chelseablack

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

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The resolutions

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Every year I made the same 3 resolutions: lose weight, get into a meaningful relationship and buy lots of heels. I know my precious, there was little sign of any weight loss and there had been a few dates but none that were worthy of a permanent toothbrush. I bought myself a pair of red Carvela heels from Kurt Geiger so I figured I was winning. What was a girl to do?

I decided to start with the exercise programme as chocolate and champagne were becoming constant companions. I went online and an hour later fearing a call from my bank manager I logged off and waited patiently for the pink fleecy outfits to arrive. And arrive they did. I can’t deny they all looked really cute on but, none of them made it outside. It was just too bloody cold! Maybe I should have bought an exercise DVD instead?

As January dragged along with everyone complaining about the cold I knew that jogging wasn’t going to work for me. So I was left with one resolution to tackle. That of the meaningful relationship. Don’t get me wrong I’m always in relationships. It is just that they aren’t always in relationships with me …..or just me. And sometimes the relationships are virtual or ….in my head. It’s all about timing, location and my imagination really. It was  time to get serious and find someone to lust over who would lust equally back.

I had divorced internet dating after some incidents on some sites which involved men perverting the dating process and then it hit me that the only one that hadn’t failed miserably was eHarmony. I remember joining eHarmony a few years ago, spending ages filling in a personality form (something I love doing – answering questions about myself) and then waiting to see who they thought would be a match for me.

They sent me my first match and as his photo slowly loaded up I realised that darn it I already knew him! They sent a few more and of 5 I knew 2 I real life. I figured they weren’t doing too badly here but then black London is pretty small. I quickly lost interest in internet dating as I was on way too many sites at once and went back to what I do best; moaning about being in a #datingrecession.

So fast forward to 3 years later and a chance encounter with one of those eHarmony matches showed me that maybe there was more to this personality matching then I had first realised?  We tripped and fell into each other. What can I say, there’s no such thing as an accident and they were right we were a match. Just more of a one night match than a permanent one.

Curious I facebooked eHarmony and came across a mini questionnaire to work out what sort of dates you should be going out on. I was a little sceptical but then I looked at the prizes. Wine tasting, spa or bootcamp…I filled in the questions and prayed for the wine tasting or the spa. Both were opportunities to relax and get drunk. Can’t say fairer that that!

But alas I got…the bootcamp. And then I realised that this was not my opportunity to find a meaningful relationship. Instead this was the opportunity to kick start my exercise regime and use that luscious pink exercise gear I had purchased. But the key thing is that I needed to try something different. Cos after 6 years of resolutions I was still making the same ones every year. And who knows…maybe I’ll give the website a go again. You never know who else I may fall into right? Regents Park Bootcamp here I come!

 

To enter the eHarmony competition go to http://www.experience2012.info Good Luck

© Chelsea Black

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The Lashes Date

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So the Monday morning after a hectic weekend of socialising and networking I get a text message:

[Hey Buddy how’s it going?]

BUDDY!?! I asked who it was and he asked if I didn’t remember our passionate kiss at the bar on Friday? Hmmm, I put my thinking cap on, searched through my phone photos and was still flummoxed. I called my friends Linda and Jamel. Then I checked business cards from the networking event and realised that pre the champagne blurry end of the night I had indeed met this guy. But had I kissed him? Maybe he was pulling my leg but based on my then track record chances are he wasn’t lying.

Luckily he asked me out on a date. I was curious to see who he was but it was cold and I suggested that he come to my neck of the woods as who wants to leave Chelsea / Fulham? He came, we ate and I decided that even drunk I had good taste in bar snogs. As we parted he thought to remind me of our kiss and we snogged outside Fulham Broadway station….Nope! I told him that I still didn’t remember him. I guess the 1st kiss wasn’t that great?

But then I made that common mistake of deciding that I liked him. Cher was right – it was in his kiss! Strong, bossy and hot. He asked me out again on the Wednesday and I did what I always do and went into Type A overdrive. My male friend said I needed to talk less and listen more. I always let them talk more than me but apparently my stories weren’t always date worthy so …. less funny stories as men don’t do funny girls. Got it.

My girlfriends were all about the look and what I was going to wear. Not having the heart to face a hair salon I bit the bullet and finally made an appointment with @boudoirlashes to get my eye lashes done. Typically I wanted drag queen lashes but she was firm and clear. “We don’t do drag queen darling, we do pretty.”

An hour later I skipped out of the salon humming ‘I feel pretty’ and racing home to change. When I met him for dinner I did as instructed and fluttered my eye lashes without looking like I had a twitch and listened more than I talked. There was a tricky moment where he suggested that he would love for me to take him to a sex club and that’s when I realised that ….we were not a match. Besides, he was looking for someone to show him around London and I was looking for someone to hang with at home. Socialising is for my friends.

Like houses the 2nd date is all about finding out what’s wrong with each other and as he invited himself to my flat I figured that there really wasn’t much point in pretending that I wasn’t going to shag him. I’d already kissed him at the bar, right?  I felt really grown up as we made out on the couch. My crush was already over and if nothing else I would have decent sex out of the whole experience. Then he delivered the killer line. “Can we be friends after sex?” We weren’t friends now so why would we be friends afterwards? The only way we can be friends is if he rocked my world. But I’m nothing if not generous and figured the least I could do was give him a….friendly audition.

Later as he ‘communicated’ incessantly through sex he asked me why I wasn’t answering his questions. Firstly I thought they were rhetorical, secondly er, I was listening and trying not to laugh as he growled and told me how much I deserved his cock, yeah, just like that girl, YEAH!!  Honestly? He sounded like an early 90s hip hop porn star. You know the ones with their socks on and a chicken wing in one hand, their gold teeth catching the camera. And finally I didn’t answer his because as he worked up an impressive sweat (yes my flat is warm) I kept moving my head and trying to avoid the sweat splashes thinking “NOT ON MY NEW EYELASHES!” I think he thought I was swept away by his script….bless.

The next time and he was so overwhelmed by the Jubilee line closures that he took 2 days after the date to inform me that he wasn’t coming. I guess he must have found someone to take him to that sex club. But on a positive note I’ve made a new friend in @boudoirlashes and discovered that I, yes I, can look pretty …… with a little help from a friend. What more could a girl ask for? ;)

contact www.boudoirlashes.co.uk, info@boudoirlashes.co.uk or @boudoirlashes and ask for Asma for more details

© Chelsea Black

 

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The role of the confidente

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So as a friend there is a role which we all have to deliver which is that of the confidente. Normally I don’t mind it but sometimes there are some questions which one has to put up that we would rather not have to bother with. So here are the delightful questions we friends who are confidentes have to put up with. Or if you only knew the crap we have to listen to when you guys aren’t acting right. We help you guys and so for this reason alone you shouldn’t hate on the single friend because without us you would need to deal with a whole heap of neurosis that no man can manage. Let’s begin.

Why hasn’t he called?

Honey, I don’t know and asking me isn’t going to come up with an answer that is adequate. Know this, if he is interested and is mature he will call or communicate. So assume the lack of a call is a sign that he isn’t that interested.  You are merely an option in his day or an afterthought and not a priority. Hurts but tis true my precious.  I really need to take this one on board because I assume him not calling is a sign that I need to call him drunken dial him to make sure his phone works. Nope! Oh and if he missed calls you please believe that it’s a missed call and that he really isn’t trying to feel you out. Avoid that awkward ‘did you call, er no’ conversation. I believe any guy that miss calls shows dangerous signs of having a pay as you go and should be avoided anyway.

Why is everyone in a relationship except me?

I don’t know and seriously if you can’t enjoy the multitude of positives that singledom provide you at least some of the time then please lose my number. There is nothing worse that the single friend who wants a relationship so badly that it permeates through her pours and ruins everyone else’s champagne buzz. Pet peeve : Those friends who will go to great lengths to show how ‘wifey’ they are in front of men and how non ‘wifey’ you are. Sure chick do you but don’t think that most men are that worried about a ‘wifey’ at a bar or a club. But I tell you what…we’re friends so I’ll ask him to drop you home on the way back to mine, ok?

What’s wrong with me? When is it my turn?

I don’t have psychic powers but the one thing I’ve learned is that relationships come from hence you least expect and at the times when you don’t necessarily want one. Usually closer to home than you may deem comfortable so exploring the 4 corners of London (by this I mean central London only of course) is not always going to reap rewards. The minute you focus on getting one and start envying other people it’s a fail. I remember a friend being upset when another friend seemed really happy with her man. They made a beautiful couple and you couldn’t help but be happy for them. “I’m happy for them but, when is it going to be my turn?” she cried. How could I say that to be honest her general misery and whiff of desperation were so transparent that men could spot it a mile away. Men aren’t intuitive about many things but they sense anything that is going to take away their freedom straight away and run. Needless to say 10 years on and she’s still single.

What do you think he means when he says…..?

Sweetie I wish I could think like a man but seriously I can’t. Normally he means what he says so assume that’s what he means. I had one who said he didn’t want to get addicted to me then promptly disappeared. So I know that this means that he’s about to do a disappearing act. Things like “you are such a good friend” and “you’ll make someone a really good wife one day” are your cues to grab your purse and run!  Others say they need to sort themselves out and aren’t worthy of getting with you and then they…disappear. Yes, so I guess it’s not what he says so much as what he does straight afterwards. If he disappears then chances are he’s not one you want to spend too much of our Union Market lunch analysing? PLEASE!

Should I call him? What should I say?

No do not call him. Yes the conversation will be great but seriously if he isn’t calling you then either his fingers have been paralysed by the excitement of meeting you or he doesn’t really want to talk to you. Chances are he’s just not au fait on dating etiquette and thinks days and days without communication are a precursor to a great relationship. My guess is that he is juggling a Facebook wife, a twitter mistress and copious flirtations on and off line so at this juncture you are nothing but a date he went on last week. Good luck but I don’t call men anymore. 02 were making too much money off of me calling and then them talking about themselves.

So where are we going this weekend?

Newly single friends who suddenly expect you to organise their social lives so that they can meet a new man. Why all of a sudden after 3 or 4 missed invited does she suddenly assume you will be arranging her weekend around her need to meet new men. I have a friend like that who only comes out if she thinks there will be single men out there and drops me helpful texts such as maybe every girl should bring a guy just so she can meet her FuHu. Here’s a suggestion chick, you bring the guys and I’ll bring the nonchalance of someone who doesn’t care enough about your single status to be throwing my unsuspecting single male friends in your voracious path.

Where are all the good men?

Hiding from you and with a good women. Now F off and leave me alone. NEXT !!

© Chelsea Black

 

 

 

 

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