First dates or early relationship dates are hard enough, right? You’ve spent hours on the phone taking selfies and deciding with your international committee what best to wear. Mama Black tends to tell me to cover up whereas most of my friends tell me to lead with the skin. Anyway you’ve invested at different spas and you’ve spent the appropriate amount of time flirt texting and cyber stalking him. He seems worthy, you’ve agreed a date and it’s on.

Cut to the date:

So we’ve all been there. You’re in a bar, restaurant, club or cinema queue with a new man and then SHE turns up. That girl from his recent past with what can only be described by the dagger eyes, some unresolved issues.  You can tell the issues are unresolved as your new man stiffens and moves you slightly behind him protectively. Or at least I hope this is what he does instead of him pushing you into the line of fire. Her eyes are manic and she looks like whilst you were watching Karate Kid and The Last Ninja she was watching Bruce Lee movies and taking notes on inflicting bone crushing pain.

Bruce Lee

Bruce Lee in The Last Dragon. The look before you don’t see anything but floor

You size up your opponent. Fuck, she looks strong and like she knows how to swing a purse from all that kelbel training. You aren’t going to be able to take her. This isn’t reality TV, there are no producers to keep her off of you.

What do you do? She looks like she wants to scratch your eyes out and your biggest issue is hoping that the eyelash glue can last through a 2 hour movie and some heavy car petting.  You can’t run as your heels are too high and you’ve have more than 3 drinks so what you consider to be witty repartee is going to be slightly mumbled and possibly flammable. Don’t pay her a compliment. She’ll hear the sarcasm in your voice. No she doesn’t look good in teal and no one person should be wearing that much lycra outside of the gym.

Keep her off me!

Let’s think this through. So he offered you a compliment and said you look nice. Is he worth losing blood over? Yes he paid for dinner but is your safety worth £40? Ok £70, the apple martinis.

Do what I did my precious, excuse yourself and go to the toilet. I actually left the building and went home. I texted him to tell him of my decision to escape when I was safely in a cab heading back to the less crazy west side of town. I don’t have time for scenes and with the increase in acid attacks in London I can’t take risks on exes. Cinema would have you believe that the worst that can happen is a little bit of hair pulling between women but, I wear wigs and I’m not really up for the big natural hair reveal in a City club. Besides, some women like to fight over a man like he’s the last Twix in the factory and they’ve closed down. Then and only then will you see me risk a nail.

Run chica run

All those forced school runs will be your friend

What this tells you is that he’s not the one. He likes them crazy. You can’t be with a man that dated a crazy person for ages. You have nothing in common!

See it as the only way you can leave that bar, club or restaurant with your heels and makeup intact. And if she sees you run! You didn’t do forced cross country and athletics at school for nowt. It was training you for these life lessons.

Enjoy!

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups