singleBreaking up is easier and easier to do in this world of dating choice. But what are the most popular methods and lines used? Let’s take a look.

“We need to talk”

Sometimes they’ll ask to meet up. Public places are best because they don’t think that British people will cause a scene. Well, when it comes to breaking up some of us become Latin. We don’t give a fuck who sees it. Many have learned never ever to break up with someone in your own house. I don’t think the insurance will cover those breakages.

The Disappearing Act

Don’t bother explaining to the other person that dating, fucking or seeing them isn’t what you want. Just cut them off and let them wonder where you are. Before you call around check their facbook, whatsup times and google chat. Chances are he is still alive. They’re just dead to you. Mourn and move on.

“It’s not you. It’s me”

Well of course it’s me! You’re the one doing the breaking up. I can see how explaining why you don’t want to be with someone isn’t the way to bow out gracefully but if there is something wrong in their relationship game then give them a heads up. I’m all for mentioning at least 3 things the person can work on. Give them those take away things to mull over and bitch about.

The long pauses

They used to email you 20 times a day, whatsapp like a fiend and then one day, it all just stops. They come back a few days later and claims busyness but to be honest you never achieve the same levels of fevered intensity. You know it’s over and start combing through those last few days of correspondence. Was it something you said or did? Chances are no. They’ve checked out but just keeping you on a leash until the next one is warmed up and ready to commit. Move on You will never work it out.

“I’ll call you”

They never call. Don’t wait. If it has been a week assume that they’re not going to call. Yes we hear of tales of men getting in touch with women months or years later and them living happily….oh wait, no we don’t. Normally they’ve gotten someone else pregnant, realised their mistake and now want you back. Grab your purse and run!

The silence

He doesn’t say anything but yogratitude prayer 2u know he’s checked out. You ask, they lie and then one day months later they confess that yes indeed they don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. So you knew 4 months ago and you were just mulling it over giving me crumbs whilst you….I don’t even want to talk about this one. I’m going to learn a martial arts for the next time it happens.

“I’ll change…..again”

He brings flowers and apologises for cheating / being late / ignoring you / flirting / being a wasteman. You try to break it off but he’s not having it. He begs for another chance. You reluctantly give it to him and then he does exactly the same thing again thus affectively breaking up with you. He knew the consequences and chose to do it anyway. Don’t be weak. Let him go.

“She’s just a friend”

Having friends of the opposite sex is healthy. It’s natural. He didn’t drop from the sky. He had a life before you met. But there are two types of female friends you must be wary of. One is the new colleague / internet female friend.  The other is the female friend whose company he prefers to yours. This doesn’t mean she wants him but that you are his sex girlfriend and she is his de facto girlfriend. You cannot be in a relationship with a man who will always be emotionally closer to someone else. It will drive you man.

© Chelsea Black

 

 

 

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups