January 21, 2013 by

A fond farewell to all the Fs of 2012


Categories: BLOG, DATING

FloorAs with every New Year I throw a party to absolve myself of my chocolate sins. It’s an all white party because I think that’s the colour of purity. It never works but in my mind drinking copious amounts of bubbles is the only way to forget the year before. And then I go see my psychics. Don’t judge my Precious, some of you go to the gym for 2-3 weeks I go to the psychic.

Anyway when she said my challenge tarot card was the 5 of cups I was thrown. She asked me about the recent men in my life and I explained about the 5 disappearing acts. She told me that I should write what attracted me to them on a piece of paper, how I felt about them then and now and then burn it and surrender it to the universe. I was glad that it was only the ones from last year! And weirdly, there were 5! Spooky huh?

The Friend

We were twitterati friends. He took me on a date for Valentine’s day and then disappeared for 3 months. He booty called me 3 months later. Surely not? But yes indeedy. I told him to go away and come back in 3 months. My facetious comment was wasted as he did return 3 months later. I told him that if we were to have anything it would have to be more than sex. He said that he was too selfish to be a boyfriend and besides when I didn’t invite him in for sex on Valentine’s day he assumed I wasn’t interested. He said he was spoilt by women chasing him. Right. I told him that now we were at an impasse and would remain friends. He sent me a sad face. The curse of the Valentine’s had struck again.

Mr Fotocopier

Dear MR F: We met at work. You used to help me with the machines because I really don’t care to know what I’m doing. I liked you but you never openly flirted. Your facebook updates were strange and your spelling made my soul cry a little but you were a teddybear. Then I left work and you insisted we keep in touch. We set up an event then you disappeared 3 weeks before the event refusing to answer texts or calls. I started to feel like a stalker. Turns out that business wasn’t so good. Then months later out of the blue you contact me and ask where I live. I ask why and you tell me that you think things could get hot and heavy between us if you drive by later that week. Huh? Were you invited? I regret tolerating all the poorly spelt chat messages now.

Mr Facebook

We were friends. We joked about writing and creative stuff. I wasn’t sure where it was going but you seemed to want to turn it into a date. You even said you would pay. I was mildly impressed. It was a recession year after all. You asked to see my photo as I purposefully don’t have any on Facebook. I wasn’t sure what you would think of me and there is always that moment of self doubt. I wasn’t prepared for your response. “I know who you are. I know who you are!” you shouted and promptly disappeared.

Who am I? #Confused

You came back weeks later like nothing had ever happened but I have since deleted you. I just don’t think paying for a Nandos is enough for me to forgive the weird response.

The Freak

We were introduced by a friend. You seemed to be gently seducing me whilst asking her questions on the side. It was going well. You suggested we go into business together. I suggested we meet up first. You resisted my attempts to meet. You tried to make it sexual instead and I resisted those. You told me about all the women you had on your roster. I told you that I was over sex for sex sake. I was surprised when you set up a date for a Friday. On the Wednesday I suggested a time. I never heard from you again. I know you are alive as you have been spotted on FB and on my gmail. I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that you weren’t in a mild accident that left your typing skills temporarily paralysed. I do wonder If one of your sexcapades women tied you up for 3 days leaving you unable to answer. I guess we will never know.

The FuHu

The FuHu – so we met at varsity. He said he had a crush. I had someone to carry my books between classes. I can’t say that I knew about your crush as you were a shy 17 year old and I was a woman of the world already – in my head.  Years and 1 Facebook request later we were in serious lust. Sexual, intelligent and a size queen’s dream I was very quickly considering moving countries. I have never had so much BBM sex in my life. Both divorced, I was surviving on a few hours sleep because of the time difference. I did worry that you never really called and that you had an evil temper but, we came from the same place. I got you.

But you offered so much and delivered so little. Then you disappeared. A week later I got a text from you telling me that you had slept with someone else but thought about me as you did her from behind. I think I was meant to be flattered? It wasn’t.

And so I bid you all a not so fond adieu and burn this letter. I will move forward dating more wisely and bravely in 2013. And I hope that my letter doesn’t have to be this long!

Hi my name is Chelsea black and….hey I’m back!

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

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