Chelsea Black

My friend called me up for our annual no birthday catch up and I boldly told her that Brexit has fucked up dating for me. She tried to sound sympathetic but admitted that she had just had a 2^nd date with someone she met 3 years ago so technically she isn’t in the dating recession pool.

Yes we are in a dating recession. How did this happen you ask?

As Theresa May spectacularly lost the vote this week (but still insists on trying to force us to accept that Brexit is happening and it’s not as dire as we all think), I started to really think about how Brexit fucked up. Yes, basic tasks like borrowing money has become harder as everyone awaits the next circus trick that has become the House of Commons . I work in an industry driven by an immigrant work force but, what about my personal life or lack thereof? I haven’t dated regularly since 2016.

Cash Flow

Most people don’t like spending money when they’re not sure if their job will be there in a month. This and the cost of eating out has become a joke. Without alcohol a chain restaurant meal can cost you £100 easily. How often do you want to be doing that a month? (I see Nandos hasn’t struggled during these times of austerity mind you)

There are cheaper ways to date and the right person (you) will come up with inexpensive dating options. That doesn’t mean Netflix and Chill. Side note – Can men stop with the at home first date please? Safety first !

Leaving London

London is a transient city and many people are just passing through Just after Brexit I dated guys who were leaving the UK entirely for France , Africa or one was going up North. That vague place where wives / girlfriends live I suspect. What this does is further shrink the potential dating market. Who is left? Mainly those who can’t leave or won’t leave you alone.  

App is cheap

Between better angled selfies and the recognition that apps mean you can virtually date more people at once without having to spend money the dating apps has killed traditional dating. I think the objective is that by the time you meet up you can skip all the wining and dining.

What people forget is that, catfish aside, dating is fun. You do new things and meet people you wouldn’t met in your everyday life. So why ruin it with misunderstood shorthand and poor profiles?

Political politeness

What worked well for Britain for so long was polite conversation about the weather and the latest BBC commissioned period drama. Alas, now we have programmes like Nakd Attraction and, Brexit opened up conversations on politics. It’s hard dating Millwall or Chelsea fans but this? This is near impossible. I couldn’t date someone who voted Leave and claims he did it to keep the immigrants out even though he has a strong Caribbean accent. (true story)

Brexit has effed it up for us in more ways than one. My solution? We all go to sleep on March 29^th and wake up in the shower Bobby Ewing style and pretend it was all one big, bad dream.

© Chelsea Black 2019

Whilst everyone is on a diet or detox programme to celebrate the new year, I had a different sort of clear out. Yes my Precious, the home could do with a declutter but, I’m talking about a virtual one. A dial detox. Anything to avoid cleaning.

I recently tried to block someone on my phone only to find that I’d run out of blocks again! Between car accident and PPIs cold calls, those website dudes from India (thanks for nothing Godaddy) and ghosts from a Tinder / POF past I had more than 600 contacts in my phone. It was time to cull.

I realised that the majority of slide backs happen when drunk with phone in hand and when I was bored with more than a 20 minute cab journey to endure. I scrolled through the names and a lot of names didn’t ring any bells or I hadn’t heard from aside from one call. It wasn’t worth the block.

Besides, a block is not enough. You have to totally delete these people from your life. From your contacts, WhatsApp, email, social media etc. It can take time but it’s also time to lose some excess baggage and start screening your calls.

1,2,3 Delete  

The first step was to get rid of any names I didn’t recognise. Many more were frenemies who never ever reached out and yet I ran the risk of accidentally butt dialling and a forced conversation. I got rid of anyone with a Plenty of Fish or Tinder in their names too. Jeez, I’d spoken to a lot of wastemen in my time.

Axing Exes

Down by more than 50% I was faced with the tricky, emotional exes*. I found these to be the hardest ones to let go of a year ago as I love a heads up on their fuckeries. But, the speed of the delete showed me that they held no real power over my emotions (or their own in some cases).

* Please note that exes may or may not have been actual partners. In these modern times many are timewasters or wastemen who love to hone their skills.

All were permutations of the following:

1. Idiot
2. Prick
3. Prick Do Not Answer (DNA)
4. Dunno
5. Last Minute dude from brown sugar
6. The one with the bandanna
7. He talks a lot /is moany/ Will want money – DNA

That was another 20 (ok 30) easily gone and my phone felt lighter already. My new rule is that if I don’t recognise the number because it’s not in my phone then Giff Gaff voicemail will have to catch it. Besides most of my exes are way too lazy to actually call me. They prefer the whatsapp and sneakiness of a message rather than catching me in one of my moods i.e. not in the mood for them.

Benefits of a dial detox

The final action was to call those friends I’d missed over the Xmas period and whose names got lost in the sheer mass of wastemen. So that took up half an evening. And it was positive. Finally an opportunity to talk to people who understood the ramifications of a hard Brexit and weren’t looking for sex or money! It’s therapeutic and you realise how much crap is in your phone. Never again. I’m going to operate a one in one out system like a doorman in an empty club in Mayfair. Shame, he got deleted too. I’m going to miss Mayfair doorman with the dodgy fade.

Next stop: Unsubscribing from all those random emails I never signed up for. Yay!

© Chelsea Black 2019