March 1, 2012 by

A Pain in the Arse

2 comments

Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Latest, Tags: ,

A-Sexy : A for Anal

Guys, this is not something that you can just slip, stab or stick in willy nilly (no pun, just bum intended). Please stop trying this manoeuvre and thinking we won’t notice. When our backs are turned we assume that you can be trusted not to invade the space without a license. We know what you’re up to. JUST STOP!

One guy I was with waited until I was deep in sleep then thought to wake me with an anal invasion. I woke thinking someone was trying to kill me and was this close to calling the po po. What the f*ck was he doing!  He said he’d seen it on a film and the girl had slept through it. I didn’t think it was worth explaining to him that most of the women in the porn films are acting and that she had probably taken some sort of muscle relaxant or they had skipped the scenes were she was gaped because….I was too busy howling in pain!

Another common strategy is to pretend not to be able to find the hole. To us it feels like a game of pin the tail on the donkey. Or pin the dick on the tail. Sticking pins into delicate skin is not the way to get invited back. Then again maybe they don’t want to be. Selfish cretins

That said talking about it can backfire. An ex tried to convince me that although he had never done it before he reckoned he would be ok because “how hard could it be?” I then said that if he wanted to do me up the arse best I show him how it’s done first and then he will know what to do. This usually deters them and they go off mumbling about not being that way inclined.

There was a long pause and then he said “You make a great point. OK.” Ok? OK! No it wasn’t ok. I spent the next two weeks in Soho testing dildos and gathering research from sex shop workers. Oh there was so much pressure. My main concern was chaffing from the dildo straps and if it made my bum look bigger. Then luckily we broke up. I’m not going to lie my precious I was relieved.

No if you are going to do it there is a key to it. Research the anal foreplay among all that porn watched and learn before you try to unleash that nonsense. Oh and if I were you, after pulling a stunt like that I would make sure her mouth, knees or heel are nowhere near your precious balls because believe you me, payback is a bitch.

 

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

2 Responses to A Pain in the Arse

  1. Purpleafroprincess

    haha…one guy had his- ‘doggy’ priviledges revoked because of this mad, blind, stabbing business! Like really???

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