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Street Wastemen Opportunitists

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Categories: BLOG, Latest

Street Wastemen Opportunitists

Summer brings out all sorts of SWOs so be on your guard my precious and hope they are just chatters and not grabbers.

I didn’t bask in the sun today. Instead I waited until late then lazily walked up the bookstore hoping to get something lovely to read. On my way up I chat to a friend who is in a new relationship and the sun is shining and all is right with the universe. I love new love.

Waterstone’s Piccadilly is still insisting on mixing the black romance with the white romance so I have to trawl through every fucking shelf of British chick lit and regency and highland fling romance to find any black romances. Turns out that I’ve already read all 10 that they had. This however takes about an hour of random distractions and avoiding bookshop lurkers. There was one today. It wasn’t looking like a great book day for me so I left.

Despondent, I’m walking back from Waterstone’s along Piccadilly and I’m almost at Hyde Park Corner listening to my music when I see a dude crossing the intersection towards me.  Dude mouths something to me. I take out a headphone and he says that he’s sorry to bother me whilst I’m power walking and then asks me if I know where Green Park Station is and points to his phone like he’s lost. I tell him it’s 5 minutes down the road and he says thank you then adds, you look beautiful by the way. Dude is clearly not lost and probably is from London. Sigh

 

I wanted to break into an Olivia Pope style monologue but that’s too much like hard work. I wanted to tell him that men like him who think it’s a compliment to stop women in the street and compliment them whilst trying to get a leg over is not cute. He’s not cute. He’s annoying. His microaggression is trying to ruin my day!

Besides I know I don’t look beautiful. I’m in a crappy dress, old flip flops and a scarf half covering the mess that I call hair. I look a hot mess but clearly he’s just trying it. What’s your name he asks me because the dead stare I gave him clearly wasn’t enough. Popping the headphone back in and growling I just stomped off.

What a joker. Clearly I’m not powerwalking in flip flops!! Hope your summer loving is going a bit better

 

© Chelsea Black 2016

 

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10 signs you may not be a match

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Categories: 40DayDating, BLOG, DATING, DATING TIPS, Latest

Signs you may not be a match just from your photos:

1) Sedated lion, tiger, snake. Let them be free an wild!
2) Photos with children that you didn’t birth. Why are they online with you when your 3-8 aren’t anywhere to be seen?
3) Photos with you outside a car. Is it yours or are you still #TeamOysterCard like most of us? Am I meant to be impressed?
4) Only white friends and/or women. Like dude, you don’t have cousins and shit? That one work colleague even if they aren’t in the same team?
5) A photo of a bottle of laurent perrier by itself. Yes it’s pink and may appeal to the ladies but, why is this your calling card ?
6) All serious faced photos with not one smile. I’ll assume gold front teeth.
7) Only head shots. I have female friends who are selfie goddesses. I know what this means. Accept your budda belly like we have to
8) You on a camel or with your finger on top of a famous something. Eiffel tower, a pyramid, Taj Mahal, holding up the Pisa Tower….sigh.
9) a chest shot with you crouched over to make it look like you and the gym didn’t break up 12 years ago (that’s when we split up too. Ooooh look! Something in common)
10) Click bait memes about what a good woman wants from a real man followed by a titty / booty image. Er, yeah no.

#40daydating #day49 #final15 #WhenWillItEnd #12DatesToGjudge judyo

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My 3 Tinder Golden Rules

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Categories: 40DayDating, DATING

3 Golden Rules

Ok so it has been a hell of a dating ride. When I set up this #40daydating challenge I thought to myself that I wasn’t going to get more than 10 days and I’ve already had 7 (yeah I left when Hot Gym Dude was late but, it counts. I was at the agreed spot at the agreed time)

But then after the initial exhilaration over my dating success (Some of my precious American readers please note sarcasm and insert here) I realised that I’d have to work smarter if I was going to meet anyone worthy of taking beyond the 40daydating threshold into happily ever summer. This wasn’t going to be easy! So I sat down on my rest day and focused on what had gone wrong and what was going right. This was a relatively quick process because there was so little right so far that I only needed to focus on the wrong. And there were so many Mr Wrongs!

 

Lateness

Oh my days this is a bug bear! I’m an eighth German and that eighth is punctuality! I’m not built for winter or British. I’m too curvy dresses and leggings for that shit. Stop your foolishness.

We had the one who had just reached home 10 minutes before our date time (8.30)  and took an hour to get there. He couldn’t tell me before I left my house? He had to wait until 8.20? How did he think I was going to get to the meetup on time? Oh he didn’t because I think he assumed we would both be late

The one who was 84 minutes late to a gig which started at 8. Luckily I was in the warmth and listening to good music (Thanks SofarSounds) but, I don’t get it. The only thing he was bothered about was that I saved him a beer. I think this was code for, I’m not spending a penny. More on him another time.

Then the Dad who was 30 minutes late because he couldn’t find parking at 7pm. In SW London on a Monday ? You are a liar.

Finally and most distressingly because I was actually looking forward to it was Hot Gym Dude who, after 15 minutes wait outside Clapham junction hadn’t called. Then he told me 10. Then he told me 5 (30 minutes later). Then finally he said, “Mi reach” but I’d gone. 49 minutes is not the one. Not even the promise of those biceps could keep me on that street a minute longer. Just say you couldn’t get away from your woman and let it go.

So the rules are simple. I don’t meet anyone at a station or on the street again. I am not a prostitute and there are plenty of bars and coffee shops in London. I will only wait 20 minutes for a date, 30 if you’re cute and given such good banter that I’m already naming our babies in my head. Kidding. I chose all of my babies’ names 20 years ago. 

 

Payment

Remember when we were in a recession and nobody wanted to put their money on the table? When going to dinner was going to Nandos every single time? When guys used to tell you that they had just eaten whether it was 6,7,8,9,10pm?  Then they looked longingly at your food and stole your chips?

Yes, we are back here again. Which is not a problem. It’s good that people are being careful with their money and I don’t need a man to splash the cash on me. That said I’m really not ready to splash the cash on them either I get that they have child support and rent to pay but, so do I. My child support consists of books, clothes and music. Feeding my inner child. So far I’ve had:

The cheeky coffee one, “I know you don’t want me to contribute do ya? You’ve got this. I only had a coffee” and half my chips!

The Nandos, “babe, you got change?”

The Heineken who said nothing but then tried to come home with me and said he had cab money to get himself home

And the dude who told me that he was trying to save for a property so, er, yeah. Money be tight. The bill was £21.

This role reversal thing is not cute and I’ve decided I’m going to make it clear before confirming that, I’ll happily pay for myself but expect the same from them. I’m not here to sponsor people and their lifestyles. I’m going to get a t-shirt which tells them so. “Nah Fam, I’m not the one!”  

So Rule 2 is to stop paying for dates. I am sure that HMRC won’t let me write them off as business expenses.

 

Rule 3: Trusting my gut

Ok so it’s ok to be an optimist and give the benefit of the doubt but Maxine Saj, my budda belly is rarely ever wrong about men. Food, not so much but, men? Men she knows.

So why when I can see that they’re not communicating well (ie at normal times) or they’re too aggressive or their typos are more basic primary school grammar am I still going out on dates? I seriously don’t have time for this. Yes, the magazine and society has told us not to aim too high when it comes to men because men have the power and a lot of choice and are Neanderthals etc but this has gotten to a point where basic respect is missing.

So the last and best rule is to trust my gut. It has never ever steering me wrong. Except for that chicken. Why is it always chicken??

OK so, hopefully the rest of the challenge will be less dramatic. I just don’t think the wasteman to decent man ratio on Tinder and POF should be ignored. There are a lot of frogs out there. I’ll just try not to hang out with all of them.  

© Chelsea Black 2016

 

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