disappearing man

5 ways to make a man disappear

So clearly dating hasn’t been going well. The most I thought about it the more I realised that I have a super strength that most women lack. I can make men disappear. The relationship seems to be going really well and then POOF! he’s gone. They usually come back by which time I’ve decided that they weren’t the one anyway but. the more I thought about it, the more I realised that there were certain advantages to this skill including getting rid of pests. They are more stubborn, granted but, like a stubborn stain they don’t like to linger around where there is nothing to feed off. So let’s begin.

 

There are 5 main strategies :

1)      Be Honest

Most men spend most of their time lying. It’s an occupations hazard to tell the truth and actually then have to be responsible for your feelings and shit. So the best thing to counter act this is to tell the truth. Always. Even if it’s cruel. Tell him that he’s annoying, that the sex is just ok, that Charlton aren’t likely to win the Premiership, that his nose hairs aren’t cute, that his dependency on his mother is abnormal, that crack is whack and that yes, that is a little small for the average man.

He won’t thank you for your honesty. He may change but they never ever want to be with someone who sees them as anything less than perfect. He’ll run. You’ll be alone again. Now I know for some of you the prospect of being alone is a scary one but think how liberating it is to be able to say what you really think without worrying about their ego. Because, most of a relationship is about managing the ego or insecurity of the other person. Nobody has time for that when they’re trying to get out!

Choose this option wisely my precious as, clearly once the truth is out there you can’t take it back. His penis is never going to grow and you both know that it’s not enough now.

 

2)      Talk about your plans for the future

I see women making themselves ill trying to suppress their plans for the future and if you REALLY want to get rid of them then make sure they know that you no only have grand plans for yourself but also for the 7 kids you plan to have. He needs to know that you’re not going to be cheap. I would add in the fact that you can’t wait to give up work and become a kept woman with lots of hobbies and a cleaner. That’s your life. Not this one of having to wake up, get dressed and go into an office. Not for you!

Of course you don’t actually have to make anything up because as we all know my precious, we’ve thought about everything. Tell him your8 children’s names, the holiday home you’ll use every other weekend in Spain or France or Cornwall. The school research that you’ve done and how you can’t assume that all of the kids will be smart so have to have so private school money just in case.

Nothing scares a man away faster than thinking you and the sprogs are going to spend all of his beer and weed money.

Part 2 to follow tomorrow 😉

© Chelsea Black 2014

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups