I went on a date with a dude who seemed interested in getting to know me. I know, you can see where this is going already, right?

Anyhoo, we got on well bitterenough and despite the fact that I found him chaotic and slightly disingenuous it wasn’t a terrible non date date. At least he was honest. I was still seeing Head Fuck so this was a nice distraction from the constant bickering and head fuckery of that interaction. He took me to an oriental food fusion place which is always a risk. There was a moment after his first beer when he went to order a second and I had to remind him that he was driving me home? I don’t take risks with other people’s alcohol imbibition. Just not my own but then I don’t drive and keep the black cab industry in business. Eventually he saw the error of his ways and stuck to one.

There were definitely some unresolved relationship issues there. Apparently women were this and that but he really wanted NYRa relationship. I didn’t believe him but let him work through that on someone else’s time. I’m not coaching or counselling another date. A lot of men out there are bitter. Pay someone. Oh wait, maybe they think that’s what they’re paying for on a date? More on this another day.

Later as we walked to the car it turned out that he was a smoker too? He had one of those vaper ciggies that look sexy on women but a bit naff on a guy. Hmmmm, this wasn’t going well. I get into the car and there are empty coffee cups. Like, 3 or 4 of them. I ask him and he says he loves his coffee. No accounting for taste. I like the taste but I can’t be making that many trips to the bathroom. People at work would get suspicious and think I had a drug problem.

So we head back to mine and 2 hours of car based small talk he’s grown on me enough for me to do the old, ‘My place is a mess’, line and invite him in. Snog on sofa seems to be going well enough and then I’m stuck. What next?

As I’m still technically with Head Fuck I can’t have sex. I’m not really ready to fly to the US for my very own special episode of Maury so I tend to stick to one at a time. But the boy is trying. I’ve got work the next day and he doesn’t seem to be in a rush to go home. I figure a blow job says, thanks for dinner and the chat but I’m sebitter 2eing someone. I told him about Head Fuck so this shouldn’t be a shock.

5 minutes later and I’m done. I’m sure there’s a 9am and it’s not 1am. I need to get my 6 hours in. Then it hits me. That tastes so bitter. So we’ve got a heady combination of alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine? No wonder this tastes foul. I try not to pull faces as I let him out making noises about speaking soon. I don’t know but how am I going to tell him that this is not a winning combination?

Note to self: watch what your date eats, drinks and smokes. It will come back to haunt you. And guys, help us help you by watching that diet? Ta

© Chelsea Black

P.S. I told Bitter Blowjob that this was his nickname and his issues. He’s taken it on board and rectified the situabitter 3tion. Too late for me but I’ve saved some other woman from that horrendous experience. You’re welcome Mrs Future Bitter Blowjob!

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups