Warning: Creepy men and the friendzone

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Categories: Latest

Sometimes women can be too nice to avoid confrontation and nearly always, no, always it literally comes back to bite you on the buttocks. If you know or feel that a man is a creepy piece of shit then run. Don’t hang out in his friendzone even if it is work related. Learn to be a cold bitch.  

We met and I immediately knew that his penis would never meet little me. He on the other hand decided that with time my defences would probably lower and my standards disappear. You’ve got to love the over arrogant confidence of a misogynist. And so we played the game. I pretended not to notice his come ons and he pretended that he wasn’t that much of a horn dog.

Finally his penis got tired of waiting and his ‘Mr. Nice’ act whilted with it. I felt the full force of a petty man whose penis had not been water.

Eventually  I suspect, he found another victim and I became redundant. He didn’t need to press up against me anymore as he had someone younger, gigglier, more naïve to play with. I wish her a stay safe and him a stay blessed as I move on to less creepier pastures

Stay out of the friendzone my precious. You’re better than that

© Chelsea Black 2018


7 Reasons I love to cinema alone

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Categories: BLOG

eating popcorn

7 Reasons I love to cinema alone.

I confess that I’m a movie moaner which is why I don’t cinema often but when I do I tend to cinema alone. I can’t be bothered with the waiting on people to turn up because I’ve got the tickets. I go solo, get a decent seat and chill with my snacks and blanket. Yes! I blanket. Those places don’t like central heating apparently. So here goes my reasons:

1.       Talking. Why are you, your boo, friend, cheat partner talking all the way through? Isn’t that what Nandos afterwards is for?

2.       Those who clearly haven’t seen this film or any film ever. All will be revealed. Chill and stop asking strangers to guide you through the darkness of a basic plot.

3.       Eating loudly. I get it. You’re enjoying your food But do you seriously need to Mmmmm over the nachos? Nah, you’re just being extra

4.       Speaking of which, one guy ate everything at the concession stand. Hot dog, nachos, popcorn, a supersized drink, sweets, It was a two hour extravaganza of watching him get through the mountain of food…..loudly.

5.       Latecomers. Just go see something else or learn to jump over chairs. I’m not here to move. 

6.       How are you an adult and you haven’t learned to go to the loo before the movie starts? Hold it in like a champ! Kegals.

7.       Constant coughs, fidgety, loud bodied people. I beg you check yourself. Public etiquette?

So now I sneak into cinemas late at night or early morning. Oh and, shower first please? Nothing worse than being in an allocated seat next to a post pubescent man who doesn’t know how to wash himself for 150 hours.

That’s me done. I’m off to buy a DVD player


©Chelsea Black 2018


The Network Nuisance

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Categories: Misadventures

The Network Nuisance 

So networking is a massive part of our everyday. We go, we meet new people, we connect and then, years later we may even do business. Socially it works too especially if you are new to a city or you want to meet people who share your interests. Cute!

But some people use it for so much more. They lipstick up and look for ‘usband. I get it chica, there’s no eligible bachelors at your Plantation so here you are, gatecrashing a network in the vain hopes of finding some marriable dick. Hmmmmm and the men dem aren’t much better. Some have confessed that they want a bang buddy and who is most likely to give them drama free dalliances. I tell them that I really don’t know because, why would I help you get over on someone else?  

For over 10 years I’ve been going to the same network. It works as it’s once a month with the odd cinema trip or talk thrown in. But recently I’ve started to question some of the nuisances who grace said group.

Firstly, there is the woman who storms in, demands to be introduced to all the men and then storms out. She’s level 1 aggressive with an agenda and time poor. Why when this is a social group are you treating me like your exhausted P.A.? Nah

Then there is the introvert who thinks turning up is the only thing they need to do. The rest if up to you. Entertain them their eyes demand. They never ask about others and if you get stuck sitting next to one then your whole night is ruined. I can’t be arsed.

Then, and possibly the worst are the network nuisances. Last month I met one and immediately I thought, yes, there’s something about him I like. Turns out he is purposely charming.  Yes, he made a couple of ignorant statements on ‘Africa’ but, I can forgive as he knew that they were indeed ignorant. Then he did that thing a lot of guys do looking for freeness. He appealed to my feminine need to help by telling me how he needed business coaching and …..yeah free coaching was over in the noughties. We have moved on from cuteness = freeness to you better just sort yourself out in life.

But then upon further questioning it transpires that he’s married! I stared in the poorly lit bar and with a squint saw that, yes, he had the well treaded indentation of a ring. So, he took off a ring so that he could go hunting for women to help him build his business for free? Or he just an incorrigible flirt who thinks to get women on his rare night out?

Either way he’s a nuisance and should declare his intentions early on. He’s a Network Nuisance.

In other news, nuisances are on the decrease so are getting smarter about how they conceal themselves. Take heed my precious!   


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