that when she thought I wasn’t looking.

Then my boyfriend came round and I showed him the photos. I had the negatives and I held onto all the photos as we went through them. He wanted to keep them but even then at the tender age of 19 I knew that this wasn’t a good idea. Besides already Maxine (my budda belly) and I were starting to break up over her need to appear in every picture. Bless, she was so little then.

And so my point is made. How are you going to partake of something in which you have no control over the final product and its distribution. If a guy wants to take a photo of my butt or boobs on his phone whatever. But with my face too? Erm, no

So if he is pestering you for this or you are a bit of an exhibitionist this is what you will need to do

1)      Buy your own equipment and learn to use it. Be careful with his as even if it looks like he’s deleted it there is something that he can do which means it isn’t deleted.

2)      Practice your moves. Key are positions that make you look slimmer and sexier. Stretching on all fours is a good one. Sitting can be awfully painful to watch back

3)      Don’t do anything you know you aren’t good at

4)      Do NOT ever, ever give him a copy of access to your computer, camcorder or tapes. Those tapes shouldn’t be in your home anyway. They should be in a bank vault.

In the unlikely event that you find out an ex has been showing a sex tape of you then after you’ve returned to a state of non-fury you have a few options

1)      Sue him. If he made money then you deserve your share for being the star of the show

2)      Request all of the tapes back. I don’t trust that they will do this so you may need to sue him to get these

3)      Make sure you have embarrassing photos of him in awkward positions. These you get in the honeymoon phase of the relationship when he’s still trying to impress. Photoshop. I know some of them won’t need Photoshop but in this situation blackmail may be your friend.

I’m not a fan of sex on tape as I don’t really know that I want to watch myself back. And I’m not sure how much spice it adds to a relationship when he realises playback was only 7 minutes and she realises that despite all that gym her thighs still have that cottage cheese look to them. So best you avoid it where possible because you never know what your next job will be. Lucky for me I have no political aspirations

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups