keep-calm-and-get-over-your-ex  As you know I recently suffered a break up. He was a crackhead I wasn’t and I didn’t realise that he had issues until much, much later. Alas, the bad side of dating is the breakup when you aren’t expecting it. The surprise, shock break up which can only be spoken about to friends and family for about 2-3 weeks before they lose sympathy because they always knew dude wasn’t right. And so here I am with my only 10 steps to recovery. Wait, it’s 12 right? Yeah this is why I’m not very good at programmes. Hopefully you’ll do better

Smooches,

Chelsea x

Delete their details.

Unless they owe you money or still have your most prized possessions (bedding, banking, booze or bonking related only) then you need to get rid of emails, phone numbers, vibers, whatsapps and, well everything! Make sure you don’t need texts, emails or any communication for a court case first but take a day and get rid of all of that stuff. I change all the names to “prick do not answer” as if I’m honest I can never remember any of their phone numbers and they could easily call you out of the blue trying to keep you on tag. (Tagging – something people do when they want you to be into them but have no intention of taking emotional responsibility that a relationship would require. An evil sport linked to friend zoning. Should be made illegal)

This isn’t just for your own sanity but it’s to save you from the risk of a tipsy text or a drunken dial. It’s easy to start remembering his comfy car seats when you don’t fancy taking 2 night buses home. Or, just move closer to Central London. But no, deleting his details is much easier in the short term.

Throw away gifts / reminders

Hard to do but a necessary evil I’m afraid. Throw them out! Especially the ones you didn’t like and those that aren’t worth anything. If it’s jewellery then you best keep GOYEit or change it into something else. Don’t keep anything for sentimental value. It’s got to be useful or worth something. That lavender t shirt with the dodgy picture of a golfer is not worth keeping.

Oh and throw away his useless shit too. That toothbrush has got to go. Any t shirt that looks cute on you has to go if you sleep in it and haven’t washed it since the end of the relationship. Let it go! Or turn it into a voo doo doll. Something useful!

P.S. Books, CDs and DVDs aren’t included. These are life sources not really gifts. But that ticket to a concert or that napkin from date 3 can go. Dust collectors

Block their Facebook.

Social media has become more and more intertwined so be sure to remove them from twitter, LinkedIn and facebook. Unfriending isn’t enough. By now you’ll have mutual friends and you’ll be able to see when they like shit or when they’re bragging about how well their doing when you know that they’re broke as a joke. I’m not congratulating dude on another work anniversert thank you LinkedIn. I don’t want to hear about his successes and ability to commit to a job.

On Facebook  I say delete them as a friend and also block them. It’s easy to think that you don’t want to be seen as someone who cares enough to unfriend them but if you’re the one that was hurt in the relationship (let’s face it; it’s always their fault) then you have the indignant right to block at will. It also saves you hours of cyber stalking them wondering about Little Miss New Boobs. She WIll Be younger and perkier. They u8-steps-to-getting-over-your-ex-8sually are my precious. Sigh.

Stick a picture of your celebrity crush over their face

This isn’t so much now as you can just delete photos digitally or crop him out if you look really amazing in that shot but in the olden days you had to stick a photo of someone else over him. I know it sounds a little too much but sometimes you do look way too good for you to throw that photo away. I have to hold onto those photos as I need to remind myself of days when I was slimmer. Something for you to remind your kids of what they did to your body. Of course, they’ll never know that these photos were from 5 years before they were even imagined. Be creative

Get under a new future ex

Good sex is hard to come by so I don’t recommend this one to everyone as bad sex could lead you back into the arms of that ex. However if you do have a fuck buddy or the opportunity to shag someone you know that you’ll never love or want to cook for this is your chance. Get your Stella groove back and enjoy the singletinis time because some of you are hooked on relationships and will be back in there before you can say pole dancing limousine night out.

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups