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My Beach Bond Moment in Barbados

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Travel, Tags: ,

So for my birthday (I have three but that’s a whole other blog) I decided that I needed some beach bikini and promptly took myself off to Barbados. My friends told me to take condoms and make up etc in case this was my ‘Stella Got Her Groove Back’ moment but I’d already had that and to be honest I didn’t really have Bond on beach fantasy. I just wanted to work on my vitamin d and catch up on some much needed sleep

I arrived in the afternoon and it felt like I was being kissed and hugged by the sun and heat. As allergic as I am to the cold I’m quite literally addicted to the heat. It completes me. I was promptly whisked off to the resort and it was lovely. I made the mistake of partaking in their welcome rum punch and fell asleep on my bal

cony over looking the sea. This was heaven.

The next day I dug out my honeymoon

Bond moment Barbados

bikini and, it fit! I got up early (I’m an eight German so have an inbuilt need to grab a lounger early. I’d been spying on the beach since 6am) and sauntered down to my lounger. Bar staff came to take orders so you never ha

d to go in. The wifi even worked as I was so close to the hotel.

A few hour later and I saw someone bobbing along the sea. Ignoring him I went back to a facebook argument about one of the KarKrash family I think. Then I saw the bob emerge from the sea.

Now, in terms of female fantasies there have only been two sea scenes to reference. The first is Daniel Craig in every sing Bond movie I think. The second is Tom Cruise in some movie where their plane crashed and he emerged and you realised that Tom was now not the hot thing of yesteryear. He was giving serious Daddy hotness not sexy hotness.

Well, this was worse. Firstly he had moobs. His bra size would definitely be bigger than mine and I’m a small D cup. Secondly he looked like he’d eaten Nemo. And why was he walking towards me like we knew each other? Oh fuck! A beach fuckboi opportunist. Was Idris or Omari Hardwick busy?

He did indeed come over and start chatting me up. Why? I blame the honeymoon bikini and the lack of any other black women on the beach. Turns out he was a grandfather of 5, in his 50s, semi retired and way too chatty. I hadn’t even had my second smoothie of the day.

I tried to be reserved and unengaging but, he was nigistent in his approach and insisted on exchanging details. I gave him my messenger. He eventually left and I promptly slagged him off on facebook before remembering that my profile is public. Did he see it? I felt bad but then thought, hold on, this is my holiday. How dare he think it’s ok to impose his mooby self on it. I thought I had escaped that sort of nonsense when I got on the Virgin flight at Gatwick. Quick shout out to Virgin  on the gluten f

ree meal by the way. Not so much on the way back but you killed it on the way out.

Anyway he insisted on taking me out on my birthday. I guess he hadn’t read the post. We walked around the west side of the island and he showed me his primary school and then said we should go to his cousin’s house. Er, does this fool think I’ve never seen an episode of Oprah? You never ever let them take you to a second location. Yes, judging from his flip flopped feet and belly I could outrun him but, CSI Miami was about to start and I had to make a decision. I chose Miami.

Needless to say I probably wasn’t in any danger at all but, I didn’t want to become some unknown tourist who disappeared in the middle of the night who wrote ‘moobs’ in the sand as a clue to the police. Nah, this was no Bond moment.

© Chelsea Black 2017 #BikiniBirthday #BimBreak

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The Debenham’s Card Debacle

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Categories: Things I ♥ more than Sugar

So this was completely my fault.

I was off to watch Billy Oceanwho was at London Palladium tonight and yes, I could have stayed at the Plantation past 4 O’clock but, for what? Instead I decided to pop into Oxford Street. As I’m on a new savings budget (yeah, I’m not really sure what this means but I think it just means avoid Selfridges) I avoid Selfridges and go to Debenham’s instead. Part of this was because I wanted to check out their bikinis and partly because I really felt bad about the brand being in financial trouble. I’d abandoned them for way too long.

Somehow, and don’t ask me how I end up in the shoe section trying on heels that are likely to give me vertigo and stumbling around the place. An African auntie spots me and drags me around the widefit section looking for a size 8 for her because her feet are tired. I don’t know why my face says I’m willing to help but she’s Africa and an Auntie so I can’t say no. I’m facing my own water retention shoe fit struggle so maybe I fell her pain.

Then I decide on the 4 pairs I’m taking home with me (don’t judge) and ask the young Asian guy to get me the other shoe. He tells me that he’ll leave them at the  till then disappears for ages. I go to the till after a last check to make sure I’ve not left anything in the shop which should go home with me but y shoes aren’t there.

The till operator is an older black woman who decides to go hunt him down. I’m slightly concerned at how much glee she has in her eyes as she states that he’s been sulking all day! Huh? She tracks him and my shoes down and then explains that he’s just come back from holiday. I explain I’m just about to go on holiday and she asks me if I want to open an account.

Now this is where I fucked up. Recently the same thing happened at M&S where I got 10% off and a Sparkles Card so I assumed it was the same thing. But then Sister Patricia as we will call her starts asking me how much I earn and shit? For a fucking store card? I know Debenhams are in financial trouble but this seems rather extreme.

She tells me about her grandkids and asks about my holiday. I’m late for a Nandos but she doesn’t have her glasses on so this is going to take a while. I tell her I’m taking myself away for a few days and she fit bumps me. I realise that this is outside of the usual bonding / customer service and B*cky is side eying us hard.

We go through the process and finally she presses a button as I stand there feeling violated by all these questions. YES AUNTIE PATRICIA!! I’m single with no kids and way too much disposable income. Fuck!  Let’s be clear. Patricia doesn’t know how to use her inside voice.

Computer says no and she has to make a call. ‘This happens a lot when you earn too much’, she says pointedly at me. Er…..ok. Next time I’ll lie .

They clear me for my store card and then she leans over and says….’you’ve been approved for £5000!’

So this was a credit card? She says yes, that it’s an account. Me I’m still confused. So it’s not a  store card but no,  Granny Patricia tells me that she clearly said account. Sigh

As I’m preparing to leave she asks me how I’m getting home. Dear god, I don’t have a car to declare on my phone. I tell her I’m off to see Billy Ocean and she starts in on how she loved him. She asks me how much the tickets are and to be honest I’m too embarrassed to tell her so say, it’s the start of the #BikiniBirthday. Ancestor Patricia high fives me and I see her white colleagues looking on in wonder. Whatever, she’s giving me props for living my life. I’m giving her whatever store related points she gets for signing people up to a card they never wanted.

Now I’m going to have to shop a lot at Debenhams. Sigh. Everyone knows I’m more of a John Lewis Lass. But technically it means I didn’t spend any money today, right?

Oh and I also bumped into a tinder date ex but, that’s a whole other story for another time. I have to try on these shoes again and hope the swelling has gone down.

© Chelsea Black 2017

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Why friendzoning is bad

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS

guys friendzoning themselves

friendzone

 

I know the title may seem like clickbait but we need to talk about the dangers of friend zoning. Being friends with a person who just wants to bang you at any moment of vulnerability is not the one. There’s an arrogance to being a perpetrator. Like you know better than them that you are their perfect partner even though you aren’t being honest in your intentions? Maybe so but if they’re not seeing it it’s time to exit stage left. Or you think you are owed something for all the time, effort and energy you put in? Transactional much? Be facebook friends and keep it civil but stop pushing your agenda on someone’s life. Rant over

Firstly friendzoning is a two way street. I’m going to assume it’s a man who is more into the woman in this blog but as we know it can work either way. It’s not a game. I don’t advocate making people jealous or faking niceness but I do think you should tell the person how you feel.  A true friendship is about honesty and not using others without their explicit permission.

Ladies

Learn to say no. You don’t need to have a harem of male friends who fawn over your every life moment and are there for you when the guy you don’t want is with the woman he does. I’m not saying don’t have male friends but stop choosing male friends whom you know fancy you and are just waiting on a chance to fuck. Is it a power trip? Do you enjoy the attention? Might I suggest a pet like a kitten or a puppy? Actually, no not a kitten. It’s a slippery slope from that to non pvc wearing cat woman.

And guys,

Accept her no and move on. Don’t hang about waiting for her to get drunk or cry on your shoulder over the next guy who doesn’t love her then you can slip her some comfort D. She’s not that stupid that she can’t see through your bullshit. She’s just drunk. Or vulnerable. Neither is the start of an amazing love affair. She’s going to resent you in the morning. Pity / begging sex won’t last either.

Statistically I would say that the conversion from friendzone to accidental fuck can be high but to partner? Very low. You’ve spent the first however many weeks/ months/ years not being honest so, how is that a basis for a relationship?

I had a guy friendzone me for 10 months. The problem is that he made me feel that he was soooo close to being ready for a relationship. Turns out he was always ready just, not with me? And there are the bipolar friendzones where it flits between relationship and friendship but they always pull the official, ‘I don’t owe you any emotional responsibility card’ when it suits them. A dangerous breed indeed. Steer clear!

I’m making an anti friendzone stand and need your help. If you are residing in a friendzone then, get out. Just end the friendship. It’s not real anyway. If you are the recipient of the friendzone then, let them go, I beg. There are too few people out there wanting a relationship. Let them go find someone who will love them back. Nobody owes you anything for the time, money, effort you’ve put in. Nobody.

And if you are just into playing games then, well fuck you, stop. It’s so not fun for anyone else .

© Chelsea Black

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